leaving myself during the worst of my abuse by "curling like smoke" out of a knot hole on the side of the shed where most of it happened.
It sounds like derealization disorder.
I have since remembered more. It's amazing that my brain still has things hidden away from me, ......
For me to have seen that hole and the stars (small holes in the darkness under a tin roof) I was on my back. More often than not, #4 took me like a girl. What is the point in having to remember all of this? What good does it serve me?
Healing comes when we acknowledge and 'embrace' the hurts. Yes it is exceedingly difficult. But once dealt with, the memories will subside.
I've felt sick to my stomach since it hit me. Now I can see his face floating over me... I'll never be able to un-remember that. I can't blot that out. He'll always be there. It hurts.
Shane, I had that reaction also when I 'remembered'. I saw the whole thing transpire as if on some kind of recording device. (like dvd or something) Yes the face was there.
It was traumatic.
Some therapy is afforded just by writing out your story and reading books about healing of abuse. Do you have books?