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#35661 - 03/11/04 10:05 AM Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
mattandrew Offline

Registered: 04/26/01
Posts: 376
Loc: Florida
Not myself anymore,who in the hell am I and why the heck am I still on planet earth.I am getting tired of feeling like I have to go on in this life and I am sick and tired of medications,therapies,doctors,needles and last but not least "The Knife"

Not such a great couple of last weeks for me with abuser being released permanently from any supervision and now I have been told I am facing having to have my entire spine surgically reconstructed,all this is thanks to all the abuse during my childhood and living with an abuser who did not give a fuck and treated me as a rag doll and felt like I could be taken advantage of.

I don't feel like going down this path for the next two or more years I have had enough why can't the damn doctors just put me out and then I would be done fighting,not much left in me to fight,feel as if I am loosing my battle to survive and not by my own hand.I thought I could make it on my own and did not need to ask for help or to ask someone to take care of me.I am sick and tired of all the questions about my family and the possibility of why I am having all the issues that I now suffer from.I just want to go in peace if it is meant for me to meet my maker.

Doctors want to go in and do surgery on this up coming monday and I really don't feel as if i want to go thru with what the doctors want.I have had enough.

M.A.N. ,
Boy who was trapped in society's nightmare & moving on thru healing & accountability.

#35662 - 03/11/04 10:27 AM Re: Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry that you're hurt. I'm sorry that you WERE hurt. I'm sorry for everything.

MAtt, despair is a terrible thing. It can blind you to the fact that you are important just by being here. And we do get tired of the same old crapola that the world, either intentionally or unintentionally, feeds us every day. Even the questions and comments, well-meaning as they are, hurt.

But, bro, you are SO very important. If there is ONE person who would miss you, who'd be sad if you were gone, then you are important. You are the WORLD to someone. Believe it.

You are important to me, and I would miss you very much if you weren't here.

I wish there was something that I could do to take it away for you. I can't. But I can tell you that I'm thinking of you and praying for you.

You need anything, PM me or someone you trust. Better still, if there's someone you can call or see, do that.

Peace and love (a lot of love for you, bro).


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#35663 - 03/11/04 11:43 AM Re: Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
Brayton_dup1 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/09/04
Posts: 30
I admire your courage. In the face of terrible emotional and physical problems you have perservered. Please don't give up now.

I know that that is easy for me to say. I have however known despair, utter hopelessness and despair. I know something of what you are going through but do not presume to know exactly what it is you're experiencing. I respect it and completely believe you.

I didn't really believe sometimes that there was any point in continuing but somehow I got through I guess by proceding one moment at a time, not trying to solve everything at once though I don't remember conciously choosing that.

I know that being able to talk/write about it in a safe place with a safe person or person helped a lot. Being here on this site made a huge difference. I can't begin to describe how helpful and loving and supportive the guys here have been for me.

Please preserve an emotional safe place for yourself. You deserve that and are entitled to it. You don't have to tell or share anything with anyone if you don't feel safe doing so. You have enough to deal with with your surgery. Just get through that. The other stuff, as painful as it is, can wait.

I didn't have any choice about that, still don't. I wanted to do everything at once but that was overwhelming and just led to depression and despair.

As I began to figure out, with help, how to take one thing at a time and realized that there are no real deadlines to meet, I started feeling more hopeful about recovery. I have to remind myself about that a lot--sometimes others help remind me.

If you feel threatened by your perp and unprotected, ask for help and support to get to a point where you do feel protected.

Please keep on posting. I am glad you are here and want very much to read about your progress. I don't even really know you and you are important to me. As I get to know you better I know for certain that that will become more and more true.


#35664 - 03/11/04 01:11 PM Re: Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Doctors want to go in and do surgery on this up coming monday and I really don't feel as if i want to go thru with what the doctors want.I have had enough.

Matt I know is seems black right now but it may be the best way to go now my brother. Heal the body and heal the mind. What is two years when compared to the rest of your life. When I look back on the the 40years I did nothing I could kick my ass up between my shoulderblades.

Matt you are a definite asset here and do not forget it ok. So THE MAKER CAN WAIT.

If it will make you healthy and strong I say go for it. You will always have us to continually update and to be with you.



#35665 - 03/11/04 07:04 PM Re: Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
FlyWM Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I am sorry things seem so dark and bleek right now, but things do get better. When we feel like this it is such a strong and over-powering feeling that just seems to totally consume us, but we can make it through, and you can make it through to the otherside.

I know right now it may seem you are not important in the world, but you are, always try to remember that, you are important. Keep going and keep fighting, you are not alone, and you deserve to live a good life, and you deserveto be, you are important. If you need an extra shoulder feel free to PM me, I am here as is everyone else, keep going you can make it.


Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.


#35666 - 03/11/04 08:09 PM Re: Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
you've been coming to MS since sometime 2001, a long time.
And that says to me that you have some kind of trust with the people you meet here, we all share some common background, and present.
So it's good to see you back again when you're understandably feeling down while you face surgery.
What we can say or do to help is often debatable, but we can give support and friendship without the bullshit, because we KNOW where you're coming from as far as the abuse goes.
I hope our support helps, we offer it because we mean it.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#35667 - 03/14/04 02:59 AM Re: Damaged Goods (Trigger!!!!)
Texas_Mike Offline

Registered: 01/17/04
Posts: 135
Loc: San Antonio, Texas-The Lone-St...

don't ever quit..don't ever give have a lot miles left..your one strong guy, and very courageous. i am honored by your courage.

"Passion, excitement, and confidence are the important medicines that you need every day"

Run 2 Live-Live 2 Run

"The Desert Runner" Mike


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

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