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#364357 - 06/17/11 01:59 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
DannyT Offline

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 645
Hi guys,

This was really interesting to me (I've never gone to the chat room). It makes remember something I read a long time ago: a big part of communicating is listening, listening to really see into the other person and discover what they're really offering of themselves by the words they put out.

I'm not at all surprised, given our general issues, that there would be communication problems in the chat room, and a very difficult moderating problem there, too.

Solving it isn't just about being nice, though that's of course necessary. It would also require really adjusting our ability to generously receive on the spot information from people that might trigger all kinds of things without the trigger being really intended.

There's a sociology problem here. CSA survivors are unlikely to win "most socially adjusted" awards any time soon, so in order to be there for each other, especially in a chat situation, we have to be able to take the bizarre things that emerge with a huge grain of salt.

Above all, I would imagine, we have to be willing to kindly address issues as they arise. One of the things I've found helpful in dealing with odd stuff like what's being described is saying things like, "I'm not sure this is what you mean, but this is what I heard..."

If somebody feels pressured in some way, maybe the right thing is to ask about the tone being offered. Something like "You're getting pretty intense. I'm hearing what you're saying, but it makes me nervous when things get put that way..."

If something is offensive, being really open is probably hard for any of us, but probably also right on track. "I know you probably don't mean it this way, but those kind of jokes make me feel bad...No offense, but I'm taking's just hard for me to hear that kind of thing."

I have a hard time imagining any of us really trying wreck any body's day here. I hope I'm not wrong. Generous listening is, in any case, at least as important as saying the right thing. When we respond after generous listening, we honor the other person's intent to do the right thing, and that breaks down our barriers, and generally we can diffuse very challenging problems that way.


Edited by DannyT (06/17/11 02:00 AM)

#364377 - 06/17/11 06:19 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
Thebo Offline

Registered: 02/16/11
Posts: 334
Loc: NYC
Interesting that this thread has been going on since March, which is about the same time I joined MS.

My first visit to chat was horrifying. One member was making fun of another's spelling, language and dialect. It was mean and uncomfortable to witness. Others came to the defense of the guy being picked upon. The bully singled out one of those guys and rode him like a rabid monkey.

The chat room was like watching a train wreck. Still, I kept an open mind. Over the past 3 months I've made good friends who have reached out and been a support system I could not do without. Sometimes I've been sucked into the banal conversations, swore like a sailor, been plain old inconsiderate.
Through all of it I have been always been mindful that it is a space for support.

There have been times I entered chat when no one is there - and stayed. It was a reminder that something existed where the potential of solace was available.

Whatever happened this week made a big mess, one I do not understand. I took the time to read all these posts. I appreciate everything everyone is saying, but truth be told I am as befogged as before.

Very recently I had gone to the kitchen and my partner saw the chatroom. Tonight he said to me pointedly, "Oliver, these guys behave like they are in junior high school." His real point was, he thought I invest too much time here. Looking over the past week I tend to agree. What I've been reading is unsettling. Things about other people. No one offers proof. Everything is sketchy and comes across as here say.

Tonight when I sat back and looked at the past week, I realized how detrimental this has been to my recovery. When I entered the room the other day, I really did need to talk to someone. The bedlam of the room alienated me more. I am still pulling myself out of the effects of that. Those who know me know I don't really know if this "recovery thing" as I call it, works. On days like that I KNOW it doesn't. Realistically, I know my chances of surviving the process may be 50% at best. Still I carry on. I made the mistake of leaning on this site too much for my support. As a result my struggle has become more difficult.

No one here gets blame. I do not have time for that. I am responsible ultimately for whatever progress I do or do not make. However, right now, for me to take care of me, to cope with the acceptance of csa and the effects it has had on my life, I need to back away. It's not that the support isn't there. It became unavailable. With that in mind I see a lot about this site, especially chat, as detrimental. It's a hard decision. However, my partner's eye is a more objective one. I have to weigh in with him on this one.

I will not fall off the face of MS. That would be unkind to my friends here. I know they care about me genuinely. I probably won't be in chat a lot, and when I am it will be briefly. I'll read posts, but only to the point before the overload hits me.

My partner thinks highly of RT and HC, so I will attend those when I can.

In reading that I am following the advice of my partner, some of you may think I cannot think for myself. You would be right. Over the past year, I have had to put myself totally in the care of others. That's how incapable and crippling the PTSD and depression have made me. Guys, do I really have to elaborate?

Right now I have to take care of myself. It is imperative. Cutting myself off totally is counterproductive, but I am weighing and picking and choosing - separating the wheat from the chaff so to speak.

The faggot will shut up for now. I mean no offense or harm to anyone, but sadly, for me to believe recovery might be possible, I have to recognize the support I can gain here is presently very limited. I'm very sorry.

#364380 - 06/17/11 07:04 AM - [Re: Thebo]
exhale Offline

Registered: 08/12/10
Posts: 101

Edited by exhale (01/14/13 04:24 AM)

#364381 - 06/17/11 07:22 AM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
illbedat Offline

Registered: 01/12/11
Posts: 80
Loc: David Wright is AWESOME
Sometimes it's the best place in the world, Sometimes it's the worst.

Take me back to the place, where I've seen it before. Before the time I lost it, where you will see, the shadow that still haunts me.

#364626 - 06/20/11 01:22 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: illbedat]
Anthony39 Offline

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
"Responsible Listening is the speaking we do to prove to the other person that we understand what his or her total message said. It saves us from attacking and defending. It allows for no judgment of the other person's character. Its only function is the present, what the speaker meant at this moment, in this conversation. Listening is the suspension of judgments-until we gain new information."
-- Peter deLisser

Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale

#364655 - 06/20/11 09:21 PM Re: CHAT ROOM COURTESY & COMMON SENSE [Re: kb8715]
whome Offline

Registered: 05/07/11
Posts: 1743
Loc: Johannesburg South Africa
Hi Keith

I'll agree with your sentiments completely. Thanks for having the courage to bring this up. 8974 to go

Heal well
God Speed

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