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#356283 - 03/12/11 06:51 PM I don't know what changed...
pal_ Offline

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 27
Somehow, I have changed over the past 10-15 years that seems very backwards to me, and I don't understand it.
In 1996/97 I started to deal with my abusive past. I got involved in one-on-one and group therapy to help with the healing process.
It was around the same time that I discovered IRC online (Internet Relay Chat rooms). There was a chat room on the starlink network that was for male survivors called 'NOMSV'. The people there were great, so caring and understanding - this was so new to me. They helped to pull me out of my shell. The chatroom eventually closed, and I didn't know why. A few years later I found it again --- here, and then it turned into Male Survivor.

In between, however, I had become involved with 2 other chatrooms on the dalnet network that were for survivors of child abuse. They were very organized, a collaboration of effort from 3 non-profit organizations. One from the UK (Paddy), one from Australia (Robyn), and one from the US (Erin). After a while I was asked to join the operator's team. I had to go through extensive training online. Every 2 weeks we had online meetings to discuss direction, ideas, and possible candidates for new operators. There was a manual of rules, regulations given to us with all kinds of information that was gathered to give to people seeking help - like local clinics and help numbers, etc. It was such a great experience to be helping people in this way. I was promoted from an a-op to an s-op (different levels of channel operators - with different abilities/responsibilities).
For 5 years I was heavily involved - talking to people online, helping where I could. Near the end, Erin (US partner) developed cancer and she passed away fairly quickly. Paddy (UK) and Robyn (AU) had a lot of stress put on them to fill the gap left by Erin ... it came to a bit of a power struggle. The other 35 channel operators started to leave, some joined in with the power struggle to take control of the chat room / organization. It wasn't a pleasant thing - one last operator meeting, and everything fell apart.

I joined here in early 2004 - have met a lot of wonderful people in the years since - but, what happened? I don't get involved in the chatroom. Most of the time I'm there, and I don't say anything unless someone else says something to me. What happened? What happened to the guy who would talk to others online, get involved, and try to lend a hand.
I do care about all of you ... why don't I show it like I used to?

I don't know.. I just don't know. There have been a lot of changes in my life that have demanded my attention, sure ... I guess I've just gone back into my shell ... safer that way? I don't know. At the best of times I have a hard time feeling like I fit in anywhere - and that's not just online, but everywhere. No one else's doing, but mine.

I'm struggling with thoughts of taking a break from here. I'm not much support to anyone, and I don't ask for the support of others much. I do take comfort in knowing there are others on the other side of the screen that ... well, they're/you're there.

Am I still just trying to find myself? Maybe ... I don't know. There's so much that I don't know... tired of not knowing.

Anyway, I'm not looking for any great insight - this is just, where I am. Good or bad - this is me. All I can do is shrug, and put a goofy grin on my face.


Silent company is often more healing than words of advice...

#356309 - 03/12/11 11:07 PM Re: I don't know what changed... [Re: pal_]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma

I will readily disagree with you on one point. You have helped me so often with your support, wisdom and original humor. You have done this for 19 months now. And even if you were right - a person's value here is not in what they offer to others all the time. None of us can be "on" all the time here. Your value is in you just being here. And I will readily say you are a valuable friend to me.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#356496 - 03/14/11 06:00 AM Re: I don't know what changed... [Re: prisonerID]
pal_ Offline

Registered: 01/07/04
Posts: 27
Thanks Daryl .. makes sense.
Thanks for being a friend.

Silent company is often more healing than words of advice...

#356516 - 03/14/11 02:23 PM Re: I don't know what changed... [Re: pal_]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
Hey Pete,

No great insight but if it maes you feel better to jsu hang out...please feel free to...speaking up is not necessary in chat if your not feeling it....I "love" the fact that there is a place for some to feel safe and just feel better knowng others are there.

You're cool.




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