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#354501 - 02/23/11 12:39 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: kjessie]
No_intimacy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/02/05
Posts: 4
Loc: Mesa, AZ
No. Hind-sight being 20/20, Id run like hell.

Not because of the CSA per se, but because after more than ten years from his first disclosure to me, he is still unable to consider recovery work for the CSA and/or the resultant PTSD/drug addictions. I fear he will go to his grave carrying this. It is like living with an automaton.

I could deal with the likelihood that survivors can get worse before getting better. I could deal with the isolation and loneliness while the marriage is set aside during recovery work. Dealing with the seemingly never-ending denial that his CSA affects him, affects his relationships, and affects our marriage is gut wrenching and appears to have no end in sight. So, if I had known ten years ago that there would be no progress toward recovery, very little intimacy between us, that wed be at exactly the same place: No, I would not have stayed.

It is true that I might not have learned all Ive learned if I had not lived these past years ten years also surviving the aftereffects of my husbands CSA. But I also would not have had to do my own recovery work for the mental abuse trauma I've endured from him either. Just know that it takes the effort of Titans to maintain or regain your mental health living long term within a mentally unhealthy environment. Also know that understanding is the Booby Prize.



#354515 - 02/23/11 02:37 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: No_intimacy]
timetoheal Offline

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
Wow MJ Believe it or not I know and have been where you are coming from. Being away from the man I love and the father of my children just does not seem like an option. It scares the hell out of me to be without him, but enduring all of the pain is and seems endless. I choose to believe that we are moving forward , even though many days I am confused as hell. I tried it without him during a brief time of our marriage, the pain I bore during that time was far worse. Maybe I am crazy, but I do love him so very much. I have invested moe than half of my life in this man. I just can't go now.
The best to you, be well and be strong.

#354546 - 02/23/11 09:22 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: kjessie]
worldscentre Offline

Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Yes, but sometimes I think maybe I should have run a long time ago. I felt very priviliged that he trusted me enough to tell me and in a way that brought us closer together but I didnt realise how much it can tear us apart in other ways.
The times I wished I'd run is when he pushes me away, when the next step of mariage and children doesn't happen. But then again hes the only one I want to marry and have children with and part of that is due to what we have dealt with together.
I know we are more than the after effects of abuse but I've come to accept it will always be a part of us. I just hope that he comes back to me.

#354582 - 02/23/11 07:52 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: worldscentre]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I agree with MJ 100%. While I was trying to be understanding and had tons of empathy for what he went through, I didn't stop to notice how he was destroying me and our kids. We have been verbally & emotionally abused by this man. He believes that we all have mental disorders and he is suffering because of them. I am all for people healing, and would and tried to help him do just that, but there comes a time in one's life they have to OWN up to how they treat someone, and stop blaming their bad childhood. Everyone has something, no childhood was perfect....but as adults we make the decisions to "ACT OUT" mistreat, bully, abuse others. No one has a right to treat someone else poorly,PERIOD. So no I would not have stayed.

#354945 - 02/26/11 07:47 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: NY Daisy]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
The wisdom and understanding of all in this post literally comes through the page; I think you're all amazing.

For we survivors I think it's worth observing that there is tremendous support and love for those willing to go through the healing process and there is more often than not a better life ahead for us and for the people who love us too. For those unwilling to do the work it seems a legacy of pain and a sad path of destruction lays in the wake and to me that's too much like the perpetrator wins.

Difficult as it is do the work, in the process of saving ourselves perhaps we'll make life better for others too. I think I'll try to work harder.

Love and peace to all on this journey.


"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

#354947 - 02/26/11 08:05 AM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: 1.healing]
RecoveryReady1 Offline

Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Good for you Daisy.....It's all part of recovery...EVERYONE (adults)has to stand up for their right to be treated with care and respect....
And not tolerate abuse from anyone......
Your post is a breath of fresh air to me...

#355707 - 03/06/11 02:58 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: kjessie]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Nope! Unless he was willing to go for counseling. The effects of CSA on a marriage can be so hard.

#356298 - 03/12/11 09:02 PM Re: If you knew then....would you have stayed?? [Re: Friend2help]
LoveHimMore Offline

Registered: 03/12/11
Posts: 2
Loc: Houston, Texas
Originally Posted By: Friend2help
If you knew early on about the CSA..would have you stood by your man and continued the relationship!?!?

As long as he was willing then to do what he is doing now, I would have stood by him. He was my best friend before he was boyfriend.

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