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#356278 - 03/12/11 05:52 PM I'm having a rough time
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
I'm having a tough time of it guys.

I spent all my life looking to be loved, especially from my father which I never got (he confessed that he never liked me just a few years ago) so when I got older I got my "affection" from anyone who'd pay attention to me. Consequently I knew no boundries and got myself victimized by older men.

So now I find myself in a room full of men who've been abused or victimized in some way or another. Sometimes I feel like I don't fit the profile or I'm not the typical victim because I read the forum and sit in chat and HC's and RT's and I wonder "WTF am I doing here?"

There's so much pain that I'm starting to take it on. I wake up in the morning thinking about you guys and your journeys. Have I crossed the line? Is there a boundary I've ignored? Are you thinking "uh, oh, we've got another one"? (You know thay say dont feed stray dogs. Once you do you can never get rid of them.)

All I've ever wanted was to be loved. Not sex. Male attention. I have no close friends that I can share my pain with. My wife is trying to "watch my back" as she calls it but I have no male friends that I can confide in. No one. So I come here. Hoping to make a friend. To make that connnection.

I'm not asking for y'all (like my southern accent?)to blow up my mail box. I just wanted to vent so to speak. Let you know where I am in my life.

If we are "brothers" then let's rock. Help me find my way through all of this. Be honest with me. Guide me because I'm afraid I'm gonna lose sight of why I'm here.

Thanks for letting me rant. Now if you will excuse me, I'm gonna go take another clonopin and write in my journal.

Peace, Rusty

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#356280 - 03/12/11 06:23 PM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Rusty563]
Giggles Offline

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Oregon
Rusty, I hear and feel you, I am not sure how long I've been coming to MS. 'WTF am I doing here?" is common to atleast me as well, I'm sure you will hear that from others of us.
We do feel differently from everyone else, that is part of why I am here as well.
You asked if you crossed a line....I say yes, you have, you did cross the boundry and opened to us.
It isn't "uh, oh we've got another one".
"Oh, no, my Brother is in pain. I feel his pain as it is mine though never have we done anything together in life- until now."
Yes, Brother, let us rock. I wish I could say I will be your guide and take you through this pain to the other side. If someone can say that to you please send them my way as well.
I will be your friend and brother. We will be here.
Last thing, (promise)-"afraid I'm gonna lose sight of why I'm here". I think we all feel that, I do. Sometimes I do lose sight, but it is found again or I would not be talking to you.
Peace and Love Brother, Giggles.

#356282 - 03/12/11 06:41 PM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Rusty563]
nltsaved Offline

Registered: 08/27/08
Posts: 933
Loc: Kc,Mo
This is a response to some one in a similar situation . It is a little different but it revolves around the same subject of wanting a relationship with our fathers. I get spiritual with it because that is all i have to go on . what you want is perfectly normal to want . It was designed to be that way and when you did not receive it , we all go looking for it . whether it be an absent mother we look for it or absent father we look for it . If it is love we lack we look for it . The problem is when we try to substitute these needs in our life we tend to look for them in all the wrong places or sometimes we have them right in front of our face and we do not realize it because we never really experienced it for ourselves and have a preconceived notion on how "we think" it "should" be.

this is a some advice to some one he was asking me about why he tends to try to find a father type figure in his life all the time and always finds himself in more trouble than he would like. but without giving to much of the conversation away i suggested a book to read because it opened my eyes to a lot of things i never saw before . so i hope this helps . remember i just copied and pasted this response so it will not completely fit with all of what you ask but i think it will make some sense to you .

good luck !!

Sonship: The Path to Fatherhood by Jim McNally

this is a book we read at my church in the mens bible study class. it helped me understand the same problems that you are dealing with. it talks about how society has messed things up and how that no one knows how to love God the father because they have not learned how to become sons first.

meaning if we do not have a good earthly father it will be hard for us to understand our Heavenly father. it makes sense just saying it out loud.

and saying that we have to learn how to become sons
because in order to be a son you have to have a father and the father disciplines and instructs and teaches . if we do not understand how to undertake discipline and receive correction and learn how to be instructed and have spent our whole life "doing things ourselves" and just having the feeling if we do not get it done it will not get done the way it should be.

the balance is already out of whack because there should have been some one showing us how it is to be done and the right way to get it done. and showing us how to love and how to respect how to become a man a father and all that stuff.

if we did not receive this growing up it will be just that much harder to be able to put our lives in a Fathers hands that we can not see with our eyes. to commit ourselves Fully into this loving God's hands. this is so hard to grasp this is why you and thousands of others suffer because we never knew what it was like to have a Real earthly father. so understanding our Heavenly father is such a hard thing to grasp.

this book i Strongly suggest you find it and read it . this book helped change my life on my view of the whole topic. it is a little book and it is a hard book to find but when you read it , the book will help you fully understand what we have all lost when our fathers where not apart of our lives or if they were apart of our lives they were very poor examples of what a real father should be , a godly man .

you can get the book here for 5.00

here is the guys blog and you can read some of it here also

here is the book foe 9.99;condition=used

Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus

#356288 - 03/12/11 08:05 PM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: nltsaved]
Fred Quimby Offline

Registered: 03/02/11
Posts: 14
Right now I am wondering what I am doing here too. Not so much on this forum, but why am I still here on this earth? There are days (like today), I ask myself that a thousand times!

Despite that..I am here. On earth and this forum.

I am finding out that it is the darkest before the dawn and it is very dark now! I feel your pain Brother.

We will all work through this, somehow!

#356289 - 03/12/11 08:11 PM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Fred Quimby]
RecoveryReady1 Offline

Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Good for you Fred.......
To be able to is darkest before the dawn, when you are still in the so inspiring to me.
This is the hardest part...if you ask me ....and what I try to do in my process.....feel it ..and don't lose perspective...
Well said,
Be well,

#356301 - 03/12/11 10:06 PM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Rusty563]
jevin Offline

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 47
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
Rusty ...

None of us begins recovery without being in a lot of pain. And, because that pain can be pretty fierce, I think a lot of us start recovery with the wish that there was some magic thing -- a word, a phrase, a book, one special person, something, anything that will just take away the pain. I wish there was, but there just isn't. And for sure you've read enough stories here to know that that's the situation. It took lots of years for our spirits to get buried under all kinds of trash. It may take a few years for us to scrape off that garbage and recover who we are. Patience and hope are critical in allowing our healing to progress.

I get bummed out too reading some of the stories here. A lot of us survivors have enormous hearts and lots of empathy because we know what it's like to be wounded, to suffer. I take on others' pain sometimes too, and I have to be careful about that. I don't have the power to rescue anyone else from their hell. I can extend a hand of support, but can't allow myself to drown. There are no quick fixes, and I certainly cannot be one.

The father thing is a tough one. I struggled with it for a long time. How do I become a man without a strong, confident father to guide me? I didn't have one, so I spent a good part of my teens and twenties looking for one. When all of that failed, what I was left with was having to grieve the reality that I never had a father and never will. It was one of the hardest, most painful things I've ever had to walk through. It lasted more than a year. But once I'd done that, I was then able to look to other men not to be my father, but to simply help me learn what it is to be a man. I joined a group of men who were all asking similar questions, and spent years with them. We all had different bits of the puzzle -- all we had to do was share our bits with one another, one by one, struggle by struggle, and incorporate into our identities new understandings of masculinity, intimacy, sexuality, power, confidence, etc. I finally came into my manhood thanks to these guys, and I could never have done that in isolation.

Your way of working through that particular pain might be different, but I really believe that we can't do this healing alone. We've been alone for too long. We need a community as a starting point and a launching pad to recover and then move on with our lives.

But, no one here or anywhere else has all the answers. Everyone here combined doesn't have all the answers. And, anyway, one guy's answer may not be my answer. I don't believe there's a "typical survivor." We all bring our own unique wounds here; we've all found unique ways to survive those wounds. And ultimately we're all gonna find our own personal ways of healing those wounds. We've all got bits of the puzzle -- including you. I think we're here to share them, and maybe more importantly, the questions that come before them.

I really like the questions you're asking -- especially "WTF am I doing here?" That's probably a question you asked yourself countless times while you were being abused. "WTF am I doing here? How did I get here?" You may have forgotten that question, but hopefully with the support of the other men here, this time around you'll find your answers.

- Jev

"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

#356304 - 03/12/11 10:37 PM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: jevin]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brother, kenner563,

Oh yes we all have a rough go of it. But come here like you are doing.

As i put in on my introductions, Be prepaired for the emotional roller coaster ride of your life.

I surely wasn't at first. Lots of shame, pain, confusion, etc.

But my fraternal brother, kenner563, it will get better, it will hurt & it will take a lot of tears. Never lose hope, my brother. We are here for you. Hang in there.

Heal well, my fraternal brother, heal well.

"Iwill take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As he is me.


Edited by petercorbett (03/12/11 10:38 PM)
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.

#356317 - 03/13/11 12:59 AM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: petercorbett]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1

You are not over-stepping anything you should not be. Remember the other night I had to "shutdown this stuff." My attempts to do that are very new to me but that other night worked. After a couple of years of this, I strongly reccomend that you have a "quit" button as soon as you can install it. Its something you truly enjoy doing that will get you focused off of CSA.

I hope, at any point in this battle, you can look to your left and see me as a friend who will always stand with my machine-gun ready.

#356328 - 03/13/11 02:09 AM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Rusty563]
itrahan Offline

Registered: 03/03/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Hey Friend,
From another cajun man, hang in there....I also am in the midst of a difficult journey, but the alternative is not any better. The connection I also am searching for & tonight recieved quite a break through, typed it all up to submit here and as fate would have it, hit the wrong key & "poof", discouraging, seemigly impossible to re-create what was written under such positive inspiration....but such is life. I will push on just as you will. I'll be pasing through Kenner tomorrow traveling from VENICE TO Lafayette, there is another brother on here from North of the Lake. I do wish you the best. I do know where you are coming from. Later

#356344 - 03/13/11 04:19 AM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: itrahan]
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA
Hey! Nice to meet you. Good to see another Louisianian on here.

There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#356346 - 03/13/11 04:25 AM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Still]
Rusty563 Offline

Registered: 02/26/11
Posts: 209
Loc: Anywhere, USA

That's not a bad idea. I'm workin' trying to find other things to do with my life. I used to do a lot actually. Time to find that "quit button."

And thanks for the back up. I knew you were a bad-ass. wink


Edited by kenner563 (03/13/11 04:28 AM)
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you - Maya Angelous
Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed - Martin Luther King

#356350 - 03/13/11 04:43 AM Re: I'm having a rough time [Re: Rusty563]
Anthony39 Offline

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
Salut Kenner,
Si t'es Cajun pis que t'as envie de parler en francais(la langue de tes ancetres compte sur moi.
Moi je suis de Montreal, chez nous les cajuns c'est les acadiens. I love Zachary Richard.
I also speak english so no problem man , anytime.


Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale

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