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#356218 - 03/11/11 04:03 PM waiting
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
I was at the Therapist the other day and as we were talking i had a moment. I told him that despite the fact that I was starting to feel better in some aspects of my life , there was a big part of me that wanted to throw the towel and call it quits. He asked me to explain. I said that I wanted to sit on the road and have people come and tell me that i was gonna be ok and that i raged to have people acknowledge my distress. I need the recognition of what happened.
He simply said: You want to be rescued.
It had never occurred to me in all my adult life that that is what I want. I know it's not gonna happen, i have to rescue myself. But every event in my life, the waiting, the hesitations, the lack of concentration, the failures, all the while i was waiting to be rescued from my abusers. I looked at men and seeked them for that , for comfort , validation, but instead it backfired.
This is a big one for me, I don't know what to do with it yet.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#356219 - 03/11/11 04:28 PM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
This is big.......
It's like one of those underlying motivators we cannot see and then it is brought into the present -today....where you are seen.....and in the witness your therapist, you hold yourself accountable......
I would say keep bringing it into consciousness today.....

Anthony.... would love to know more about how you see and experience it .....and how it helps you to know this about yourself....
And I too am a witness to your new awareness about yourself....if I can be so bold........
Thank you for letting us be a part of your journey.....
All the best
Steve


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#356221 - 03/11/11 05:17 PM Re: waiting [Re: RecoveryReady1]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5958
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
This is big, I quite agree, Steve, and thank you Anthony, for this topic.

I was beginning the weekend of the New Warrior Training Adventure in Lumberton, MS, USA, and came across the term "rescuing". "Don't rescue him", "rescuing is the same as abusing".

These words made me think about those who rescue, and their intentions. I am one who needed to be rescued, or so I thought, so these thoughts intrigued me.
The way it was described to me was that an abuser is one who completely controls another for his own will and satisfaction. A rescuer is one who takes control away from another for their own will. Pretty similar, isn't it?

Interrupting, controlling through money, inappropriate questions about matters that are personal, smacking the hands away and doing the work themselves. This promotes a sense of failure or anxiety when the child tries to accomplish a task.
The victim is helpless to motivate themselves to bettering themselves, why? Because we can create a sense of learned helplessness. We are trained that we cannot do anything or do it right, so therefore, we are helpless.

The problem with that scenario is when the rescuer feels the child, young or middle aged man needs to support himself, it is most likely not a gradual release, but an eruption, an argument over money, or babysitting, or how to interact with his wife or coworkers. The victim can strike out too, demanding his own success, but failure is a reality when the talents and persistence is stifled. The victim needs to discover, recover and in small, empowering, consistently positive ways, produce results that empower him.

This will probably not be at the hands of the ones whom he calls parents, or relatives, unfortunately. He will need to find experience, support and validation in others until he fins it in himself to forgive the mistakes and press on till he is successful.

Here is a perspective of rescuing and enabling versus tough love, take from it what you need.

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

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#356225 - 03/11/11 05:42 PM Re: waiting [Re: SamV]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
So much to process....so true & apllicable, thanks for sharing.

Ivan


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#356227 - 03/11/11 05:45 PM Re: waiting [Re: itrahan]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
((((((((((((anthony))))))))))))

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#356231 - 03/11/11 06:28 PM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Anthony39
... You want to be rescued....


might have a different pov on this.

so what? i think that is a fine "vacation" from an enormously stressful existence we call life. what is wrong with wanting to be rescued?

you know what? drop me in the middle of the serengeti without food or water and i would not need to be rescued. i'd survive...and i'd fight off tigers and lions with my bare hands - no problem. i find water in cactus. but trying to keep ahead under the current capitalistic rules of our day? no. i can't handle it and i would LOVE to be rescued -- if only for one week in order to catch my breath.

why is it that "males" have to do all the work? we guys, i think, are screwed from the start. we are supposed to be the rescuer. save women, save girls, save the world, save ourselves, save starving people in africa, save poor investors on wall street - we are supposed to do every bloody thing without showing weakness -- and if you fail then you are simply an utter loser as a man.

and yet - not one person rescued us from a child molester. so, what does that actually say about our culture of myths?

i give the big middle finger to what men are supposed to do. men deserve to be saved/rescued/helped just as much as women.

"waiting" is an interesting concept though. and maybe we will wait forever to be rescued because the simple fact is no one "cares" to rescue us.

we have a very selfish culture - a very sad, pessimistic, unhealthy way to see the world perhaps. but that view, i'll admit a very hopeless one, does seem to enable this writer at least to carry on...and do everything from earning a living to solving world hunger in this household, maintaining a smile no matter how i feel inside, take daily employer abuse and smile all the way, battle anxiety and loneliness without speaking a word, and trying to compete with all the men (the knights in shining armor) going the extra mile just to prevent us (me) from getting ahead.

well, i feel bit of lost cause at this stage in life because those knights are winning. i'm tired. so, i actually hope you can be rescued at the right time and right place and by someone healthy. maybe that little break will enable you to carry on, become stronger, and become your very own knight in shining armor.

you deserve better.

_________________________
Jeff

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#356234 - 03/11/11 06:51 PM Re: waiting [Re: westchesterguy]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Sounds great!
What would the rescuer be like?.....I think this is a great topic...
What are the qualities and the actions of the rescuer?.....
One thing I can see is that the rescuer would remind me that I am not being abused today....that the sun is shining and it's Friday March 11th, 2011.......He would say, I know what you have endured....Here's a "one arm round the shoulder" hug and take these word with you to remind you as you go about you day.....that I know what you have suffered and I know the silence you have lived in.....you don't have to do that any more. I see you and I acknowledge the abuse you suffered and the years of tortured silence you have endured...
I think that would be a good start.....


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#356264 - 03/12/11 06:30 AM Re: waiting [Re: RecoveryReady1]
westchesterguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Recovery

I think that would be a good start.....


i agree! great start. smile

i also think you confirmed for us mr. recovery... a rescuer by definition can just be support. he or she isn't a codependent, he isn't taking the responsibility of recovery for us. we aren't the so called damsels in distress. we CAN work through our issues, but by god another living being giving us an arm around the shoulder once an a while is a tremendous boost of good and positive energy. so why is it just fantasy?

i'll add too that a rescuer may take us out of ourselves for a little bit... maybe he shows up on our doorstep on a saturday and says "jeff, come on, pack an overnight we are going to XYZ and coming back tomorrow."

i've done that plenty of times myself for friends in need...and it worked every time. that temporary escape can help put things in a different light.

_________________________
Jeff

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#356300 - 03/12/11 04:36 PM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
devon0 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/07/00
Posts: 45
Loc: TX, USA
The "rescue" was a big part of my recovery because I prayed and prayed and prayed for someone, anyone, especially God to come to my aid. Nothing, nada, <crickets>.

Finally someone did come to me rescue but it was too late for my sense of faith and trust. It was anticlimatic.

In recovery I rescued myself and discovered that I was my own best friend and protector. I carried me out of that place and comforted me and told me that everything was going to be okay. It made all the difference.

_________________________
A life worth living.

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#356306 - 03/12/11 05:54 PM Re: waiting [Re: devon0]
Anthony39 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/07
Posts: 345
Loc: Montreal, Canada
thanks for all the replies. Food for thought. I just want to specify that when I express the notion of rescue, it's a very primal notion a childlike desire for help. It's a strong emotion that has come out in rage, anger, despair, mythical hope. I found rescue by proxi in movies with the happy endings. All those emotions attached to my behaviour over the years, were a manifestation of that desire. It is a selfish desire but so justifiable.
Now that I know what it is, I just need to figure out how to let go of it.

_________________________
Look up and not down; look forward and not back; look out and not in; and lend a hand.
E. E. Hale


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eM213aMKTHg

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#356311 - 03/12/11 06:14 PM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
I think just being aware of it and speaking about it the way you are here....will have powerful rippling effects in your life....


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#356319 - 03/12/11 08:14 PM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
jevin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/30/10
Posts: 46
Loc: somewhere on the Red Road
Anthony ...

Huge insight. A major step toward empowerment and reclaiming yourself. Congrats.

When I realized that there never was and never would be a rescue it brought a lot of tears, and a lot of fears. I remember crying for a long, long time as I was fixated onto this image of my abused boy in torment, waiting, waiting, waiting. I also came to see, and had to grieve, that I had brought that little one into all of my intimate relationships and that this put incredible pressure on my significant others to do the impossible. All of this was unconscious, and the main dynamic in how I arrived at a very isolated place in my life at that time.

It was so freeing to finally understand that all those years I had been waiting I was also only surviving. When I stopped waiting I had to learn to live. That was scary, because I didn't know how to do anything but survive. But, like with anything else worth learning, it was all about baby steps. I started to do little things for myself, loving things, nurturing things. One thing built on another, and another, until I really did begin to feel more alive. The more lovingly I treated myself the less victimized I felt, and consequently, the old belief that I needed rescuing steadily lost its power to keep me in survival mode.

Achieving these insights is like having landmarks suddenly appear in this huge amorphous space of recovery. We begin to see where we are, we get our bearings, they point us to the next piece of work we have to do. Then the next one, and the next. This one that you just had is major. I'm really happy for you, man.

- Jev

_________________________
"Whatever is rejected from the self appears in the world as an event."
- Carl Jung

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#356375 - 03/13/11 06:48 AM Re: waiting [Re: jevin]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
Guys....this idea of "waiting & wanting to be rescued" has resignated deep within my soul,I tossed & turned all night with insight after insight, like a veil was lifted....I had attempted to respond last night but all my thoughts and emotions were coming out jumbled...while trying to edit my post I lost it by typing wrong key....I couldn't keep my mind still to re-type! This is HUGE for me, WHAT a REVELATION...my heart felt gratitude & appreciation for all the efforts & emotion for you to achieve this milestone and the courage to post. MANY THANKS....IVAN


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#356376 - 03/13/11 08:31 AM Re: waiting [Re: itrahan]
itrahan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/02/10
Posts: 96
Loc: Louisiana, Gulf Coast
I had previousily thought of someone "wanting to be rescued" as someone needy, clinging to other peolple for life support, a negative conotation. Now I see it as simply someone void of purpose simply remaininig in the background waiting for someone or something to stir them & give them purpose. I have attended Sequoia 2010 & WOR 2011 and on both accounts had great weekends mainly feeling connected due all the saddness & loss I carry. I was able to relate to all the exercises & purposes, I was even complimented on having pretty keen insight during group sessions. I had gathered all the right information and put myself in the right places, accepted I was a victim and emotionally damaged, and it was awkward to be able to relate & actually shed some light on other folks situation which seemed obvious to me....but now I realize that was simply dutiful actions to try to feel better. The reality I failed to internalize is that all my activity was simply a shield to diguise that notion of "wanting to be rescued". So much going on in my mind, processing in a whole new perspective.


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#356476 - 03/13/11 10:36 PM Re: waiting [Re: jevin]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Hey all,

Thanks for sharing this Anthony, I resonant with the pain and loneliness of waiting for someone to step in and show care for you.

Tomorrow I'm doing a T session with a woman who worked MIRACLES for me a while back, and I fear going back to that well of grief and sorrow.

The posts here inspire me to take charge of my recovery and deliver that little boy to a healing place where he will grieve and sob and process those dark times that are ready to be released.

And I will be waiting for him when he is done-he won't have to wait for me ever again.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#417273 - 11/26/12 07:36 AM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
blacken Offline

Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1730
Loc: Northern Ohio
it sure would have been nice for someone to have noticed me as a kid.
To be scooped up & rescuded from that Hell that I wasn't even completely aware I was in.
The signs were there, like writing on a wall. no one was interested in reading it.
Let's see, he can't focus on his work, daydreams, sleeps in class, but he's got 2 parents. Hmmm, he must have a "learning disability", we'll "hold him back a grade & get him a tutor" that will fix everything.
I recall something new. I almost told that tutor. I was in the third grade. I wanted her to rescue me. it was so hard. adults are suppose to know, everthing. it must mean she doesnt care cause its not an issue. (not the words I thought, but how it felt to me) So just not say anything.

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#417280 - 11/26/12 09:13 AM Re: waiting [Re: Anthony39]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
That hurts.

So will YOU take care of that kid today? I bet he is still around. Mine is and he gets sick of being ignored because I am too busy, too serious , too worried to take notice.

So today I will be good to myself.

You too, ok?


Edited by Mountainous Buck (11/26/12 10:57 AM)
_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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