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#355483 - 03/03/11 05:56 PM I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5959
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
I was never told that I was going to die. I was not threatened with death, nor did the (physical) abusers ever put me in a situation where I was not conscious.
Yet, I knew I was going to die.

My parents were intense, terribly ominous, dark and foreboding. To make it worse, they were cheery popular and social, I was never escaping.
To me, they were sometimes supportive and even nurturing, food, shelter, toys and clothing, but I was terrified I was going to be so damaged, so destroyed I would die.

I thought about it, death. I held my breath, I choked myself and felt the rush of blood. I was alone a great deal of time, or at least alone inside me. I closed my eyes and imagined the process of dying, and being dead.

Every time my parents would come at me, attack and abuse me, I would be very present for the pain and bruising, and then be angry for the unfairness.
Whether while being abused, or afterwards, or hiding from my parents so as not to be abused, or fantasizing about the ultimate escape, I wanted to die.

I want to leave this here, like this, there was never any hope, so I will not put it in here.


#355500 - 03/03/11 08:14 PM Re: I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger [Re: SamV]
RecoveryReady1 Offline

Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433

That's clear....I know what you mean....
No need to water it down with hope that was not there....
the truth heals.
Thanks, Sam


#356110 - 03/10/11 11:48 AM Re: I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger [Re: RecoveryReady1]
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5959
Loc: Talladega, Alabama, USA
Thank you Steve,

Since this post, I have stopped smiling at everyone, for no reason, the plastic smile. Now I can express myself without thinking I have to please everyone.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#356113 - 03/10/11 12:21 PM Re: I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger [Re: SamV]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I know what you mean...the underlying message and the impulses of the those adults around.

There was NO hope then in terms of escaping the abuse BUT there is hope now.

Sam, I appreciate your telling of your story.


aka DJsport

#356130 - 03/10/11 03:45 PM Re: I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger [Re: SamV]
CruxFidelis Offline

Registered: 06/16/10
Posts: 486
Loc: NJ

I am sorry you had to be so conscious of mortality at such a young age.

I understand not wanting to put hope into a situation that was hopeless. But don't forget that the little boy who lived in fear of his parents has become the man who wrote that "I am." post. They are the same person, and you are strong enough to reconcile the two, I think.

You were a good kid, and you are a good man.'


“If a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.”

- Saint John of the Cross

#356132 - 03/10/11 04:59 PM Re: I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger [Re: CruxFidelis]
risingagain Offline

Registered: 11/09/10
Posts: 597
Loc: Vancouver, BC, Canada
Sasuva I completely relate to the two-sidedness of your childhood.

When the 'sweet things' parents do become sinister cover-ups for the terrible things they do, the whole process is corrupted.

I remember my mom's cakes.
Her breasts, and her lies.

#356160 - 03/10/11 11:11 PM Re: I was going to die... physical abuse... trigger [Re: risingagain]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
When we're abused it is like a death because it goes to the core of our very being. It's been called soul murder because it too often harms our very spirit. It may rob us of our faith because our pleas for intervention, as prayers, seem to go unheard and unanswered.

So many of us contemplate death because it would be an escape from the horror of our lives. We do so because we feel too little love from the world or even from Heaven. That such atrocities happen to children, as you were, is so sad and a real tragedy.

Sasuva, there may not have been much hope then, but there is now. You will smile again and it will be from your healing heart.

The best to you,


"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf


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