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#356137 - 03/10/11 11:01 PM some things that friends say
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
While talking with some very close friends that know of my CSA. When mentioning in conversation that my T had said that even though I feel very uncomfortable talking in public about anything. That some day I my be used by God to help others who are suffering with the same problems I have been fighting all my life. They replied that they felt I should never talk about this except to very few close friends. They make me feel as if I have done something wrong or should be ashamed of the abuse. Do people say things like this to many of my fellow members here on MS.

#356143 - 03/10/11 11:38 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: wayne9]
RecoveryReady1 Offline

Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Haven't heard that but it raises a good point about where they stand...curious about how that made you feel...
all the best

#356147 - 03/10/11 11:57 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: RecoveryReady1]
vachssfan Offline

Registered: 03/08/11
Posts: 58
Loc: TX
i've heard it. i'm overly confrontational though.

there *can* be some wisdom in that sentiment however, i would phrase it differently.

no that you should never talk about it except to a very close group of friends. that's bullshit.

rather, i would say if and when you decide to share it openly and bravely champion others who are struggling through what you have overcome- make sure you are ready to handle it.

some people are are shitty. and they can/will try and somehow *use* that against you.

i was a very outspoken person about abuse issues for a long time. did some public speaking. a lot of abuse awareness talks, volunteer recruiting, fund raising. and it WAS empowering and it DID feel good.

but there were occasions where people tried to judge me for it somehow in their fucked up little brains or tried to use it as a *handle* to try and coerce me into doing things.

when either of those happens it helps if you think about different ways to react a head of time so you can stay strong and true to yourself.

i think what your T said is VERY true and VERY possible and if you decide to do that- FUCK YEA MAN! that's awesome. and if anyone ever gives you a hard time for it, find me and i'll set em straight.

and if you decide you haven't been called down that road- there is NO SHAME in that either.

it is YOUR decision. this is something i am struggling with so i'm going to say it to you too- remember, regardless of what someone did to either of us when we were little, we're not little any more and we CAN make our OWN choices and be who WE want to be and live the lives that WE want.

this was kind of scatter brained but really- i wanted to say that yes i have heard things like that before and you did nothing wrong. at all. and the only people who should be ashamed are the people who hurt us.


#356156 - 03/11/11 03:37 AM Re: some things that friends say [Re: vachssfan]
1.healing Offline

Registered: 09/10/10
Posts: 261
Loc: NW Ohio
Hey Wayne,

Seems to me if you're uncomfortable talking in public about your abuse, you shouldn't. Afterall it's your story, to share or not share as your comfortable with. I also don't think God would ever call you to share your CSA if it's something which places your own comfort about it at risk. It's not necessary "to tell it on the mountain" in order to heal, there are other, safer ways.

Your friends may just be concerned that some of the reactions you'd get could hurt you. Perhaps you could ask them why(?)it is they think you should only share with close friends. You may also talk about how your not ashamed of yourself and that you hope they aren't either.

Wishing you all the best with this,


"It's never too late to be what you might have been."

George Elliot

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life."

Virginia Woolf

#356171 - 03/11/11 08:51 AM Re: some things that friends say [Re: 1.healing]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2713
Loc: durham, north england
Hi Wayne.

Myself, the problem is I can think of two reasons why close friends would tell you not to tell too many people.

Either, as Garry said, they are being good friends to you and, ---- especially if you are uncomfortable with talking about it, attempting to save you from the possibly unpleasant experience of talking in public.

This is a good thing indeed and shows your friends are concerned for you.

Afterall, as has been said, you don't need to yell from the roof tops in order to heal, that's not a requirement partiuclarly if it would be difficult.

The second explanation is that because your friends are themselves uncomfortable with healing your story, they don't think it should be broardcast, because they would prefer not! to confront that themselves as it contradicts their usual view of the world.

I'm not necessarily saying this is the case, but it might be.

Eitherway though, who you tell, how you tell and what you do with your story is entirely your affair and nobodoy elses.

Ultimately, while your t and your friends can give advice, considdering whether that advice is good and what to do about it is up to you as a responsable person who can make his own choices.

#356188 - 03/11/11 01:32 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: dark empathy]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
In my mind I can never imagine speaking in public about the CSA or anything else for that matter. I am a struggling Christian and do pray when alone but have never said Grace in front of any person in my life. If I know I need to tell of a pray request during our small Sunday school class I get nervous and start to sweat just thinking about whats coming. I know that these are friends who care about me deeply but act as if its something to be keep in secrecy. They may not mean it but it made me feel as if I should be ashamed or embarrassed of what happened in my childhood.

Edited by wayne9 (03/11/11 03:39 PM)

#356197 - 03/11/11 03:30 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: wayne9]
innocence Offline

Registered: 03/10/11
Posts: 3
Loc: Canada
dear Wayne, First the reply from the friends in question has one word that stands out like a pile of exclamation points at the end of a sentence: NEVER. People who say one ought "NEVER" talk about it, are not saying "Don't talk about it for the time being." If not now, one day talking about it may be benificial to you and others. Your T is right when he/she said that in talking about it, God can use it to help others. But "NEVER" and "not for the present moment" do not convey the same message irregardless as to what is being discussed. I have mentionned my CSA to others. Only a couple of family members disapproved.Their problem!

#356226 - 03/11/11 10:45 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: wayne9]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: wayne9
....They make me feel as if I have done something wrong or should be ashamed of the abuse. Do people say things like this to many of my fellow members here on MS.

why do they make you feel the way you stated?

was it because of the message that you should only discuss with very few close friends?

in my opinion, the ability to talk about the past comes much easier when it is no longer affecting you day to day. only going on what you typed, maybe i could assume your friends felt strongly in your recovery process so that some day you could help others with your story? not sure, just going on what you typed.

i personally was never told this by people in my circle of friends. i did however come to a point -- on my own and of my own will -- to share my story, as brutal as it was, in a very public way, in front of classrooms and in front of audiences. my goal was to make people aware that this happens to men and that recovery is key to a healthier life ahead.


#356228 - 03/11/11 10:53 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: westchesterguy]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
well I seem to be able to talk about it in public. But I have been working on this for a while now.

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#356236 - 03/11/11 11:59 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: michael Joseph]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/15/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama
I think what bothers me is that for around 40 years I WAS ashamed of it. Now after opening the can of worms I have come to understand that I am a VICTIM. I am NOT to blame. Then when someone acts as if I should keep this all to myself it makes me feel like I did do something wrong.

#356267 - 03/12/11 02:46 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: wayne9]
LandOfShadow Offline

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
It's "society" that's wrong not you.

Stop talking to those friends, wayne9. They're good people but aren't experts in sexual abuse. Responses like those reinforce your shame, guilt and isolation. Find helpful, supportive responses, not stuff that you feel shamed, mis-understood or isolated by.

Keeping the secret does not help you. You have to talk about it, but with who? My thoughts about that are here

Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you

Paul Eluard

#356286 - 03/12/11 07:15 PM Re: some things that friends say [Re: wayne9]
Giggles Offline

Registered: 12/29/10
Posts: 14
Loc: Oregon
Victim. It is hard to swallow. Shame and other badness we know.
I've had some friends and fam. concerned of my healing and whom is involved. It is very difficult to have them with me on the journey. Still working on that. Love them and it hurts me, them knowing me my pain, must let them in more. sorry off topic. Been on here too long. Break.

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