I feel SO frustrated!!!
I need to talk or Iíll keep poisoning myself. I want to say that I am sick of this country (Colombia). I am fed up, I give up, I canít do it anymore. I remember how as a kid I used to help transform my neighborhood into a good place to be. I did all my best by not thinking that itís the place where I grew up and got raped and robbed several times, I did my best trying to forget and keep walking. I used to go to the park across the street and remove the garbage with my hands, with the community, for the community. I remember myself even sweeping the sidewalks and gathering in the park for xmas with the people. After some time they started destroying the park making all our efforts worthless, became a dumpster and a smelly swamp again with mosquitoes and mountains of waste. They brought drugs and darkness, insecurity, fear.
I have been robbed to the point of bleeding my hand and had a gun on my back while seeing my mom have a knife on her neck. I am so fucking tired of this man.
Obligated to recognize and deal with my perp as part of the family as if nothing had happened, I lived this way. But I tried not to give it much thought. I was concentrated in my study and in becoming a good man. Despite all the problems I had experienced and all the difficulties my parents faced with this horrible economy, I managed to travel to other cities while in high school and talk to people about why we should believe in the country. I taught myself English with a strong discipline and some help from outside, and I made it. The city was still my inspiration to study the environment and I got a scholarship to study engineering in a prominent school.
While most of my friends deliberately chose light programs, I longed for the most demanding academically and professionally, and everywhere I went, I mentioned my city ad how much I wanted to be useful for it. Lived alone, with untreated CSA-PTSD and then living a hell with horribly misleading therapies that made me walk years backwards. But I tried not to give it much thought. I wanted to learn more and more, and I got 1st place in the country rankings. Then when I come back home I am eager to do a lot of things but this is the bullshit I find: a number of environmental engineering students are killed in their academic fieldtrips, especially from my university because they believe they are rich and can charge a lot of money after kidnapping them or they basically kill them. You CANNOT travel in here, you CANNOT be in a job that demands moving from one place to another without feeling that youíre going to make it there safe. Biodiversity and the country of 2 oceans is BULLSHIT. A country that prides itself with the ocean thing and canít even see it without feeling scared.
I am sick of corruption and people robbing money everywhere. I honestly donít give a damn that this country is no 1 in frogs and that has the highest mountain on a shore. Whatís up with that? So I work my hump off and get a job as a professional engineer here in which I have to re write a paragraph that another better paid person wroteÖ and I have to go to a lawyer meeting and record everything in my cellphone to then write the dialogue in the computer? Is that what my education is worth? My mother told me that when I was a baby a strong hurricane hit the city and that to keep me out of the water she had to put me on top of the closet and keep me there while she swept the water out.
I did voluntary research about this hurricane and became the first person studying it, presented my findings in a national seminar and traveled overseas to meet scholars and discuss about it. So I get back from Europe and this is it? My boss asks me for something and I write to Ivy League professors for advice and he disregards everything? So I applied for an internship (no payment), yes Ė I decided to NOT receive a salary and get a part time job because I did WANT to do something useful. I quit my job and when I go the 1st day of internship they tell me they canít accept me. Unknown reasons. A city that gets flooded every year about the same date and no one gives a fucking damn. They just want money from charity and fix the current problem. And then next year ask for the same money. Environmental authority? B.S That office sucks big time. Thereís only one study of air pollution and itís WRONG. The company that supposedly did it does not exist in the records. I sent an email to the contact from this ghost company and answered, then when I asked about the city, never again said a word. Being a Prof. Eng here sucks big time too. If I get a masterís degree I still would make less than what I used to make monthly in USA when I worked for a summer sweeping a dirty warehouse. Affirmative action does not work here. Itís ďwho you knowĒ and the white-collar bs.
Itís earning a salary and you realize that you are not growing up as a person. Itís walking in the only mall of the city and realizing you canít buy anything because all is far too expensive. Perspectives to even buy a car are far far away. I cannot live like this.
I applied to Graduate Studies in USA for this fall and I was not offered admission because of the GRE General Test Score I believe. The worse thing is that I could only apply for one because itís expensive all those non-refundable fees and $180 bucks-each exams. This of course delays my studies for at least another year for fall 2012; and I probably have to take the exams again or go elsewhere. I donít have a dime to study, I need to get a scholarship, or some resource in which I can work and pay for my own thing. However the visa thing is complicated because you are granted a visa for either work or study, and qualified work requires advanced studies, at least through masterís degree.
The problem is not being admitted this time; the problem is what to do in this crap meanwhile. I am grateful that I have shelter and that we could finally move to a decent neighborhood, but I want to keep growing. I hate not wanting to travel within the country, the underdeveloped thing, how stuck we are in time and space. All I do is sit down in my house and tutor math for school students. This is an environmental engineer
. Keep applying for job every week. Weíre close to April, this will get flooded again.