"I feel I am needing something, and do not know what it is, or how to ask for it. I feel I am sliding down a hill. I feel like I am drowning, I feel my emotions are overwhelming me."
Did you take an entry from my journal?
I have been there, brother, so many times, and I still get there sometimes. Therapy for sexual abuse, esp. group therapy, has helped me a lot, and helped me to realize that usually what I need is something very simple that was denied to me repeatedly as a boy. That something might be unconditional love, or it might simply be permission to express the rage or hurt inside of me over the abuse. It might be a need to connect with someone, stop isolating and letting the thoughts just spin uselessly.
We're all here for you. You are a courageous man to be facing what happened to you. You are stronger than what happened to you, and what happened to you was never your fault.
P.S. If by "doing stupid things," you mean sexually acting out, I would ask, is there an Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting, or a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting in your area? If so, there are people there who would understand, I'll bet.
"I've been waiting for a guide to come and take me by the hand... Could these sensations make me feel the pleasures of a normal man?"--Ian Curtis, Joy Division