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#35492 - 04/05/05 04:10 PM I don't know what to do *poss trig*
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
I'm so scared right now, I'm so scared I'll do something I'll regret like mess up my arms and hands again by cutting. I have not real motivatoin not to, no one is telling me or showing me any different. I don't want to leave my room because I know what awaits me on the other side..............

#35493 - 04/05/05 05:50 PM Re: I don't know what to do *poss trig*
phoster Offline

Registered: 11/21/03
Posts: 758
Loc: ohio
sorry you are hurting. you know the cutting wont change anything in the end. it is just a momentary release. i know you know that because i always did. i didnt cut. i did it in other ways. i remember humping a tree until the bark tore me up. with me it was always sexual that way.

i know the self-hate and anger directed inward that makes it feel good to hurt yourself. it feels like you've gotten what you deserved. remember it is a lie though. no one deserves to hurt. you dont deserve punished. you deserve loved, and kissed and tenderness, not blood and deep cuts. you arent sick or perverted. being abused wasnt your choice. how you reacted after wasnt in your ability to understand or control. you dont deserve this. you deserve better. remind yourself that it isnt you, it is the world and the abuse. tell yourself you are worthy of more. you are worthy of something better.

compassion is a light even to the darkest soul

#35494 - 04/05/05 11:53 PM Re: I don't know what to do *poss trig*
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts

I cut as well, although I haven't in a long time. I am where you are, in a way, because I'm feeling low today and physical pain is a temptation for me right now.

The thing is, Phoster is right. I know, and I imagine you know, that cutting yourself will not do one thing to make you better. Sure, the release is such a temptation, but you also realize what the end results will be. You are SO much better than that. You are meant for greater things.

Lost, please don't be afraid of the world. It's scary, but from coming here, you can see there are more good people than bad out there. Most people wish you only well. There aren't many of the sick f**ks who'll do us harm. You know what? You're stronger than them. MUCH stronger. These "people," they're cowards and are much weakre than you. By living to what YOU KNOW to be your potential, which means being happy and enjoying the good person you are, you rise far above the worst of them.

You are a brave man. And you are meant for great things in this life.

Peace and love, my friend.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#35495 - 04/06/05 01:21 AM Re: I don't know what to do *poss trig*
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I don't log on until the afternoon, so I wasn't around to help when you needed it. I'm sorry for that. I hope you're feeling better.

The hardest thing to get into our heads is that we are not bad. You are not bad. You don't deserve pain or cutting or any of that. You are good. It is those terrible, nasty perps that were bad. Don't believe this thing in our heads that says we're as bad as they were. We aren't.

I understand so much the addiction to cutting. Like any addiction, sometimes we need a healthy substitute to take its place. Your writing and telling us you could use an outside voice is an excellent substitute. I hope your hands made it through the morning. You're a good person who had terrible things done to you. PM me anytime you feel like that. I check my email more often than I log on here.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

#35496 - 04/06/05 01:37 AM Re: I don't know what to do *poss trig*
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Lostone, please dont cut, it does not do any good, and it just causes pain. The pain is not yours and we will help if we can.

Are you on any meds, maybe you break the ice with your doc, you just have to say you are experiencing depression, if you dont want to tell them the real reason.

It is so hard with everything you are facing, but we are all here for you, I/We, know just how lonely and hopeless this part of the journey can be, especially when so much is expected of you.

I have had to journey to this part of my life, where it seemed so hopeless, but I got to where I am, and I want you to feel strong, you have been strong to get this far, adn it is not easy, but it is possible, especially with help.

Dont blame YOU, blame should be were it belongs, on those who do these things, adn you are good and worthy of more than that.

You are a fighter, who should have the rest between battles, and I will pray that you find th peace and rest you deserve,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#35497 - 04/06/05 01:42 AM Re: I don't know what to do *poss trig*
lostone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/09/05
Posts: 14
Thank you so much for your kind words. I cry when I read them because I feel so overwhelmed knowing people care about me. Thank you once again.

PS. This is what the alphabet would look like if Q&R dissapeared.

#35498 - 04/06/05 07:49 AM Re: I don't know what to do *poss trig*
Splitting Offline

Registered: 12/26/04
Posts: 62
My self harm is different. I will scratch my skin until it bleeds. When I was addicted to running I would purposely run hard every day until my legs ached. When that did not do it for me I would make sure that my left shoe hit the inside of my right ankle with every step. Bo that for 15 miles.

Amazing thing is that I could not feel it. My sock would be bloody and I felt nothing. We SA survivors really know how to numb out pain don't we.

Anyway, with some really good meds and spending a small fortune in counseling I have finally stopped most ofthat stuff. I still scratch myself occasionally and the last run I went on I did push it a little too hard. But I am making some progress in this arena.

Hang in there


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