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#35461 - 11/18/03 10:35 PM Want to end it all
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Okay, I'm being selfish again, but it's all about me.

My life is falling apart and I'm really down about it. I will not act on the feelings I have at present, but I must say, I feel like throwing it all away, ending it all, killing myself.

I am such a hypocrite, being a cheerleader for people when I feel like I want to die.

What does it matter anyway? I asked myself, what purpose do I have? None. I haven't done one GODDAMN thing worth while. Some days I feel great, others I feel like crap. My life is collapsing and why should I even give one sweet damn anyway?

As I said, I won't act on this, I've gotten a challenge from God and all, but what's the point? My life is hell and I don't see any way out. I am a lodestone on my family and friends and I cannot bring myself to care anymore.

Sorry brothers, it just hurts too much today. I'm crying as I write this. Is anybody there? Does anybody care?

Scot \:\(

There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#35462 - 11/18/03 11:00 PM Re: Want to end it all
Thomas Offline

Registered: 07/31/03
Posts: 109
Loc: boise

Is anybody there? Does anybody care?
I'm here. I care. I hurt and I cry for and with you.


To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive. - Robert Louis Stevenson

#35463 - 11/18/03 11:03 PM Re: Want to end it all
MrDon Offline

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
fully understand what you're saying... and I just keep telling myself to keep going....

In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!

#35464 - 11/18/03 11:18 PM Re: Want to end it all
ecb Offline

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I'm listening Scot. Been there myself. I know it won't come as any great comfort, but it WILL get better.


#35465 - 11/19/03 12:10 AM Re: Want to end it all
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
i hope you read the post i did elsewhere about the image of the expanding horizon and its impact on my life. i wont go into the stary again here (stop the cheering guys \:D !!!), but i will tell you that this image is one theologian's perception of the relationship with our Father in heaven inasmuch as the journey we go through is driven by that draw to the horizon and that every step, or every inch we crawl brings us one step closer. the horizon is always beyond our reach not because it is pointless, but because it is the ongoing souce of hope. someday we will embrace the horizon and our journey will be complete in that sense, but until then we look to the horizon and reach for it. this is a prayer that was entrusted to me many years ago that incorporates the image of that theologian i value so much. the prayer was entrusted to me in the sense that i believe God gave it to me to write and to share. peace, my brother, and reach for the horizon.

Of the earth
And of our hands
Which is holy
That we might find strength
To listen, that we might learn
To hear, that we might remember
To reach, that we might yet stand

That we might yet stand
To embrace the
Of our
As we
On our
All of the

So be it (i.e. Amen)

i wrote this from memory and i know it is somewhat incomplete, but the essential prayer i was given is there.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#35466 - 11/19/03 12:17 AM Re: Want to end it all
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Hi Scot,

I am here, and I care.

I have read many of your posts, you have done things worth a damn.

Hang in there brother,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#35467 - 11/19/03 12:18 AM Re: Want to end it all
Happy Birthday Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
You are not a load on anyone, and in your depressed state probably have no clue as to how much you enrich people's lives by being you. I would very much recommend you see a doctor and discuss how you are feeling. Do not minimize your feelings when going for help. State things just like you have on this board. You are appreciated and valued. Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#35468 - 11/19/03 12:35 AM Re: Want to end it all
dan_in_newengland Offline

Registered: 07/06/01
Posts: 162
Loc: Mass
I care, I understand, and hope to hear from you soon


#35469 - 11/19/03 01:51 AM Re: Want to end it all
survive75 Offline

Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 304
Loc: Massachusetts
I know how much the pain can affect you and push you to that edge brother. I was there just a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn't so much that I wanted to die, but that I just wanted to escape the pain, the memories, and all the bullshit running through my head.

Speaking from experience, (I ended up in the psych ward this time, and the other time I tried to end it back in high school) it just makes it worse in some way.

Regarding the whole "hypocrite" thing, I know what you mean, but my therapist once said that the things we say to others is really what we need to hear ourselves. So every time you have replied to me, it is something you have needed to hear. Every time you have boosted someone's spirits in hear, or reached out to them, or encouraged them, or thanked them for their honesty... it is something you needed to hear as well. Maybe that helps you reframe it somehow.

I hope so. And I am here for you... you know I am. We all are here for each other.



"Even though I know/I donít want to know/Yeah I guess I know/I just hate how it sounds"

#35470 - 11/19/03 01:55 AM Re: Want to end it all
blueelectron9 Offline

Registered: 11/07/02
Posts: 387
Loc: Victoria, BC Canada
I care, Scot.


An odd duck who likes even numbers.

#35471 - 11/19/03 08:24 AM Re: Want to end it all
midnight51 Offline

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 145
Loc: Cleveland, Ohio
"A groan of tedium escapes me startling the fearful
Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on
draining patience, strain vitality
this paranoid paralyzed vampire acts a little old...

But I'm still right here, givin blood keepin faith
and I'm still right here
But I'm still right here, given blood keepin faith
and I'm still right here

Wait it out... gonna wait it out...
wait it out...

If there were no rewards to reap
A loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would have walked away
by now...

Gonna wait it out...

If there were no desire to heal
The damage that broke and met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certain would have walked away
by now..." ~Tool - The Patient

Also, remember that a man with no enemies is a man with no convictions. And from your convictions you can draw stength from which you never knew existed.

You are strong, and you can walk this path.



#35472 - 11/19/03 10:15 AM Re: Want to end it all
Tribear Offline

Registered: 11/09/03
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally posted by crisispoint:
I feel like throwing it all away, ending it all, killing myself.

I am such a hypocrite, being a cheerleader for people when I feel like I want to die.

No one has all the answers, or we'd jump on their bandwagon and all be cured. Still, advice has been given to me by others that has been helpful. So you're no hypocrite to offer advice.

Sometimes, especially when we are feeling our own pain, we all forget what helped before, and need to hear it again from someone else.

I hope this isn't out of place: I view this survivor thing kind of like a long journey across barren ground. When I fall, you may offer to prop me up under my arm for a while and help me keep going, until I can walk on my own again. Then you may later tire and fall, and someone props you up the same way for part of the trip. If we keep on doing that in turn, hopefully we will all make it to the end of the trip, and I mean to a better place in life.

This land we're crossing, the 'survivor journey'? It mostly sucks in my opinion.

None of us are supermen, and we all need some help along the way. I sure do. I hope things get better.



#35473 - 11/19/03 04:01 PM Re: Want to end it all
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Originally posted by crisispoint:
My life is falling apart and I'm really down about it. I will not act on the feelings I have at present, but I must say, I feel like throwing it all away, ending it all, killing myself.

I understand your frustration and despair and loneliness.

I am glad that you say you will not act on your feelings.

Suicidal ideation may be a way of releasing stress. When I know that I have no plan for following through I think I am not so much wanting to end my life as wanting to have a new life.

You are heard. Your input here is highly valued and has helped a lot of us here.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#35474 - 11/19/03 04:59 PM Re: Want to end it all
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hi Scot,

I have a lot of the same kinds of thoughts that you have I think.

Lately, the thoughts of killing myself by shooting myself in the head have become very intrusive and of course terribly disturbing.

I've never owned a gun, have no access to one and have no intention of being engulfed by these eruptions of despair. But still the feelings of hopelessness linger. The emotions are so strong that to not feel at all seems preferable.

I think that I want not so much to die as to simply stop feeling.

Like you I'm lucky to have this place and a lot of other support where I come and talk about these thoughts and feelings. They say that talking about them out loud to another person takes away a lot of the power and that is my experience.

I hope that the darkness of your despair has lightened some since you wrote these words. From what all the guys here have written it is very clear that you are not alone, nor am I.

It is not true that "no one cares"; lots of men here do and are not afraid to say it. I'm glad you wrote about the way you were feeling since it gave me some much needed perspective on my fatalistic and hopeless mind set.

A couple of other ways of looking at this phase in my recovery have been suggested to me. I share these with you for what they are worth; simply a different perspective on where I am and what is really happening to engender these thoughts of self destruction.

First, several have suggested that I must be moving close to some type of breakthrough, some new level of growth because the suicidal thoughts are a gross reaction to perceived but unknown changes.

As someone here observed, the greatest challenges are also the greatest opportunities for healing.

One other observation is that, yes, my world is in shambles. The old way that I used to live, prior to the disclosure of the sexual abuse was propped up with all sorts of lies, deceptions and illusions about who I am and what happened.

Today many of those lies and deceptions have disappeared and yet the new life, the re discovery of my true self is still a work in progress. And there are times it looks like a total shambles.....but it's really just a brand new life in the midst of being born.

Birth is from what I know, a very messy and painful process. Pretty scary I imagine too for the parties involved. And at the same time the beginnings of a new life in a new and different world must represent the destruction and end of the old life we have had.

No matter how limited or dark our previous existence might have been.....and believe me when I say that my life prior to the awareness and disclosure of the SA was very dark and very matter how unhealthy the old way was, it still has the appeal of the familiar.

My fear of the unknown is so great that at times I wish that I had never known what had really happened to me. But evidently it is too late for that. As a friend once said, "Letting the cat out of the bag is a lot easier than trying to put the cat back in.....he's pretty pissed off at that point and not going back without a big fight."

I think that my thoughts of 'not feeling', of being dead or more aggressively imagining shooting myself are ways that I manifest the intense pain and fear that accompany my transition from being a victim to being a survivor and beyond to being what they call a "thriver", though I'm certainly not there yet.

Of course, please seek some professional help with your situation. If you are already involved in the counselling process please be as honest and straightforward with them as you have been with us.

I have to make a real effort to NOT minimize my distress when speaking to my shrink, therapist or friends.

For the record, I'm taking several different anti depressant meds, see my psychiatrist regularly, have a once weekly therapy session and also belong to a gay mens group therapy weekly session.

This is some tough stuff that you and I are dealing with. It's scary and it's hard and it feels like shit.

But we are not alone in this darkness. Even when we cannot see the way ahead, we can hear the voices of our brothers who are all around us calling to us and then reaching out their hands to reassure us.

Thanks for letting your voice be heard and here, I'm reaching out my hand......

Wishing you peace and serenity,

Your fellow survivor,

"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#35475 - 11/20/03 01:48 AM Re: Want to end it all
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
we care, we understand.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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