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#35471 - 11/19/03 08:24 AM Re: Want to end it all
midnight51 Offline

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 145
Loc: Cleveland, Ohio
"A groan of tedium escapes me startling the fearful
Is this a test? It has to be, otherwise I can't go on
draining patience, strain vitality
this paranoid paralyzed vampire acts a little old...

But I'm still right here, givin blood keepin faith
and I'm still right here
But I'm still right here, given blood keepin faith
and I'm still right here

Wait it out... gonna wait it out...
wait it out...

If there were no rewards to reap
A loving embrace to see me through
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certainly would have walked away
by now...

Gonna wait it out...

If there were no desire to heal
The damage that broke and met along
This tedious path I've chosen here
I certain would have walked away
by now..." ~Tool - The Patient

Also, remember that a man with no enemies is a man with no convictions. And from your convictions you can draw stength from which you never knew existed.

You are strong, and you can walk this path.



#35472 - 11/19/03 10:15 AM Re: Want to end it all
Tribear Offline

Registered: 11/09/03
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally posted by crisispoint:
I feel like throwing it all away, ending it all, killing myself.

I am such a hypocrite, being a cheerleader for people when I feel like I want to die.

No one has all the answers, or we'd jump on their bandwagon and all be cured. Still, advice has been given to me by others that has been helpful. So you're no hypocrite to offer advice.

Sometimes, especially when we are feeling our own pain, we all forget what helped before, and need to hear it again from someone else.

I hope this isn't out of place: I view this survivor thing kind of like a long journey across barren ground. When I fall, you may offer to prop me up under my arm for a while and help me keep going, until I can walk on my own again. Then you may later tire and fall, and someone props you up the same way for part of the trip. If we keep on doing that in turn, hopefully we will all make it to the end of the trip, and I mean to a better place in life.

This land we're crossing, the 'survivor journey'? It mostly sucks in my opinion.

None of us are supermen, and we all need some help along the way. I sure do. I hope things get better.



#35473 - 11/19/03 04:01 PM Re: Want to end it all
Brayton Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
Originally posted by crisispoint:
My life is falling apart and I'm really down about it. I will not act on the feelings I have at present, but I must say, I feel like throwing it all away, ending it all, killing myself.

I understand your frustration and despair and loneliness.

I am glad that you say you will not act on your feelings.

Suicidal ideation may be a way of releasing stress. When I know that I have no plan for following through I think I am not so much wanting to end my life as wanting to have a new life.

You are heard. Your input here is highly valued and has helped a lot of us here.


Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

#35474 - 11/19/03 04:59 PM Re: Want to end it all
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
Hi Scot,

I have a lot of the same kinds of thoughts that you have I think.

Lately, the thoughts of killing myself by shooting myself in the head have become very intrusive and of course terribly disturbing.

I've never owned a gun, have no access to one and have no intention of being engulfed by these eruptions of despair. But still the feelings of hopelessness linger. The emotions are so strong that to not feel at all seems preferable.

I think that I want not so much to die as to simply stop feeling.

Like you I'm lucky to have this place and a lot of other support where I come and talk about these thoughts and feelings. They say that talking about them out loud to another person takes away a lot of the power and that is my experience.

I hope that the darkness of your despair has lightened some since you wrote these words. From what all the guys here have written it is very clear that you are not alone, nor am I.

It is not true that "no one cares"; lots of men here do and are not afraid to say it. I'm glad you wrote about the way you were feeling since it gave me some much needed perspective on my fatalistic and hopeless mind set.

A couple of other ways of looking at this phase in my recovery have been suggested to me. I share these with you for what they are worth; simply a different perspective on where I am and what is really happening to engender these thoughts of self destruction.

First, several have suggested that I must be moving close to some type of breakthrough, some new level of growth because the suicidal thoughts are a gross reaction to perceived but unknown changes.

As someone here observed, the greatest challenges are also the greatest opportunities for healing.

One other observation is that, yes, my world is in shambles. The old way that I used to live, prior to the disclosure of the sexual abuse was propped up with all sorts of lies, deceptions and illusions about who I am and what happened.

Today many of those lies and deceptions have disappeared and yet the new life, the re discovery of my true self is still a work in progress. And there are times it looks like a total shambles.....but it's really just a brand new life in the midst of being born.

Birth is from what I know, a very messy and painful process. Pretty scary I imagine too for the parties involved. And at the same time the beginnings of a new life in a new and different world must represent the destruction and end of the old life we have had.

No matter how limited or dark our previous existence might have been.....and believe me when I say that my life prior to the awareness and disclosure of the SA was very dark and very matter how unhealthy the old way was, it still has the appeal of the familiar.

My fear of the unknown is so great that at times I wish that I had never known what had really happened to me. But evidently it is too late for that. As a friend once said, "Letting the cat out of the bag is a lot easier than trying to put the cat back in.....he's pretty pissed off at that point and not going back without a big fight."

I think that my thoughts of 'not feeling', of being dead or more aggressively imagining shooting myself are ways that I manifest the intense pain and fear that accompany my transition from being a victim to being a survivor and beyond to being what they call a "thriver", though I'm certainly not there yet.

Of course, please seek some professional help with your situation. If you are already involved in the counselling process please be as honest and straightforward with them as you have been with us.

I have to make a real effort to NOT minimize my distress when speaking to my shrink, therapist or friends.

For the record, I'm taking several different anti depressant meds, see my psychiatrist regularly, have a once weekly therapy session and also belong to a gay mens group therapy weekly session.

This is some tough stuff that you and I are dealing with. It's scary and it's hard and it feels like shit.

But we are not alone in this darkness. Even when we cannot see the way ahead, we can hear the voices of our brothers who are all around us calling to us and then reaching out their hands to reassure us.

Thanks for letting your voice be heard and here, I'm reaching out my hand......

Wishing you peace and serenity,

Your fellow survivor,

"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

#35475 - 11/20/03 01:48 AM Re: Want to end it all
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
we care, we understand.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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