Newest Members
Kristabar, tom93, ninjei, JollyRoger, AnonymousJerry
13511 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
camdon (33), camdon greenwood (33), Denise (75), getteddie (69), morgoth (27), Ric (69)
Who's Online
4 registered (4 invisible), 49 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,511 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,184 Topics
490,041 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#353698 - 02/15/11 07:46 AM Sexual Fantasies
AverageMan Offline

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 13
Under normal situations I am not attracted to men, but once in a while I have a fantasy of giving men oral sex. I also have fantasies of having sex with a woman and a man at the same time. So I did a "test" in the shower at the gym. I just stood next to other man and thought to myself "am I attracted to this person?". So no I am not attracted to men. Also in normal life, if I see a man that would be considered good looking it does not create any emotions of attraction (like a good looking woman would). But sometimes it seems when I am under stress I have these fantasies. So if you are a gay man reading this please don't be offended. But I just thought about it and really don't want to live that type of lifestyle and it is not appealing to me. And I would be content with woman.

So the fantasies happened rather bad one night while I was trying to sleep. It seemed to happen on its own, almost against my will.

Can this have been caused by sexual abuse? Can you be a straight man and just have random thoughts like that? Just so you know I have never had any encounter with a man, and have never gone past these random thoughts.

#353709 - 02/15/11 01:31 PM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: AverageMan]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Hi AverageMan:
Welcome to MS. You are speaking of a problem that many of the men here have experienced. It is connected to the sexual abuse and has been the subject of many posts (see this forum and do a search of the topics that have been posted.)

It's common, you're normal and it can either be reinforceed/made stronger, or it can be extinguished or reduced by pairing it with negative imagery. If you masturbate to fantasies of giving oral sex to men, you will make it stronger.

Edited by Ken Singer, LCSW (02/15/11 01:32 PM)
Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#353845 - 02/16/11 06:46 PM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Congrats on facing yourself, AM-looking at this in light of our past abuse has been enlightening for me-there were amlot of sexual hangups and behavior I had (ken is right about masturbation reinforcing these feelings) that were tied to the abuse.

On the other side Of this there is a whole world of affirming sexuality that is free from the past-that's the place I am at today. Airing our problems and thoughts in a place like this is a path to healing and life.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#353867 - 02/16/11 09:35 PM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: AverageMan]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: AverageMan seems when I am under stress....

i liked what ken wrote in response.

i also wanted to just pull that comment from your post.
when i'm under stress, i think my fantasies increase and my desire for sex increases. but now as i approach 10 years without sex, i have realized that fantasies will be all i ever have from this point forward.

but stress god. how often i think that stress does more damage to people than eating too much, drinking too much, and smoking too much -- combined! smile especially when you are someone like me who does not take medication to help cope with our culture's stress.


#353906 - 02/17/11 07:47 AM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: westchesterguy]
AverageMan Offline

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 13
It is connected to the sexual abuse

It is nice to know that maybe there is a logical reason for it, and I hope that it will help me let it go and stop worrying about it. Maybe it is the same reason for some of the embarrassing sexual compulsions I have suffered over the years. It helps me cope with the thought of it, if there was a reason for it.

#353970 - 02/17/11 07:10 PM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: AverageMan]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: AverageMan
[quote] ...It helps me cope with the thought of it, if there was a reason for it....

For me, there is a reason and the CSA was NOT my fault nor the SA.

Hope it helps you by knowing your not alone.


aka DJsport

#354327 - 02/21/11 06:06 PM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: AverageMan]
alanhoops Offline

Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 21
I can relate to your confusion and it is when I am under stress or not feeling good about mydelf that I have these fantasies. I am being used again in these fantasies like being a sex slave so it is not a healthy gay fantasy. It's all I think I'm good for or worthy of to try to get some love. Maybe reliving the abuse but feeling in more control is part of the reason for doing so.

#354359 - 02/21/11 09:05 PM Re: Sexual Fantasies [Re: alanhoops]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
I've been asked by a couple of people to explain what I mean by negative reinforcement. Here it is:

By 'negative imagery", I mean pairing the thought/fantasy with something unpleasant to reduce the connection between the thought with the pleasurable feelings.

In a non-sexual example, if one were trying to avoid eating ice cream, imagining your favorite flavor and thinking about how good it will taste, how good it will feel going down your throat, etc, will make it more likely that you will want to go out and have some ice cream.

The negative imagery might be thinking of that ice cream and instead of imagining the above positive connection, you think about how the ice cream will taste if you put chopped onions on it. The negative association will make it less likely to want to have the ice cream since it is now "contaminatd" by the additiona of onions.

This is also applicable to sexual fantasies. If you think of something that is sexually arousing and pleasurable, you will be more likely to act on the thoughts with approaching a partner or masturbation.

If the sexual fantasy is paired with negative things, such as imagining your partner catching you with the other person you were fantasizing about, having him/her become upset, yelling at you, cursing at you, etc., it is less likely that that pleasurable fantasy will be as arousing as it was before adding the negative images.

You might run a google search on "behavioral conditioning", "conditioned learning", or "negative reinforcement". It's about classic behavioral conditioning, first identified by Pavlov many years ago.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.