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#356862 - 03/17/11 01:36 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: worldscentre]
NOLA Girlfriend Offline

Registered: 03/16/11
Posts: 16
worldcentre, you are making a lot of sense to me. I could have written your last paragraph verbatim. I am feeling very conflicted. On the one hand, I understand that he is in a crisis and desperately needs temporary relief from his "trigger" (which is apparently me as the partner upon which he is projecting his feelings about his abuser). On the other hand, I am scared to death that he will find comfort in the distance and decide that he'd rather be without me than work through this with me. So hard.

#356876 - 03/17/11 02:25 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: NOLA Girlfriend]
aloved1 Offline

Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 65
Loc: Texas
Sally and worldcenter...I'm in my 30's too! And not early thirties wink Sally, you come here and say what you have to say as many times as you need. That's what we are here for. Before I discovered this site, I, too, felt like a broken record to my one and only mom. But she never made me feel like I was a broken record, thank goodness =)

worldcenter, you asked how I reached that point of support? For one thing, as I've said before, he did tell me and never denied the issues. But more importantly, it's because I have gotten to see WHO he wants to be. And because he works so hard! And progress has been made. Ladies, these men have issues with unconditional love. But it doesn't mean that they do not want to know give or to receive it. These men have issues with trust. They trusted someone at one time and took a huge, life changing blow because of it. But it doesn't mean that they do not want to know trust again. Not only did my b/f have this happen to him, but on top of that, he had no support or love at home either. These are all things at age 39 that he's learning how to do. He wants these things, but it certainly will not be overnight! Heck, we are on our 4th year together and there's still lots of work to be done. But again, I've seen 'HIM'. The man that doesn't want to live with these chains any longer. I can't help but support him in any way that I can. Is it easy? No! Have I wanted to throw in the towel. Yes! But again, I'm in it as long as he's fighting!

You ladies also mentioned the things that you, etc. When he is not triggered, what discussions do you all have regarding this? Does he want those things too? If he wants those things and you see him fighting...but has setbacks, which are going to happen, then keep up the fight! The love and gratitude is there...they just may not be able to express it...yet wink

#356880 - 03/17/11 03:04 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: aloved1]
sally123 Offline

Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 54
Aloved, thank you. Ironic we are all in same boat... thank you both for listening. Aloved, everything you say is so true!!!
We have talked about a future together, and he assures me that we are on the same page... he is also 39, and did not know love, but has the biggest heart that I get a chance to see...
I know that one day is is going to do it... selfishly I hope that I get to experience this with him...

thank you for positive insight, brings me hope smile

wishing a happiness

#356955 - 03/18/11 05:03 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: sally123]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
Keep on keeping on, ladies. It's worth it as long as it's right. If you ever decide it's not right, that's another issue, but if you want to stick it out and you are taking care of yourself, then stick it out. I don't regret standing beside him.

#356967 - 03/18/11 09:34 AM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: hopeandtry]
worldscentre Offline

Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
We have talked about children and marriage and he does want that, but wants to be able to have a healthy marriage and life. I want to fight but sometimes I dont hink he wants me in the fight with him. I have supported him for so long and put up with the crap thrown at me and he knows this, so he feels its not fair to ask me to wait while he deals with things. I want to wait but I'm afraid this may add to the pressure he is already dealing with. And as I said on another post I fear that he may decide to move forward with someone 'fresh', someone who hasnt been there through the bad times and therefore is not a reminder. But I must have faith that our connection is stronger than that.
So Sally, your feelings are not selfish, I have them too.

#356975 - 03/18/11 12:06 PM Re: Question to survivors about stress and distancing [Re: worldscentre]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
@worldscentre, this sounds very much like what I've been through. I have told my ex that he cannot change how I feel about him. However, giving them space helps take the pressure off, and living your life (i.e. doing your own thing...hobbies, hanging out with friends, etc) while still maintaining contact to some degree seems to be a good balance for me.

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