As many of you here know, I am married 13 years and dated my wife for 7years before we were married. I made us wait scared that no one could really love me.
Anyhow about a year ago my wife found that I was looking at Craigslists ads that were same sex want ads. (Embarrassing to even type). Luckily, I had never replied to the ads only looked comforted that there were others like me.
She was angry called me everyname in the book, looked at me and said, "How can I love you when your are thinking about having sex with another man".
I provided no answers; I told her I loved her, told her I did not want to lose her. Emotionally we seperated for about a month, then she took an action that I had not scene in her before (My wife is quite passive).
I had to get help immediately to find out just who I was. I had to respect her space as she needed time to think. The biggest rule was that I was to never use our home computers for porn again, (we have children), and it is disrespectful to her.
It was tough, not having her there for me during this time, sick that I would be alone without my children and wife; the porn was easy to leave behind, I knew what it would cost me, it was not worth it.
In many ways my wife, my friend saved my life. I saw a great T who helped me understand my abuse, and why I was so angry all the time, never satisfied with anything or anyone. He even explained the SSA and the control I wanted back, that was taken as a child.
Well one year past we are still getting better, my wife and I are closer then we have ever been. Does she still worry that she is not all I need?
That, I do not know and can not control.
All I can do is show her everyday that I am happy, with myself and with her.
I think she sees that I am handling stress at work better, and that I am more of a father now, then I was a year ago.
I am thankful for my wife, my kids, my spirituality and even my childhood. I have learned so much from my history and my life is getting better, and I need to thank MaleSurvivor and all my friends here also.
As many of you know I do not share my CSA with my hometown friends and family. I guess, I look at it as just an event in my history. Not the title or even a chapter of a book that is my life.
Leanne, I do not know if you will even see this note, but know that you are my book. You and the kids are my Book and Story, and our great life and times together upstage, and are more important then any tragity in my life.
Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.