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#35381 - 04/05/05 11:43 AM Im so Tired!
bilbo Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/05/05
Posts: 1
Hi, Im new. I just found this site and I think I am very glad...
I am supposed to start a new job in the morning, but I just can not sleep. So I took a shower and tried to relax. But all that happend was I got angry. All I could think about was my SA. It happend when I was 5 years old, Im almost 32 now. I have told some people, including my wife and mom. I even did some therapy about 8 years ago, but I think i did that more for a girl I was living with than myself, she was raped before I met her and that brought out my SA and she seeked therapy so i did too. It helped but I didnt stay long.

These days I am pretty ok, but sometimes I feel like I am on the verge of tears a lot. I can feel my whole body shake. I get these kinda tremors at the smallest things, a sad movie, a meaningful moment in life. But I do what i have always done, push back harder, push it down deep. But now that Im older and have a son that is the age I was I really think that I cant hide from this anymore.

Sometimes I get so angry, not really at anything, just angry... I love my wife and son very deeply, but sometimes I feel like Im not giving them what they need from me, cause I dont have it to give.

Tonight as I was sitting in the shower, I decided to look up laws concerning SA and the state and time in which it occured, that is what led me here. I am glad I found this site, I found myself crying as I read some of the posts. I was very angry when I first started looking. I found that the statute of limitations in the state are only good for 1 year after you turn 18, which led me to all kinds of terrible plans involving the perv and me going to jail for what I would like to do to him. But I am feeling better now after reading and posting.

Well thank you just for being here, Im sorry its kinda jumbly but its 2:30 am and I really should be sleeping, but Im not. And I really dont know if I will be able to or not. I know that tomorrow is gonna suck with no sleep, but I have to do it anyway. Thanks again and I hope to follow this up with more...

#35382 - 04/05/05 12:05 PM Re: Im so Tired!
Peaceful Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/02/05
Posts: 23
Good luck with the new job tomorrow. Hope it goes well. Maybe its time to usher in new changes to your interior life along with the new job.

I can imagine that your responses to your SA are harder to ignore now that your son is the same age when your SA happened.

Causes me to realize that my own dau is about the same age that I was,15. Makes me really shutter to think of something similar happening to her.

I actually told her tonight about my SA and how I was seeking therapy now because of it because it did affect me. (Also encouraged her to stand up for herself and not allow other people to violate her boundaries and to trust her intuition about others-forget being timid and just taking it.)

I wish you courage as you embark on further healing for the little 5 year old boy hurting inside of you. Embrace the tears. They can be very cleansing.


#35383 - 04/05/05 11:16 PM Re: Im so Tired!
Dan01 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/21/02
Posts: 18
Loc: S. California
bilbo, I'm glad u found this place. I know it is always better to share our struggles with someone instead of bearing the burden on our own. Hope you have a great day at work and I pray that things will get better for. I have been struggling with the after affects of being abused by my stepfather from age 4-12. I am 36 now,My wife is very supportive. I have three kids whom I love dearly, an 11 yr old boy, a 7 yr old boy and a 2yr old daughter. They are the reason I keep fighting, Sometimes im ok and sometimes I get so tired of the pain and struggle. I hope you will be able to share with your wife, only u know her personality and how to aproach her. I beilieve you could start out by telling her you love her and you want to get help so you can be a better husband, father, ect.
Best wishes, Dan

#35384 - 04/06/05 01:41 AM Re: Im so Tired!
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I'm glad you found this place, too. It's been a huge outlet for me. I hope you find the same.

I was also SA when I was little, went through the therapy for a long time, quit, and now I'm back. I've found that therapy only works with the outside support of others like at this MS site. This time around I have this site, a very close friend who's gone through the same stuff, a therapist who cares--it makes all the difference in the world. And really it's when we stop locking up all these emotions that we start to feel human. I get teary-eyed almost every day, but it feels good to know I don't have to live this secret anymore. When I'm feeling my emotions, I'm more able to give them, too.

I wish you the best on your journey. Thanks also for the statute of limitations info. I've been wondering about that myself. Not that I could do anything about it. My memories are not exactly crystal clear. I'd be attorney food. I understand your frustration in that regard, too.

I hope your job went well. I hate new jobs.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17


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