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#353448 - 02/12/11 12:00 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: Friend2help]
worldscentre Offline

Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Friend2help, I feel your frustration. I often wonder if this awful thing hadn't happened to him would we be in this situation, would we be the happy loving couple we were until now? And I believe we would be.

My anger at the person who did this to him is not only due to the effect on my bf but for taking away my happy relationship. And for feeling that the guilt eats me up because I know I'm not the victim but maybe I'm the victim of the lasting effects. But I truly feel that if we come through this it's a relationship that we'll cherish and respect.

#353507 - 02/13/11 12:27 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
SunnyGirl Offline

Registered: 07/14/10
Posts: 79
You are a victim here. All of us who are supporters are secondary victims. Don't feel ashamed that you are impacted. That is why it is so important that we get help for ourselves -- here and through professional therapists. I cannot speak for others, but I often feel that same anger that someone stole my happiness from me when he did this to my ex long before I ever met him. My ex has admitted to me that if it were not for the CSA, we would not have broken up. I am not angry with him that he is not ready to face his past. I cannot ask him to do something he is not ready to do. He has to face this in his own time. That is the importance of backing off -- we need to support these men we love and if they need space, we need to abide.

Issues like CSA are centered on control. Trying to tell them what to do and when is merely taking control from them again, as happened during the abuse. As women, we often behave like care-givers. We want to fix the problems in our man's life, but we need to realize we cannot do the hard work for them. They have to do it themselves. It's hard to accept, but backing off and giving them space is the right thing to do. To constantly remind them "we're here for them, we get it, we love them, we understand and want to help, but they need to go to therapy and talk about it," is basically stripping them of their armor. They have coped all these years by numbing and hiding the pain behind a wall that shields their emotions. Trying to have these conversations with them when they are not ready leaves them defenseless, bare and exposed without anything to shield the pain they have been hiding for years. The only defense they have left is to run. There is no negotiating with them about when they should face their pasts. Rather than traumatizing them by pushing them to do something they cannot do yet, we need to give them space so they can decide on their own that they are ready. It's hard to deal with the push and pull dynamic we often feel with survivors, but ultimately, giving him that space may be what shows him you do love him -- you're giving him what he needs.


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

#353603 - 02/14/11 08:27 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: SunnyGirl]
worldscentre Offline

Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Maybe my bf could feel my anger at what happened and the effect on us and couldn't deal with that extra pressure, and that may be one of the reasons he needed space.
I just pray he finds peace and we both find each other again.

#354581 - 02/23/11 07:48 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
Logan Offline

Registered: 04/05/03
Posts: 1368
Loc: NY
I just want to say that I find that your understanding of our situations very encouraging.

I am a male CSA survivor and would like to one day have a long term relationship with a Woman and hopefully get married and start a family together with her.

I just wanted to share that with all of you and say thank you for sticking it out and being compassionate to us and your BF's or SO's for the plight that we find our selfs.


PS I hope that I will be able to find a Girl that will be as respectful and as understanding as all of you have been so far!

Edited by Logan (02/23/11 07:50 PM)
"Terrible thing to live in Fear"-Shawshank Redemption
WOR Alumnus Hope Springs 2009
"Quite a thing to live in fear, this is what is means to be a slave"
-Blade Runner

#354603 - 02/24/11 01:24 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: Logan]
TwoStep Offline

Registered: 01/03/11
Posts: 31
SunnyGirl, thank you for that reminder. Well said.

Edited by TwoStep (02/24/11 01:25 AM)

#354609 - 02/24/11 02:14 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: TwoStep]
timetoheal Offline

Registered: 02/13/11
Posts: 27
Loc: USA
So sweet and needed to hear Logan, thank you.
TTH smile

#354656 - 02/24/11 11:14 AM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: timetoheal]
worldscentre Offline

Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
Thanks for your comments and for taking time to read the thread. Its good to hear a positive response. Sometimes I feel I cant explain my fears to my bf because he has enough to deal with himself (and we are apart at the moment), so this is a good outlet for me.

#354676 - 02/24/11 04:00 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Logan I hope you meet someone sweet and who will be understanding
and caring. We all need that. And to the SO and Spouces I know it is hard but hang in there. We need you too.

Love and Peace Michael Joseph

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#355092 - 02/28/11 03:50 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: michael Joseph]
worldscentre Offline

Registered: 02/09/11
Posts: 36
Loc: Ireland
I spoke with my bf (still cant bring myself to say ex) about his progress and T. I was told that the T said people come into our lives for many reasons and maybe that why I came into my bf's life, to make him address properly what happened to him. I am glad he is addressing these issues but is that all I am/was? A catalyist? So my duty is done and now I should gracefully bow out? I put all my love and understanding into the relationship for him but also for me, so is this where it ends?

#355138 - 02/28/11 11:32 PM Re: Any thoughts? [Re: worldscentre]
Julia Offline

Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 76
Once again, this is where patience is needed. I don't mean to make light of what your going through.... been there and I really do understand. It took me a long time but I am comfortable calling my exboyfriend an, "ex".

He couldn't have given you a healthy relationship without being healthy himself. When he gets in a better place it will benefit the both of you. The fact that he is in therapy (in my opinion) shows how serious he is about being healthy and happy.

My survivor friend and I have been on quite the journey. And I too believe that people enter our lives with lessons to learn and to teach. It is ironic that the man who claims to have trouble loving and receiving love has taught me more about love than anyone else I have ever known. That has been his gift to me.

I stopped worrying so much about his issues and looked at my own insecurities. And in doing that, he comes back around. He has been a part of my life for over 26 years.

If it is true that a wise man can learn from a fools mistakes than perhaps a woman can do the same and learn from mine. Take care of yourself. Let go of expecting what you may think is the perfect outcome. If he continues getting help, he will become more confident and healthy and make healthier choices. He will see how supportive and loving you have been. But only if you are. Continue to live, work, play. Focus on being your most healthy. And when he is out of his dark place he will seek you out.

Good luck.
Love, Julia.

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