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#352699 - 02/03/11 12:14 PM Kicking a porn addiction
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
I was wondering if anyone has had success kicking my drug of choice for depression. It had kept me alive but it is time for it to be in my past. All help and suggestions gratefully received Thanks Mike


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#352708 - 02/03/11 04:00 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: mike13]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
hey Mike,

Sex Addicts Anonymous (www.saa-recovery.org) saved my life and helped me clean up this area-I wouldn't have a healthy marriage or know what healthy intimacy was like without SAA.

There were a lot of false solutions I chased in my life, and fake sex became a huge issue that robbed me of a chance to experience real sexual intimacy and love.

I needed support from others who had the same things going on I did, and who had a program they were working to change their lives. I couldn't kick it alone.

Jamie

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#352709 - 02/03/11 06:12 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Mountainous Buck]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks for the tip Jamie I will give them a try. Mike


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#352977 - 02/07/11 10:47 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: mike13]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Mike:
I went thru a 12-step program also -- it really helped me - I have sober off of porn and sex outside of marriage for 18 months (as of today).


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#352985 - 02/07/11 12:31 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Sobernow]
redsox046 Offline


Registered: 09/06/10
Posts: 56
Loc: BOSTON
I was addicted to porn and masturbation for 8 years and i've successfully kicked it. Finding things to occupy yourself and keeping track of every single day in a row that you don't give in are things that might help. Congratulate yourself for every milestone...1 week...1 month etc.... Having something (positive) or someone there you can turn to when you feel really depressed and have the desire to relapse is very important. For me exercise and inspirational rock music were my anti-porn when times got tough and really wanted to give in. Kicking the addiction is an important step in recovery from csa because addiction makes you numb to feeling and as they say "feeling is healing". I feel emotion a lot more now then i did when i still was addicted and my self-esteem is much higher as well. You can do it, there is hope...YOU GOT THIS!!! "No retreat, No surrender!!!"
God Bless Brother,
Nick


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#353089 - 02/08/11 10:35 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: redsox046]
jurek Offline


Registered: 08/23/10
Posts: 130
Loc: New Hampshire
Mike,

Thanks for asking for help on an issue that is both tough to deal with and tough to admit that you struggle with. I have been struggling for years with a porn habit. One thing that has helped weaken the grip of porn on me lately and hopefully permanently, is my new understanding of why I have found it so compelling in the first place. What I was seeking in frantically, compulsively, guiltily consuming porn (and it is kind of like gorging on junk food - the junk food of sexual intimacy) was CONTROL. This time, and this time and THIS time I get to be in control, I get to feel pleasure or even ecstasy (in it's original meaning of transcendence of self, literally it means "standing outside of" ). And thus I don't have to always feel like a victim. But what I was really doing was making the wound worse, digging the barbed arrow of trauma even deeper into my flesh. Constantly seeing the scene of my and my brothers' abuse played out before my eyes was not relieving the stress but amplifying it. Hence the need for more and more and more in the age old cycle of addiction, habituation and greater addiction. Recognizing this makes me feel more in control of what I do when I am alone, less tempted and more able to walk away from temptation.

My two cents worth... keep us posted on your progress.

George



Edited by jurek (02/08/11 10:39 AM)
Edit Reason: typo
_________________________
-jurek

Jurek ogorek, kielbasa i sznurek, kielbasa uciekla, Jurek do piekla!


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#353090 - 02/08/11 11:04 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: jurek]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks for all the love and support and congrats to all the victories. The last day I viewed porn was the day before I joined MS. I have made it one week and am feeling stronger each and every day. When I feel myself start to slip I just log on to chat and before I know it I am strong again. It is just soooo wonderful having so many people pulling for you. One person does not have to be strong each and everyday, me just take turns. I just want to thank all my Brothers and a few sisters, you know who you are, for all your love and support. I now know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I will kick this thing once and for all. Thanks Everyone Mike


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#354300 - 02/21/11 02:50 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: mike13]
JAnderson Offline


Registered: 02/21/11
Posts: 2
http://quitporn.net is a good resource.


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#354313 - 02/21/11 10:13 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: JAnderson]
Emmitt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 19
Mike-

Thanks for bringing up this topic. I believe it's a struggle many of us have. I have recently started to see the people in porn as victims, just like us. They are in a sexual situation they may not want to be in, but have not choice. I realize some are there because they want to be, but it's an industry that utilizes victimization so the question I have is...If we support porn, are we supporting the victimization of others? And since we are all victims as well, should we be more empathetic.

Robert Jensen has done a fair amount of writing on this topic.

Again, thanks for bringing this up Mike.

J




Edited by Emmitt (02/21/11 10:29 AM)

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#354314 - 02/21/11 10:15 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: mike13]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Mike: my story: csa by older neighbor boys when i was 5-6yo. collecting pics when i was about 11yo - porn when i was 14yo -- hardcore porn later - internet. Now I am 52yo.
Been sober from porn / mb for 18 months.

Went thru the 12-steps........

I tried everything else without any success....


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#354318 - 02/21/11 10:34 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Sobernow]
Emmitt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/11
Posts: 19
My question to anyone who has gone through a 12-step is how does that work? With drugs or alcohol, success is measured in days free from your dependency. With a sex addition, are you expected to be celibate? If so, is that a realistic goal? Thanks.

J


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#354324 - 02/21/11 12:34 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Emmitt]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
In SAA (www.saa-recovery.org) there is an exercise called "Three Circles" where you define:

a) the specific behaviors that YOU want to abstain from, (Inner Circle) (mine are M'bation, porn, seeking sex outside my relationship)

b) the behaviors that are in the "gray" area (Middle Circle)
(my middle circles are any kind of isolating or zoning out with food, tv, and avoiding exercise, connection, and recovery activities) and

c) the healthy, affirming behaviors you want in your life. (Outer Circle) (my Outer Circles are communication, knowing my feelings, exercise, working the Steps,

Getting 100% HONEST about these specific behaviors helps reduce the shame and power they have, particularly in a group setting like SAA meetings where other men have similar issues.

I found a period of abstinence (40 days) key to this process as well: it helped me stop the chaos while reviewing honestly my history of addiction and abuse, the faulty attitudes, broken relationships, etc. that fueled my sexual compulsions, and discovering what was beneath all that escapism and frustration. I read lots of books in this period, and started to connect with a deeper, sustaining sexuality that I still possess to this day.

It is just too abusive for me to go back, no matter how powerful those old solutions may appear in the moment. I am a stronger, better man for working thru this.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#354350 - 02/21/11 03:07 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Mountainous Buck]
oldguy Offline


Registered: 06/09/10
Posts: 61
Loc: st louis, MO
MB, thanks for your explanation of the 3 circles exercise. It sounds logical and helpful. I'll give it a try. Thanx, Oldguy


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#354352 - 02/21/11 03:27 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Emmitt]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
for me - my 12-step boundary was

NO porn
No masturbation
NO sex outside of marriage - including emotional affairs
Progressive victory over lust


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#354383 - 02/21/11 07:31 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Sobernow]
mike13 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/02/11
Posts: 419
Loc: California USA
Thanks for all the wonderful encouragement. I am 21 days as of today. Half way to the 40. My first week was easy the last two have been alot tougher but I am still staying strong, thanks to everyone here. I am looking forward to being free of the inner circle once and for all. If anyone is interested to know my low point before I started just read "Blood on my hands" It is a poem I wrote about my low point. SAA recommended that I document the low point so I could measure my progress. I admit I am having a harder and harder time reading it but it is a very good motivational tool. One weak minute and I could be right back there Yuck Mike


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#354402 - 02/21/11 11:08 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: mike13]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 829
Loc: Ohio
I am finally finding some traction on this. I have been compulsively mb 3-4 times a day since I can remember, probably about 5 or 6, I am now 43. It has been through a long period of treatment for PTSD. As I gained coping mechanisms, I was able to identify harmful mechanisms and drop them. I dropped alcohol from September 1, 2010. I have been sober from porn with minor relapses for about 2 months.

A major breakthrough for me was when I realized that what I was really trying to do was normalize, to make ok, what was done to me and my reactions. I had already come to realize that what happened to me was the actions of a depraved, evil SOB that should have been strung up for what he did. His actions were evil, pure and simple. My own reactions were not those of a sick little pervert, but normal reactions of a wounded little boy trying desperately to survive and cope with evil. Nothing more, nothing less. No amount of porn and stories can change that.

Having made my peace, I now rarely MB (I joke with my wife that I broke up with Rosy grin), I have gone on long stretches of no porn and I am stretching them even longer. I did go through a period of abstaining while I healed. The result is that I am actually present when making love to my wife. We actually do it more and my wife is more natural and present with me. I am happy for you Mike13. It is truly amazing to me because I never thought this level of healing was even possible much less realistic.



Edited by catfish86 (02/21/11 11:10 PM)
_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#354431 - 02/22/11 03:21 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: catfish86]
jurek Offline


Registered: 08/23/10
Posts: 130
Loc: New Hampshire
Quote:
A major breakthrough for me was when I realized that what I was really trying to do was normalize, to make ok, what was done to me and my reactions.


I'll second that one catfish. Once I realized that by compulsive mb-ing to porn I was incessantly repeating the trauma in a desperate attempt to take control of it and make it all turn out ok, it just kind of lost it's grip on me. After a few months of the addiction seriously intensifying, it has now been at least a couple of weeks, since I came to that realization, and I am finally feeling like I've left it behind. I've been porn-free since then. I know relapses are always a danger, but I now feel like I have some tools with which to fight the temptation and get back to relating to real people.

You go, Mike!

George

_________________________
-jurek

Jurek ogorek, kielbasa i sznurek, kielbasa uciekla, Jurek do piekla!


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#354463 - 02/22/11 12:07 PM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: jurek]
catfish86 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/09
Posts: 829
Loc: Ohio
If you think about most porn, they are making it seem fun to be abused and that there is nothing wrong with it. I am done with that...it wasn't fun it was horrifying.

_________________________
God grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.

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#354537 - 02/23/11 12:13 AM Re: Kicking a porn addiction [Re: Sobernow]
SanDiego Offline


Registered: 02/22/11
Posts: 1
Mike, Thanks for bringing up this topic. The discussion/insights are very helpful.
SD


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