I've spent this past week reflecting on my first choice to let go of seeking affirmation and validation through sex a week ago.
Here's what I learned so far:
1. when I act out sexually (seeking validation through sex), I am abusing myself. I never understood this until now. I kind of still don't. But ever since I made this decision, and am still going through my daily life, encountering cruising pick ups and opportunities to act out, I'm now seeing how my behavior reinforces a belief that I have, that I know is an irrational belief, and I'm aware of it, but I'm unable to change.
Changing the behavior is working to unlock the irrational belief I'm unable to change! I don't know why - it just appears to be working this way.
2. There's another world of interaction that I'm not yet aware of. I'm starting to notice whisps of a new reality. How do I describe this?
Well, there's this person who is VERY attractive, and they know it, who was flaunting their stuff in front of me, goading me, inviting me to play with them. I declined.
I saw this person again out and about town, at a taco restaurant. And I found myself feeling GOOD about myself and smiling at him. that's never happened before. It's like I am on a level of interraction with people that I had not quite experienced before. I wish I had better words to describe.
3. I'm looking forward to letting go of my next maladaptive coping mechanism - using alchohol to fall asleep / numb loneliness at night. I don't quite know how I'm going to do this (get help?). I've done AA two times, and had 2+ years of sobriety each time, but HATED the experience. I shall seek help in other avenues if I feel like I need the help.
So what I'm learning is - I can make choices to behave differently in spite of my feelings or my beliefs - and I'm already noticing in just one week, NEW POSSIBILITIES.
I simply had to share. I'm sometimes overwhelmed with my own sad story and history. I'm also sometimes overwhelmed by all the trauma and despair that is written out here on MS on a daily basis. I think it is important that I share the positives of recovery. I hope more people do the same.
Your brother in Spirit,
Edited by tdillon (01/24/11 11:07 PM)