Newest Members
chairdesklamp, Bill Ohio USA, jez, Long Way Home, Bcbornleo
13595 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Andrew (67), andrew-almost52 (67), andrew51 (67), James35 (51), jmr2191 (27), Ower (53), steve-o (61), TOM2 (36)
Who's Online
6 registered (chairdesklamp, manipulated, Noah Barrett, 3 invisible), 35 Guests and 1 Spider online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,595 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,704 Topics
493,790 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#35137 - 01/09/06 09:05 AM forgiveness
yolester Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/17/05
Posts: 11
Loc: troy ny
does anyone out there ever have mixed feelings toward his perpetrator??? there were multiple abusers in my case at various stages of life, but the event early in life that made me into walking rape invitation was what my dad did to me when i was about 4 years old.i hated him for many years and had fantasies of violent revenge. then one day he came to apologize. with tears in his sad eyes and a plantive voice he owned up io what he did, ackowledged the damage and asked me how or if he could put things right. since that day he has been tremendously helpful in my achieving higher education as well as making sincere amends in many ways. its a strange thing but if you forget th fact that he was a child rapist and pervert who devestated his kids life you would really like him. he happens to be highly intelligent and can be very stimulating to talk to, which i do frequently. still, i live with the aftermath of what he did to me so many years ago.paranoid distrut of others and waking up screaming!!!!! oh, those horrific rape nightmares!!!! i just dont know how to reconcile the repentant person he has become with the piece of him that will live deep inside me forever. whats to do?????


#35138 - 01/09/06 09:14 AM Re: forgiveness
johnsurvived Offline

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Yes; my abuser was also my older brother. Very mixed feelings about him, to say the least. So mixed I'd rather not even think about it most days.

As for what to do, I cannot advise you one way or the other. I know that the prevailing wisdom is that forgiveness is necessarily for the survivor to choose or not; it must not be thrust upon him through, for instance, an apology he may not be ready to hear and process, coupled with financial and other forms of support. Sounds almost like bribery, in a way. I have no idea whether I will ever understand why I'm supposed to forgive my brother -- I certainly feel very far from that today. This is definiteley one for you and your T to work on.


Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

#35139 - 01/09/06 07:02 PM Re: forgiveness
Morning Star Offline

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
sexual abuse is either a learnt behaviour from abuse or a mistaken act, so may be they also had an history of abuse, which they couldn't stop acting out.
no child is born abuser.

~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

#35140 - 01/09/06 09:09 PM Re: forgiveness
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
Well, this may be a slightly different take, but my abusive older brother always seemed to hate me. With him abusing me all those years thatís very confusing to me. What he did was not out of love and caused me great pain, and still does.

In a strange way, what I want is for him to like me even though I have great feelings of anger and hurt towards him.

#35141 - 01/10/06 09:54 PM Re: forgiveness
Dewey Offline

Registered: 11/13/02
Posts: 140
Loc: the sunshine state
For me forgivness was an important part of my journey. It still is. It's something I have to choose to do all the time. If I can forgive you if you cut me off in traffic it keeps my blood pressure down. I forgive you more for me than for you, but I do honestly fogive you. I think I might downplay my abuse though. I wasn't raped, maybe I was. He stuck his penis in my butt when I was there. It hurt and I said "take it out, take it out". He was so nice to take it out wasn't he? Most of my woundedness comes from what I call molestation, that for the most part felt really good to me physically.I have major mixed feelings about my perpetrator, yes I do!Dan

I refuse to use my past as an excuse to not have a future.
My hero Dad; Trigger warning-

#35142 - 01/11/06 12:52 AM Re: forgiveness
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

What's to do indeed!!!! From what you say, the new relationship you have with your father is important to you and has helped you in many ways. So it looks like something you will want to maintain and nurture and encourage.

But forgiving your father doesn't mean you can no longer feel anger and resentment for what he did to you. Certainly, if you have not already done so, you should make clear to him just how horrifically his deeds affected you then and continue to affect you now. He needs to know he set you up for further abuse and he needs to hear that the pain of the memories don't fade and the nightmares don't stop just because years have passed. If he is genuinely sorry and repentent he will want to take responsibility here.

At the end of the day, though, I hope you will decide based on what is best for you. YOU, after all, are the one trying to recover from what HE did.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.