I find myself in the current day - not the past - telling my truth with some anxiety. The anxiety is because I am truly "coming out" as a straight man which is a change. I did come out as a gay man 20 years ago and have maintained that identity here at MS until recently. I feel a need to express the truth to you all my dear brothers who have watched and supported my journey.
I thank the young men here for being open and discussing their truths as I am NOW in a "place" where I am listening to you and my own being. I thank the many men who have been here with me as we have discussed issues such as father hunger, being married, having children, male intimacy, spirituality, being little boys-inner child, etc.
I have been "apart" of some challenging times here especially when I was writing here under the name of DJsport.
I have been forcing myself to be apart of a life I thought I had NO choice in. I am being methodical as I approach "MY" truth.
I do see women as being attractive. I remember as a teen being with a couple of girls romantically. I married a wonderful woman whom I had children with. Intimately,
Why now you might be asking? After 3.5 years of recovery/therapy, I no longer am "searching for validation of my sexuality from men. I was NOT able to "decipher" my triggers 20 years ago as I was so fearful.
I have looked at several issues in hindsight back 20 years ago. Thanks to a wonderful brother here - 2 nights ago I was able to clearly state to him the following.
1. I ran from intimacy with Rhonda - my ex-wife.
2. I ran from the hurting boy inside me who could see myself in my kids. This is HUGE to recognize.
3. I ran from "screaming" woman who was Rhonda in body (she had reason to question my desires - I don't blame Rhonda) but more importantly the screaming woman was my mother who told me as I came out to her - I never liked Rhonda.
4. I ran into sexual assaults. I both loathed myself and wanted others to assault the loathsome me. I have "given" men the power to determine my sexuality.
This is my truth - NOT pointing the fingers at anyone or any issue.
Donnie aka DJ
Edited by Avery46 (12/14/10 12:40 PM)