When I started recovery in 2004, the first thing I said to my first T was, "I wasn't abused but I have symptoms of someone that was." It took me a long time to come to terms with the possibility that I *was* abused but don't remember it.
I then narrowed down the time frame of when it must have happened (5 to 7 y/o), and then determined a suspect, but still no memory.
When I became aware of MS in 2004/2005, and I was reading the survivor stories and introductions, I felt inadequate to be here because I felt like less of a survivor because I lacked a story to go along with my pain. Then I read a post where someone said that there was "no hierarchy of abuse," that one person's abuse wasn't "worse" than another's. Something in that clicked for me, and I took my lack of memory as my badge of honor.
So when I registered, I chose as my screen name, cant_remember. And now that's who I am here.
But he grew old, this knight so bold / And upon his heart a shadow / Fell as he found / No spot on the ground / That looked like El Dorado.