I strive to be happy, but in reality, I am numb and go through the motions of life rather than living a life of fulfillment.
When did I become a robot?
This sounds like most of my adult life. In my case I became a robot and lowered my expectations because I had "forgotten" about CSA. This created boxes in my mind labeled: NEVER LOOK IN HERE!
To keep this up I had to numb emotions, especially dealing with sex and intimacy. Otherwise I might trigger those memories.
So I did my job, I coped, but I was barely living emotionally.
Life was shrinking, getting smaller.
Things have got a lot better since I recovered my memories, but old habits die hard.
I imagine that even for guys who never forget the abuse something similar happens. You push it away, you don't feel.
But there are consequences.
I hope this doesn't sound too depressing. The good news is that even us robots can reprogram ourselves to feel again, but first we have to open those boxes.
Luckily, we may find that as adults we can now handle some of stuff we hid away as kids.
At least that is my take on robots.