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#349760 - 01/04/11 01:44 PM On Forgiving My Abuser
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
Loc: California
Forgiveness for abusers is apparently a touchy subject.

In my life courtroom, it is time to remove myself from the witness stand. I have openly discussed the “V” stamped across my forehead. I have rehashed the events, I have clearly identified who it was and why he was inclined to do what he did. I recognize that it was in no way my fault and that I have no reason to carry the shame and guilt I have carried. I have mustered my courage, faced my fears, and dealt with the outlandish coping mechanisms I have adopted to survive. I have established the predator, the crime, the motive, and the evidence. I have exhausted the subject. It is time for the jury to deliberate.

But in this courtroom, there is only one person. I must leave the witness stand to become a juror. Therapy got me there. “We, the jury, find the abuser guilty of these monstrous actions.”

Now what? I cannot leap from “victim” to “judge” and pass sentence, because the next leap would be to become an executioner. Now we’re getting into crazed thoughts and unlawfulness. There has to be a change in thought to take on a change of role.

So I’m stuck in the jurors’ box. If I mistake anger and hatred for power, it means placing the “V” back on my forehead and returning to the witness stand. “V.” “Victim.” “V-I-C-T-I-M.” I’m tired of that status. It’s a ditch I already crawled out of. Life is ticking away and I desperately want to live fully in each moment.

As much as I have hated my abuser all these years, it has not caused him the loss of one night’s sleep. Yet, I suffer a number of chronic disorders because of my rage. My grudge has not troubled him in the slightest. Could the same be true of forgiveness? If I forgave him, who would benefit? I know there will be reminders along the way that will trigger my anger toward my abuser, and I know from experience that simmering and wallowing only immobilizes me for days at a time. What would happen if I forgave my abuser each time my anger toward him was triggered?

The act of forgiving my abuser would identify me as the judge. The judge is the ultimate power in this courtroom. The judge has the power. I have the power. Forgiving would make me powerful. Forgiving would make me stronger, healthier, happier.

Forgiveness would sever my last tie to my abuser and banish him from my thoughts. Peace of mind could at last become an attainable goal. Even if it is moment to moment, a path of forgiveness sounds rather peaceful. And a lot of good things and good people are waiting for me down that path. It is time for me to go, and I hope to see you there.







Edited by WriterKeith (01/04/11 04:07 PM)
_________________________
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

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#349798 - 01/05/11 02:31 AM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: WriterKeith]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
I'm proud of you brother ...

Perhaps one day i can do the same, but i just can't right now...

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#349802 - 01/05/11 04:23 AM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: Darkheart]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
Loc: California
Thanks, it's not a popular choice I've made, but it is the best for my healing my personal situation. There's no one solution that works for everyone.

_________________________
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

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#349803 - 01/05/11 04:47 AM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: WriterKeith]
Darkheart Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 331
Loc: Illinois
Yes, not popular with many...I've forgiven my family ...it's my rapists as well as myself that i have trouble forgiving ...slow steps smile

_________________________
My Story...

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...8711#Post348711

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#349816 - 01/05/11 12:50 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: Darkheart]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
An OLD post of mine that I stand by even on the worst days:

I do not intend this as material for debate. I do not post this in a "you should too" mode. I have posted SO much here about my un-willingness to forgive the perps and to forgive the town and to forgive humanity, that I feel I ought to post my new view on it. I also want you all to know my heart just lost a 40lb weight as well.

Many of you know my story and know that I have progressed from wanting revenge to refusing to forgive them. I eventually realized that revenge, by my hands, is me telling God I don't trust he'll do an adequate job at dealing with them. Non-forgiveness takes a similar position. In addition, it is me telling Jesus that I am more deserving of forgiveness than they are. Furthermore, if Jesus will forgive them upon their request, who am I to not forgive.

I learned today that I do not truly forgive them if I don’t wish them well...that if I wish devastation and pain upon them, I have not truly forgiven. I agree. So I also wish them well.

So here it is:

Dean
John
Jeffrey
Mark

I forgive you for what you did to me. I need to seek no explanations, no justifications, no spin. I forgive you and wish you well.To my little home town:

You seem to be actively in the same mode that you were in when I was being hurt. I hope and pray that you change for the better. I know there are other children in the same position I was in. I hope and pray you will become an aid to them...a rescuer. You are what you are. You were what you were. I forgive you and wish you well.

Thank you Lord for thrusting me into this new view and willing forgiveness.


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#349823 - 01/05/11 01:17 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: Still]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 912
Loc: Kc,Mo
you are well on your way
congrats !!

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were
WRITTEN FORM
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=339159#Post339159
Why i hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

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#349825 - 01/05/11 01:28 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: nltsaved]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
Sorry Keith,

I did not intend to high-jack your thread.


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#349839 - 01/05/11 03:40 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: Still]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
Loc: California
lol, not to worry. These are all "OUR" threads, RB. ;-)



Edited by WriterKeith (01/06/11 11:21 AM)
_________________________
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

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#349911 - 01/06/11 11:30 AM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: WriterKeith]
WalkTheWalk Offline


Registered: 03/06/10
Posts: 57
Loc: Wisconsin
Last March, may Dad (prep) died and the event trudged up some old feelings. I wrote this letter to him and posted it on MS at the time. I thought it might be worth repeating, since you are now contemplating forgiveness to your perp.

Dad,

I'll not give you my tears, for I have no more tears to shed for you. My tears were shed when I realized my innocence was gone and you would not own the truth of your actions.

I'll not be angry, for anger is my poison and I want to live. I will not hurt myself because of you, nor will I hurt anyone else because of you. I will not pass on the lessons that you taught me to my children or my neighbors children.

I am your rebellious son. I dare to seek the truth and face the darkness in bold defiance. I will not keep your secret, nor will I empower you or your memory. I will cherish my sons and my daughters and raise them up boldly and protect their innocence.

I am your rebellious son. I want to live happy and fulfilled. I will not embrace sadness, anger or fear and I will live my life without regret.

I will live with peace through forgiveness. Forgiveness is the final sacrifice that I will give you. Forgiving you does not let you off the hook, but I choose a life of forgiveness and inner peace over one of contempt.

I am your rebellious son. I will fight until my last breath to rise above my circumstance and I will not be afraid.

_________________________
- The pain of our past can have influence in molding a better person than we might have been otherwise.

- Sometimes boys with a thousand nightmares become men with a million blessings.

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#349933 - 01/06/11 04:36 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: WalkTheWalk]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
WTW: Wow!


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#350503 - 01/12/11 04:03 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: WalkTheWalk]
WriterKeith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/30/10
Posts: 980
Loc: California
A perfect and powerful letter. You are strong and free.

_________________________
I have taken to the stand-up comedy stage to educate other male survivors and those who try to love them. I blog about my isolated religious upbringing where physical and sexual abuse were commonplace and I serve as a facilitator of a weekly support group for men who have suffered sexual assault.

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#493698 - 01/08/16 07:35 PM Re: On Forgiving My Abuser [Re: WriterKeith]
victor-victim Offline


Registered: 09/27/03
Posts: 6287
Loc: 𝒪 𝒦anada
Forgiveness is the wind blown bud which blooms in placid beauty at Verdun.

Forgiveness is the tiny slate gray sparrow which has built it's nest of twigs and string among the shards of glass upon the wall of shame.

Forgiveness is the child who laughs in merry ecstasy beneath the toothed fence that closes in DaNang.

Forgiveness is the fragrance of the violet which still clings fast to the heel that crushed it.

Forgiveness is the broken dream which hides itself within the corner of the mind called forgetfulness, so that it will not bring pain to the dreamer.

Forgiveness is the reed which stands up straight and green, when nature's mighty rampage halts, full spent.

Forgiveness is a God, who will not leave us after all we've done.


George Roemisch


______________________________________

healing through forgiveness ...
http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthr...2551#Post432551
_________________________
Victor|Victim

War
Love
Poetry

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