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#347824 - 12/11/10 03:34 PM Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
earlybird started a conversation with me in a PM that caused me to write some things out as a reference point in responding to him. These were a bit off topic from what he was talking about. I confess to having a very cloudy head these days when writing here. It seems to be a struggle to even put a few sentences together for others to make sense of here.

When I was in the first hospital I was in different groups. There were the general catch all groups of abuse/assaulted and those with their own emotional health issues. That was good for we all wrestled with similar issues. Then there were the ones where sexually abused or assaulted. I became good friends with a nineteen year old guy who was CSA. But I was not in his group for we were divided by child vs. adult abuse. I was in a group with adult women.

I recall one woman being upset because she felt like she was in opposition to the others. She and I also became tight in the hospital along with one othe female who came in later. She was CSA. But the first woman expressed her concerns because the other ladies talked of how sexually repressed they had become but she talked of how sexually active she had been.

I was not a virgin when I was assaulted. I became sexually active at the age of nineteen. At the time of my assault I was dating though I do not know to this day how serious it really was. I had dated openly and honestly for the first time since I came out a few months earlier as being a man who happens to be gay.

After the assault I went numb and could not handle being sexual with anyone. But later things changed for me. I went in the opposite direction for some reason and I found my identity in relating to othe men based on sex alone. I could not relate to them any other way so the only way I felt I could was through sex. Often I became triggered and would get away or would simply go throught the motions even though I felt I was caught in a landslide and being crushed by the rocks falling upon me.

Sexually I have been so messed up it is not funny. I will not derail this by going into all of it. I have been on both sides of the S&M life and been in dark and dangerous places. I have never told anyone this but I have been almost raped a few times since my assault. But it was my set up for it - I put myself in the worst situations. Dark places with strangers who were deranged and dangerous men. I seemed to have a radar for it. It was like I looked for that type of guy who could cause the most damage.

To park my car near a bridge and then walk down a dark path past an abandoned building that housed one lunatic to meet another guy in the woods who was a drug addict? To be in another guy's apartment that I just met and could tell was so messed up? What the hell was I thinking? And those were not rare times for me at all.

I got caught up in the rent life for a time. It was cool the first time a guy offered me money for sex. I found that affirmed me more in a twisted way plus I needed the cash since I was still recovering from financial disaster. I even more identified with the fact I could only relate to men in a sexual manner.

Since the last round of therapy much has changed for me. I do not act out as much and I feel somewhat more in control of my sexuality. For the first time in my life I want a long term relationship with another man - a permanent one. I have never desired a monogamous relationship until this past year. Or course once you want something it seems harder to obtain. I let a lot of good men walk away - or I ran them off.

I still have a lot of work to do but feel I have come a heckuva long way in this part of my recovery. I am facing a lot of the shame of how I have acted for many years. I am basically working to make sure that my sex life is truly mine and not just an echo of the assault I endured. That the choices I make are because I want something or someone and not due to the push or restraints of what happened twenty years ago.

I am still trying to relate to men on a deeper level. Not sure how to measure that right now. But it is something I truly want.


Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#347831 - 12/11/10 05:31 PM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: prisonerID]
earlybird Offline

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 1007
My dear friend you said;

“I am still trying to relate to men on a deeper level. Not sure how to measure that right now. But it is something I truly want.”

I’m sure your meaning was aimed at finding and maintaining a long term, possibly permanent romantic, loving, sexual relationship. I hope for this for you. But I’d like to express something else or add to your thought. You have, for at least the near year that I’ve been here, developing the skills and ability to “relate to men on a deeper level.” I believe to have it start in the neutrality of friendships ‘first’ is extremely healthy. It is in these types of relationships I’m thinking we develop the tools to bond and love.

I know your care and warmth has made it easier for me to relate to men on a deeper lever. It is nice not to view every new male as a potential sexual threat. You along with many men here have helped me to come to terms with my rape in a way that is healthier leaving me feeling safer around men than I’ve known sense my rape.

So to your thoughts of “how to measure that right now” I’d like to throw in a vote that you think of all the men her you have not only “related to on a deeper level” but also touched at a deeper level. I hope you will count me as one.

Balanced (My goal)

There is symmetry
In self-reflection
Life exemplified
Grace personified

#347885 - 12/12/10 11:28 AM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: prisonerID]
blaidd Offline

Registered: 12/01/00
Posts: 240
Loc: Australia
Daryl, what an amazing guy you are.

I relate to being drawn to the "S&M life and been in dark and dangerous places" line that you wrote. While I dabbled on the fringe of the S&M, B&D and leather scene, ultimately my fear of men is what stopped me from acting out and getting myself into real trouble.

I feel so honoured to have read your post and how you are learning to reclaim an affirming and safe sexuality. Very inspiring.

#347892 - 12/12/10 02:37 PM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: prisonerID]
Geeders Offline

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Originally Posted By: prisonerID
It seems to be a struggle to even put a few sentences together for others to make sense of here.

I understand this SO much D-man. So much. For me, it is usually when I am on the crux of a dilema. Walking the tightrope, or the edge of a razor blade. It seems that no matter what, its going to come out wrong, or incorrect, and leave you feeling like you just wounded yourself. In the case at hand, I do not believe that you have. Quite the opposite I believe.

Originally Posted By: prisonerID
I am basically working to make sure that my sex life is truly mine and not just an echo of the assault I endured. That the choices I make are because I want something or someone and not due to the push or restraints of what happened twenty years ago.

I am still trying to relate to men on a deeper level. Not sure how to measure that right now. But it is something I truly want.

Look again at those words brother. Look again. Its very clear what you are seeking, at least to me. But its bloody hard to show yourself respect when few, if any other people have shown you the respect that you truly deserve.

As survivors, both CSA and ASA, we have all been shown a side of life that is truly dark. Frightening. That an abuser could so willfully, and skillfully damage and hurt us to our very core is indeed horrific. And we rightfully feel angry about it. For a long bloody time. But as human beings we also have a need to be validated, nurtured, and loved, and to return these wonderful aspects of life back to those who offered them to us in the first place.

Anyone can beat themselves up forever, mourning the choices they have made on this road we call life. Be it by drinking too much, being emotionally distant from those that would love us. But in the end, does it change anything now? Or in the future? Its been my experience it changes nothing. All it does is perhaps illuminate areas of future work that given the right input, can reap enormous rewards.

It really doesn't matter who, or how you choose to love so long as you both can respect yourselves, and each other. If a dash of S+M floats your boat, go for it! If it makes you and your chosen partner feel closer to each other, who's business it is anyway? Some people just like plain old vanilla, a bit of cuddly-wuddly, maybe some tonsil hockey, and that's fine too. In either situation, it's what makes you and your partner feel special. Loved. Trusted. Heard. Accepted for who and what you are. Not judged. And respected. Right here and right now.

A couple of months ago someone said to me that forgiveness begins when you realize that the past cannot be changed. That really hit me hard. But it makes sense. We cannot change what has already happened. Instead, let's focus on now, and tomorrow, and see what influence we can bring to it by making different decisions, based on a new and enlightened understanding of who we are and what we want.

Deeper understanding? If you don't think you are there Daryl, I respectfuly suggest that you are well on the road. cool


My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

#347895 - 12/12/10 02:57 PM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: Geeders]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

I applaud your evaluation of your life and sharing it here. Bravo.

I read your post in its entirety just after you posted it. I needed to reflect on my life as there are so many similarities to yours.

I am so honored to be on this journey with you.

Your a good man Daryl.


aka DJsport

#347916 - 12/12/10 04:52 PM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: Avery46]
many_mees Offline

Registered: 10/24/09
Posts: 286
You have been and continue to be a dear close friend to me over the past year. During that time you have been nothing but kind, caring, generous and forgiving of all that have approached you.

These qualities and many more have allowed you to relate to men on a deeper, closer level. You may not be able to see this in yourself but that is because we can rarely see those things that others see in us that make us special and unique.

In my estimation Daryl, you have already reached that level and are beginning to grow and become that special guy we all know you are.

As for relationships D, you have formed many with the guys here and some of them are very close; a most favorable outcome, in my humble opinion.

You said: "I am basically working to make sure that my sex life is truly mine and not just an echo of the assault I endured."

This, I think is the goal of all survivors and one worthy of attainment, Daryl. And however you choose to get there, it is your choice and I support your endeavor to be free of your past.

You have helped me in many ways... more than I can count, brother. And I only want what is right and good for you. As far as I can see, you really don't have that far to go. smile


#347935 - 12/12/10 08:08 PM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: many_mees]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Gentlemen, I do appreciate your kind words. As Donnie said it was a simplified evaluation of a portion of the way I lived my life after the assault. I am not really down on myself for how or what I did though of course I have my share of regrets. But I feel I cannot connect to what I am working on in my life if I do not connect to how I lived my life. I could go back to living that way or go after the life I feel I want. Which is easier? I hate to say it but it would be a lot easier to go backwards than forward. What had become my normal is some of what I wrote above. I have had long term relationships but I can run a good man off faster than a Canadian can make snow ice cream.

But in the past year I have found I want that stability in my life after running from it and some amazing men for two decades. In reflecting back I am seeing what I need to move forward. I have my shame for some of what I did or allowed to be done to me. But writing it here, after being here for quite a while now, was my way of saying that I am tired of secrets.

Jim, my last therapist was helpful to me in a lot of ways and sexuality was a major area. He helped me to see that I need not abandon anything, except for the unsafe practices, unless I wanted to. He helped me to see that as long as both participants were okay with it then what was the problem? That is when we started working on each echo of the rapes and of the words the men spoke to me. And we began dissecting my desires that were really mine and those that were spurred on by the past. Not an easy task and I am still working on it. Whatever I want or do I just need it to be from me and not from what those men did to me. I hope to go back into therapy with him again when finances are better. Seems there is always something getting broke and needing to be replaced. So, maybe sometime in 2011.

So I am deciding what I want and making sure why I do want it. Heck, that aint bad stuff! smile


Edited by prisonerID (12/13/10 01:35 AM)
Edit Reason: grammar
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

#348054 - 12/14/10 07:30 AM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: prisonerID]
philistine Offline

Registered: 04/27/09
Posts: 212
Loc: Oregon

I will chime in with, I think you are interacting with men on a deeper level.
I read your post and I can see similarities to my experiences, I'm sorry.
I wish I had some piece of wisdom to share, not happening any time soon.
You are a good man and strive to be better, that is the most that can be asked of someone.
Look at who you are and see your good points.


"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself" - Nietzsche

#348521 - 12/19/10 07:51 PM Re: Extreme Sexual Responses - Trigger Warning [Re: philistine]
oriolesguy Offline

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 124
Loc: Long Island, NY
Hey Daryl..

First, you are one courageous guy to express all that you have said. You have my true respect, as I know what you wrote was said from the heart. In addition, I think just EXPRESSING it shows that you have come quite a long way. You and I go back a bit, and I can see where you've come many miles from darker days.

I think that all of us reacted somehow sexually after we were raped. We may not have known exactly how or why it was happening, but an instance of rape changes your sexual attitudes and probably your behavior. I know mine did. I had to have sex with a lot of different women just to prove to myself that I was still a man despite being raped. It was foolish, and I am ashamed of much of it now. And yes, my rapists also said things and did things to me which still echo from time to time. But the point is that NOW YOU REALIZE what it did to you, and you can make changes. Like Geeders said, that was in the past. After all, our lives are in our own hands from this point onward, no matter what happened back then.

I think we also have to realize what power we have. The choices I make are MINE. Sometimes I think we put ourselves in dangerous positions because we think too little of ourselves, subconsciously or otherwise. No way should we do that. In fact the reverse should be true. Because we have been through sexual assault, we should be looking out for ourselves and realize that we have a right to a well-deserved relationship.

Nothing worth having comes easy. That relationship you're looking for might seem like it's a long time coming, but you'll get there. And remember that life - and its relationships - are always, always a work in progress. I feel as though I know you pretty well, and I know you will be a loving partner when the day comes. But never, NEVER throw yourself at someone. You are much, much too good for that.



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