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#347496 - 12/08/10 03:52 PM should I tell
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I am 3+ years into my recovery from the CSA and SA. I was sexually confused. My ex-wife said - get the f out, your gay - even after I told her I had been raped as a child. That was 20 years ago. I have two grown kids and 2 grandkids.

I have lived my life. I was married for 5 years. I have been in the back rooms of my gay places and been used by many men. I don't want to compared with anyone. I WANT to me. I was raped and used as a boy like a rag.

I WAS an alcoholic and drug addict. I have tried to kill myself. I have taken care of myself as much as I could.

Do I tell my story? How much do I tell? When do I tell? Are there any guarantees? Will I be able to perform sexually? Will she understand?

I have taken care of myself as much as I could.

AM I used up ladies....shall I not try....will you turn me away...

hmmmm....I wonder

I am not being sarcastic but genuine.

Edited by Avery46 (12/08/10 04:02 PM)
aka DJsport

#347505 - 12/08/10 04:15 PM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

aka DJsport

#347507 - 12/08/10 04:18 PM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Donnie-you are not used up.
Your life is not over -THAT life is over-

You have offloaded decades of s**t the past several months.

There isn't a thing you have done that I don't relate to.

We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#347534 - 12/08/10 05:34 PM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/13/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: Avery46
...hmmmm....I wonder

i like what buck said "that" life is over, or perhaps going to be over at some future and distinct point in the recovery process.

so hard to do this support electronically. its not emotional. can't reach out and just hold you for a moment and give you hug. can't see your face. can't really associate what you or anyone here types as anything "real" and living. (had that discussion last year right here and its obviously my personal problem in a world embracing electronic relationships as the new, in, fabulous thing to live for.)

all i can say is face to face support with other men, having the same issues and concerns that you do right here and right now - does miracles. i hope you can find such support and yes, you should tell - everything. there is no shame in telling. our shame is way past us at this stage. smile


#347552 - 12/08/10 06:53 PM Re: should I tell [Re: westchesterguy]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297
I'm not quite sure what you're getting at DJ. Are you thinking about talking to your ex-wife? Seeking a hetero relationship? Something else I'm completely missing?

Edited by InsideTheWall (12/08/10 06:55 PM)

#347603 - 12/09/10 09:24 AM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
"shall I not try"

We should absolutely try......
Can we control the reactions of others? No

"I have taken care of myself as much as I could" ---- these words pierce me right now. They are the battle cry of most guys I have met on this site. Perhaps they are my cry also.

#348060 - 12/14/10 07:51 AM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I would like to hear from the F&F group. It seems many in the F&F group want to hear disclosure. I put myself out here on purpose - to learn about how others think and feel about this issue and its many "affects".

I am sincere, loving and peaceful.

Please respond F&F.


aka DJsport

#348112 - 12/14/10 06:10 PM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
wnt2bsupportive Offline

Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 15
I was in a relationship with a survivor. He was having sexual encounters with men. I do/did not think he is gay. Our relationship ended (unfortunately) due to lack of trust and him not getting the help he truly needs.

I honestly think that in time with the right support and help that he can have a normal relationship.

So I guess my answer to you is...YES you should try and when you feel you can trust someone YES you should tell them. I think it is very important that we allow the people we love/trust in all the way. There will be people (women and men) that may decide that it is too much or that they don't want to deal with your past but that is there loss not yours. You do not deserve to have anyone in your life that can not accept ALL of you. Unconditional love. I still love my ex. It is very painful for me. I wish we could have survived his survival. I know all of him. I may not like some of the things that he has done but I love him non the less. I just can't be with him. I wish him the best and hope he gets the help he so desperately needs. I as well wish you nothing but the best.

Sorry if I kind of went off on my own a bit.

#348125 - 12/14/10 07:30 PM Re: should I tell [Re: wnt2bsupportive]
Disappointed Offline

Registered: 08/11/09
Posts: 541
Loc: U.S.A.
Dear Donnie,

You aren't used up. There will be many women who will give you a chance, IF you will give them a chance.

You've worked very hard on your recovery. Now you have to work hard to understand how to deal with your interest in women.

One reason I've never married, is because I NEVER understood men. After a fiasco in 2001 and 2002, I started trying to figure out my mistakes. In 2006, I found a very good book that explained the stages of dating, written by John Gray, called "Mars and Venus on a Date." It really helped me. Maybe it will help you to take step one, then step two, then step three and so on in the right order. He discusses when you bring things up and so forth.

You aren't used up. But like me, you are trying to figure out how to go about it. It wasn't natural to me, that's for sure! I wish my parents had explained this stuff.

Be well, Donnie.

Edited by Disappointed (12/14/10 07:31 PM)

#348153 - 12/14/10 11:33 PM Re: should I tell [Re: Avery46]
Sad in the Midwe Offline

Registered: 12/23/09
Posts: 21
You owe it to yourself-and to whomever you build a significant relationship with- to be TRUTHFUL. If you don't have truth, you don't have anything.

When hiding becomes lying, it is exhausting, sick, and unfair.

There are no rules for when, how much disclosure. The relationship will dictate that. You won't know until you're on the path.

Are there any guarantees? Part of being an adult is realizing that guarantees are for objects, not people. The truly valuable things in life have no guarantees


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