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#215530 - 04/05/08 01:24 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Freedom49]
des6263 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/15/06
Posts: 137
Loc: midwest, US
[/quote]Counseling and telking about can relieve some of the desires but some rewireing may be in order if that does not work.[quote]

What exactly do you mean by rewiring and how is it accomplished?

May the Flames of Truth Burn Bright

#215990 - 04/07/08 01:19 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Freedom49]
jamess_54321 Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/04/08
Posts: 2
I don't understand that response either. What do you mean that some rewiring may be needed, how can I do that?


#217083 - 04/10/08 06:28 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: jamess_54321]
piperlime Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/01/08
Posts: 4
Loc: Metro NY
This is my problem too. I was abused from 8 to 10 by a trusted adult. I am getting treatment for Sexual Adiction and am also talking to my therapist about these attractions to men. I am married with kids and love my wife, but compulsively need hookups with guys. I can't stop.

This looks like a good place to get some answers. Thanks guys

#217095 - 04/10/08 07:08 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: piperlime]
Freedom49 Offline

Registered: 12/31/07
Posts: 2724
Loc: Washington State
There has been some research done by an Australian Dr. Alan Meyer regarding brain chemistry and how we develope as sexual beings. This is as related to CSA and sexual addictions. In his research he has reached the conclusion that such patterns of behavior can be interrupted at the trigger point whether it be visual, mental fantasy, physicl triggers etc. and a new connection laid down through the acetylcholine between the brain cells that allows you to make healthier connections between the triggering event and te eventual resulting behavior.

It takes time and work. Like developing a muscle that has atrophied over time. Just like the physical muscle it can become stronger and can "rewire" that response to the triggers we were given in our abuse.

I know this works. I have used this method on myself for several bad habits and unacceptable behaviors like those you have listed in this thread. Took some time and I was not successful a lot at first but got stronger with practice. Most of us do this with other things in our life all the time but just do not realize it.

#217275 - 04/11/08 12:42 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Freedom49]
maxshame Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/10/08
Posts: 5
me too, i am hetero with wife and kids but relive the pain with porn and toys, trouble is i cant do it without being high on coke, horrible cycle,until i met my wife i sought out men to hurt me but i have fought that off. now its only a fantasy.told her last night how i left it behind and she said you were gay? she is fucking clueless,

#347976 - 12/13/10 05:03 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: dgoods]
hurtn4yrs Offline

Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 10
Loc: USA, NY
I would like to thank all of you for this frank discussion. I find it extremely inlightening, into the direction, my own fantasies have been taking me, for a while. I have been fantasizing that my own series of rapes,[that started at about age 7,by a male several years older, at the direction,and enforcement of a much older male] was a seduction, while alone, with the rapist. I was confused, why I was apparently, either subconciously, or conciously, trying to make it consentual. What testingWaters said feels right, it may feel better than the feelings of helplessness, and fear, I felt during my nightmare years!

thanks again


#347981 - 12/13/10 12:49 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: hurtn4yrs]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hi, Bill.

Welcome to MS. You found a thread that was began sometime ago. I encourage you to keep reading. There is great writing here and lots of support for yourself.

It fits for you and me. I have discovered those triggers points in recovery - the original point via flashbacks. I have lived as a gay man believing my attraction to men were real but also was rejected by my ex-wife from 21years ago when I told her I was raped as a child. I lived an active gay lifestyle that was NOT about being gay but was about re-enacting the abuse.

Bill, thanks for speaking up about your truth.


aka DJsport

#348235 - 12/16/10 01:03 AM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Avery46]
InsideTheWall Offline

Registered: 01/10/09
Posts: 297

Thats a huge revelation man. Are you sure?

#348329 - 12/16/10 11:56 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Avery46]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Avery46
I lived an active gay lifestyle that was NOT about being gay but was about re-enacting the abuse.


NOT sure what your asking am I sure of. I am thinking it is related to the statement I made above. The sex that I have had with men since I came out as being gay - yes for me - for me - has been abusive of the worst kind in fact. I have bled for days - sometimes weeks - with the kind of act that was perpetrated on me. I am NOT claiming a victim BUT I am saying it is NOT the consenual violent sex that my gay friends believe in.

At first reading of your post to me, I was upset NOT sure what to say. After giving it sometime to calm down and think the possibilities through on what I would say, this is it.

If I am "off", please let me know.


aka DJsport

#349411 - 12/31/10 06:48 PM Re: Why do I seek out men when not attracted to th [Re: Avery46]
ohiomike1965 Offline

Registered: 12/31/10
Posts: 4
Loc: Franklin, Ohio
I would like to thank everyone for their comments. I am new to the site and have a million questions but this is one of the two that are foremost in my mind.

I am 45 and got sober when I was 24. When I was about 9 months sober I did my 4th and 5th steps. My sponsor told me there were too many areas in my past that he had no experience with and suggested I seek couseling/therapy. I did.

I told the therapist about the abuse by my brother and sister and the lack of affection/nurturing by my parents. I told him about having been molested by a teacher when I was 13. Well, actually I told him it happened when I was 11 but that was because a few years earlier I was in therapy and when I told him I had been molested when I was 13, he told me pedaphiles are repulsed by pubic hair...which I took to mean I wasn't really molested. Somehow I guess I thought the story would be more believable if I said I was 11.

The molesting went on for a couple of years and usually happened multiple times in a day. I was so desparate for affection I would have sold my right arm for a hug. I loved all 3 of my abusers: the older brother I admired and wanted to be like, the older sister whom I could confide in, and the teacher who molested me but made me feel loved and wanted.

Well, the therapist had no background in childhood sexual abuse and told me I needed to accept my homosexuality. I didn't enjoy sex with men and couldn't understand why. My experiences with woman had been emotionally devastating: I believed I had commited date rape even though the sex was consensual. I cried all the time if I was intimate with a woman and I couldn't understand where the pain was coming from. I almost had a complete breakdown and spent my days immobolized in bed, requiring a cane when I tried to walk (couldn't stop my legs from just spazzing and jerking around). I drank and drugged, and then sought out men.

When I was with a man there was no emotional pain. Very little enjoyment, but at least I didn't break down and start sobbing. So, when the therapist said I needed to accept my homosexuality I figured he knew what he was talking about. I came to know a number of gay men as friends (non-sexual) but always felt different than them. I didn't feel or think about men like they did and that was obvious not only to me but to them. I just figured I was peculiar, but I knew I was gay: I did have fantasies about men and they were much more intense than fantasies about women.

Masturbating about going down on a guy has the same emotional intensity as rage or the mind-numbing urge that would take over after the first drink. The thoughts would become a force that just took over my mind though I usually did not act on them, beyond masturbating.

I did, however, seek out men to have sex with on a number of occasions, mostly during my drinking/drugging years. Usually I was just looking for someone to give me a blow job. I think this was mostly re-enacting the abuse except this time I was in control. I decided who and when. But I think there was also a lot of people pleasing in there as well.

The times I tried performing fellatio I found I wasn't really interested. It was no more interesting/exciting to me than having sex with a plant. I chalked it up to something related to the abuse. About a year sober I gave up on finding a man.

Well, 2o plus years later I discover that the abuse had much more of an impact on me than I ever thought. Only in the past few months have I actually begun to have an emotional response to the molesting. I had been having very strong thoughts/wishes of being romantically involved with a woman and starting a family but found this confusing. That's when the flood gates opened. I thought I was over the molesting because whenever I talked about it I was emotionless. Now I see more clearly has it has been the single greatest influencing factor in my life: it is the prism through which most everything has been focused.

I have read "Victims No Longer" by Lew and "Beyond Betrayal" by Gartner and now have a therapist who has an extensive background in working with survivors of childhood sexual abuse. We have only met three times so far but it has been more beneficial than all the other therapy I have had. It's refreshing to work with someone who knows the difference from his ass and a hole in the ground!

When I fanatasize about sex with a woman it is a gentle, caring thing where I care about my partner's physical and emotional enjoyment. When fantasizing about a man it is that rage-intensity feeling that numbs my brain and anesthetizes my thoughts. After masturbating to the thought of being with a woman I feel content and 'lighter', almost playful, and look forward to the prospect of building a relationship with a woman. After masturbating about a man I feel no emotion but have an overall feeling that I don't need anybody: I feel like I won but I couldn't say what it was I won. This has been quite disconcerting at times.

I went to a Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting recently and just about broke down. I had no idea where the emotion was coming from and just sat there in silence. When I thought of my sexual conduct over the years it dawned on me that I had been compulsively masturbating for 32 years. I felt that most of the sex I had with men was out of a desire to shame myself, to hurt myself for what I let happen. (True or not, that is what it FELT like at the meeting).

I left that meeting feeling that I have a lot of work to do. I shared my feelings with a recovering woman I have grown to trust over the years and broke down. I felt so broken.

I know so little about healthy sexuality and am more than a little confused. I tend to sexualize all friendships (usually just in my head, somewhere in there that little kid know's what these people really want). I suspect I am more straight than gay and that scares me. I'm not worried about having fantasies about men and acting on them (haven't done that in over 14 years). I'm worried about being with a woman and being that sobbing, pain filled boy. I think it would be hard to find a woman (at least in this part of the country) who would be open to the idea that the man in her life spent most of his years thinking he was gay. That's probably just BS. I think I'm really frightened to look deeper inside at that frightened, angry, confused boy. Part of me would rather not go down that path.

Just want to thank everyone for their comments. I feel a little less lost on this path.

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