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#347717 - 12/10/10 07:02 AM I don't fit in these catagories (TRIGGER WARNING)
goodbyehorses Offline

Registered: 12/10/10
Posts: 26
Loc: Northern California
I found this website from an "Oprah" episode that a friend insisted I watch. I feel like a real scumbag. I have been in therapy for sexual issues for 6 months but I question my progress. I question whether I am actually a victim or a perpetrator. After reading peoples stories I feel like my abuse story is weak. At times I was the defender, other times the offender.
I grew up in abusive families with constant domestic abuse until my parents divorced when I was 2 years old. I lived with mom and her alcoholic boyfriend (my step dad). At age 3, during a family christmas party, stepdad was drunk and I made the mistake of calling my mom a "bitch". My stepdad picked me up and took me into the kitchen where he proceeded to bash my head against the table, leaving a 5" scar across the back of my head (as a reminder of where I came from). At age 4, my 4 year old female cousin came to live with us, she had been repeatedly victimized by heroin junkies and I believe she was my first sexual experience. Later mom got arrested on LSD&coke and lost custody of us.
My real dad, the bar hopper, was addicted to the night life and always found a neighbor to keep an eye on me and my older brother. Around age 5, a neighbor took me in his shed, gave me oral sex and penetrated me with his fingers. After that I started acting out on kids, male or female, at babysitters', giving oral sex. I have several short memories of doing this at various sitters. At age 7, an 8-year-old stepbrother began molesting me. I speculate he must have been an abuse victim by the actions he was doing to me. This happened daily for 2 months, for hours at a time sometimes. It started out very weird for me, but felt very good physically, and after weeks I thought I felt love for him. My dad and his mom split up, and I missed him and fantasized about him often. A year later at age 8, I had a new stepbrother who was 9 years old. I did the same actions to him which had been done to me, including the exact phrases to get it started. He did not like it or participate much, and told within a month. His mom and my dad split up and I was sent to counseling, where I would practice staring at the wall and not saying a single word at every session. Years passed, during which I fantasized about the situations I had experienced. At age 11, I molested a step-sister who was 7 years old, giving her oral sex. After a few months her mom and my dad split up.
At age 12, the internet and chat rooms came out, and while searching the chatrooms list I was enticed by the words "preteen-sex-pics". I entered this room, and found I could type in a phrase and a bot would send pictures of child pornography. There were many chatrooms similar to this with hundreds of bots freely sending pornography across the internet. I spent alot of time looking at pornography, and children in particular which aroused me, and brought back childhood memories. During the situations it felt wrong, but fantasizing about them later it felt like they were providing love and attention that I craved.
Soon after at age 13, I began drinking heavily, smoking pot, and doing very hard drugs. I molested my 9 year old brother with oral sex, and at the time I knew I was older and it was not right. I was in constant fear and regret after that. That was the last time I touched a child. I continued using drugs and looking at child pornography into adulthood until I quit the hard drugs at age 20. I never had any parental support my entire life, and felt suicidal when I was not using. I have cut my wrists a few times, and burned very deep scars into my arms and legs during my teens. It was always for "attention", yet I was too tough to allow anyone to find out I was doing those things.
Around age 26, a girlfriend of 3 years found child porn on my computer. She told my mom, who questioned me, and I told her everything about my growing up. She was devastated. Life went on, I never again kept child porn on my computer but searched it out weekly to fulfill the urge. By age 28, I broke up with the girlfriend, and a couple months later she told one of my friends about my porn problem. This was December 2009 my world came crumbling down. It spread like wildfire thru my friends, associates, and everyone I had met in the last 15 years, the people I considered family. I never relied on my actual family because I had these people for support. They all turned on me. They labeled me a child molester and made plans on me. 2010 has definitely been the most horrific year of my life. I rarely left my house, for my safety, and was suicidal again and hurting myself until I was able to get sober in June. Since being sober I have been able to let go of some of the past, and had the courage to seek out help for my problems. I am in low-cost counseling and seeking a recovery group. I have never known whether to label myself a victim or abuser since I have been both. Most people hear the word child porn, and its a death sentence. Google news search "pornography" and see how many people are getting arrested for it, yet help groups are few and far between. I am on my own in this, as I have always been.

Edited by TJ jeff (12/10/10 02:05 PM)
Edit Reason: edited to add trigger warning

#347719 - 12/10/10 08:32 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: goodbyehorses]
Mountainous Buck Offline

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
You are not alone, gbh.

I am glad you are sober today-

For those of us who are compulsive sexually and seek escape thru drugs,'alcohol, and/or sex, staying abstinence, sober, and working a rigorous program is the tried and true way to clarity, peace,'and a life worth living.

Just know for today that you are not unique and that there is hope-you are taking steps to make better things possible.

**I'm headed to a 12 step meeting this afternoon for sexual addiction in a state prison unit for offenders. I know their stories are not much different that mine, except I acted out in different ways.

I also have brothers in my groups who have gone to prison or are facing prison for child porn-this is SERIOUS stuff.

As with any recovery, we have to be willing to face the truth about ourselves ruthlessly and seek help as though our lives depended on it.

I am glad you found MS.

Edited by Mountainous Buck (12/10/10 11:01 AM)
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

#347724 - 12/10/10 09:13 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Still Offline

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 7011
Loc: FEMA Region 1
As a survivor of abuse by older boys, I'm not sure what to say...what to think. I do know, just by the numbers involved, that you are not alone.

The 7 year-old in me retreats in fear.

The adult me says "I truly truly want to see you getting serious and personal help." A therapist will work wonders, a group experience.

You have taken a great leap forward by writing what you just did. I'm sure it was not easy. Please...keep the momentum going.

#347726 - 12/10/10 09:45 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: Still]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

Welcome to MS, You will find support here.

I too had similiar abuses and assaults as you have had.

I am sorry you experienced such atrocities. It is a terrible thing that the man and the woman who called stepdad and mom hurt you - an innocent little boy. Any shame you might feel about this belongs to them. My mom dislocated my right hip by herself when I was 2.5, shame on them.

You are apart of this community.

Be gentle with yourself.


Edited by Avery46 (12/10/10 09:55 AM)
aka DJsport

#347733 - 12/10/10 10:22 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: Avery46]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758

this is very difficult for me as your story has a few very triggering parts specific to me, and the abuse I endured.

First off..You should put a seriouos trigger warning on this post or a mod should/would.

Secondly...I believe the term would be "Offending survivor" but other could correct me if I'm wrong.

Third...You can apply with Ken Singer to becoome part of the at-risk forum....where some of your issues can be discusse further.

I am sad for the survivor side of you...but the offending side really hurts...if we are to be honest.

This is not ment to hurt you or make it worse, but I live by honesty here...or try to the best of my ability.

I at least commend you honesty.

Have you taken resposibility to the people you hurt and let them know?


#347740 - 12/10/10 10:54 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: Castle]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama

I would like to say thanks for being brave and stating the facts. You will find that you are not alone in what you have done. Please remember that at 13 you were just a child. A Child that was a Victim of a terrible thing. You only were doing what you had been taught. Use this website to gain knowledge of how others have been effected by their abuse. If you are not in counseling you need to get started if at all possible. And always remember that if you are truly sorry for what you have done that God knows your heart. Ask for His forgiveness if you haven't already. He is faithful to forgive if we ask. And also learn to forgive yourself. I will be your friend to listen if you need to talk.


#347746 - 12/10/10 11:27 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: wayne9]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758


I have issues with a bunch of your thoughts...sorry.

He said that at 13 he knew he was doing wrong...whether its due to his abuse..Im not exactly sure.

I dont think he needs to ask "god" for forgiveness nor is he "allowed" to ask those who were acted upon for forgiveness...but I was discussing taking accountability to people who were hurt and acteed upon. I know right now I wont accet a sorry, but accountability Ive been trying to get for a bit now without success.

Indeed this is very difficult territory, and if one post this info, a different viewpoint is going to surface. I do commend his courage to engage in the topic.

"A Child that was a Victim of a terrible thing. You only were doing what you had been taught."

This troubles me a lot, and quite possibly is my issue...IDK...but not a great message to put out there. In my mind there is no excuse for abuse..I can see why some might act out...but certainly not an excuse.

I dont think I was rude or anything, but stated my feelings.

EDITED to add from site guidlines:
At Risk Forum

The At Risk Forum is for survivors who have done inappropriate, harmful, or abusive behavior to others in their childhood or adolescence, or have acted out sexually through certain behaviors that may be causing shame. This is also for survivors who are experiencing feelings or thoughts of acting out sexually on another person.

Due to the sensitive nature of some of the discussions in At Risk, admission to post or read is by application to the moderator. You must be a paid member of MaleSurvivor (limited scholarship funds are available for those who cannot afford membership) and the person must let Ken Singer know why he wants access. Information shared within this forum is to remain confidential and is not to be shared with anyone outside of this forum.

Edited by Castle (12/10/10 11:39 AM)
Edit Reason: add info about at risk from site guidlines

#347748 - 12/10/10 11:59 AM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: Castle]
tommyb Offline

Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 815
Loc: American South

#347753 - 12/10/10 12:58 PM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: tommyb]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 808
It's great there is honesty offered as a real form of support. I think both Jamie & Harris gave good input. You acknowledge a real serious problem, now do everything you can to get help and kill the monster.

I would honestly encourage those of you triggered by Horses to keep giving him your feedback, don;t back away. Jamie said once we should all:

Face Everything And Recover (FEAR).

CSA is so bloody ugly....God it is awful. I guess my point is if it hurts to heal (and oh yeah it does) then we got to take on the pain and keep working it.

Be well all.....Keith

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#347754 - 12/10/10 12:59 PM Re: I don't fit in these catagories [Re: tommyb]
wayne9 Offline

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 161
Loc: alabama

I never said anything about being excused. I simple stated the fact that he was copying the things that was done to him. At 13 years old...yes he may have known what he was doing was wrong but do you really believe he had any clue as to the after effects of this. I for one know that my CSA went on from the age of 8-12 years old. I never tried to stop it but had I really truthfully understood what it was going to do to me I would without a doubt stopped it or at least tried to.

As for God and forgiveness.....Mine and your beliefs my vary somewhat. Asking for forgiveness is helpful in our on feelings of guilt that we may feel even if we where not a fault. If you believe the Bible as Gods word than at some point you have to except "sorry" if it is truly from the heart. I for one am having problems with this in my on life. I know I need to forgive Him (the abuser) but don't know that I have gotten there yet.

As for your thinking that my post was not a "great thing to put out there". Sorry if I offended anyone but my take on all this is that Goodbyehorses found MS and was looking for help. What I tried to give him was encouragement. Not sure about everyone else here but I know as for myself I need that.


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