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#345623 - 11/18/10 11:56 AM Mb question
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
I really don't want to ask this question, but I probably ought to.

what is wrong with mb?

what I mean is, unfortunately for me, I was cursed with an active libido.

I really would rather not have this, it only causes problems and I become tense if I ever react physically ie, get an e------n at any other time than at my own choosing.

I know where exactly this comes from, sinse often my physical reactions as a teenager lead to some pretty nasty things happening.

i find de>

#345633 - 11/18/10 01:32 PM Re: Mb question [Re: dark empathy]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Masturbation, on a purely physical level, is generally harmless and enjoyable. Humans and animals do it. It gets complicated and potentially harmful when it is used to avoid sexual intimacy with a partner or results in self-injury.

Problems also come along with guilt over doing it. This can be from religious beliefs, parental prohibitions or engaging in fantasies that may be replaying old abuse or acts (if done in reality) would be illegal or hurt someone.

It sounds like you are using masturbation as a means of self-medicating. If you could make an analogy of taking a drink or smoking weed every time you felt (fill in the blank), would you see it as self-medicating your negative feelings or thoughts?

If you are masturbating primarily to the pleasurable feelings, it's probably healthier than visualizing or viewing porn. Without a real person in a current or from a past relationship to fantasize about, it is understandable that the face of "a pretty girl" or other scenes that are not part of your experience, and the lure of porn helps objectify the image in your mind. Sounds like your discomfort about even writing sexual terms says there is a lot of conflict that maybe your abuser put into your head.

If you are in therapy, you might want to explore the conflict you have about sexuality. If you can get some neutrality about sex in general, perhaps you can find a happy medium of being more comfortable about your own sexuality.

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#345652 - 11/18/10 04:44 PM Re: Mb question [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
Unfortunately, therapy sort of stopped for me sinse relate decided to forget about me and the uni took me off their hands.

Generally sspeaking things are better, it's just this gets in the way.

I don't particularly feel guilt about it exclusively, but your analyses of self medicating is very accurate, particularly sinse on those occasions when I refrain from mb, ---- for instance when on holliday sharing a room with someone, I have nightmare releated problems.

I have actually considdered medical castration, but this would be detrimental to my health and my voice, sinse just hate that set of feelings, they've only ever caused me problems really and I'd far rather be without them.

#345751 - 11/19/10 03:34 PM Re: Mb question [Re: dark empathy]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
For me - self gratification (mb) was a way to avoid having a real relationship with another person (including my wife). It was a way to numb out - not face reality -- including my csa.

But then again - I am a recovering sex addict - so mb is off limits to me.

#345768 - 11/19/10 06:15 PM Re: Mb question [Re: Sobernow]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
I allow myself to MB to fantasies - even of me as a kid or of the assault as an adult - as this is better than the acting out of the drama with another human being.

My MB is becoming less and less traumatic and more full filling to me in an intimate way.


aka DJsport

#345783 - 11/19/10 08:38 PM Re: Mb question [Re: Avery46]
FormerTexan Offline

Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 12091
Loc: Denver, CO
Dark Empathy, I'm not sure there is anything wrong with MB per se, but I posed the question in regards to spiritual views here. It received some interesting feedback.

Money talks, but all it tells me is goodbye.

If I could meet myself as a boy...

#345898 - 11/21/10 07:26 AM Re: Mb question [Re: FormerTexan]
ericc Offline

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 1986

I don't know the answer, but I'll put in my take based up my own situation. If I look at porn and MB, then I usually feel guilty about it. And in truth, that is somethings that for me really should be avoided. I can just tell it isn't the right thing for me to do. As far as MB without using that sort of things, it sort of depends how it might make me feel. If I did it because I was stressed or depressed, it might just make me feel worse. If I do it but use as mental imagery someone that maybe I really wouldn't want to be with in real life, that usually makes me feel guilty or disgusted. If I imagined being with someone I would actually want to be with, then for some reason it might not feel as bad or disgusting (kind of depends.) I think what this all tells me is that if I were to get involved with someone, it should be someone I really want to be with. So I don't think it is always bad, and sometimes probably an acceptable outlet, I think there are circumstances for me where it really isn't a good thing. So I guess a lot depends on context.


#345980 - 11/22/10 08:24 AM Re: Mb question [Re: ericc]
Wardpoet Offline

Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 43
Loc: Maryland
No harm in moderation pleasure can be abused like any drug.Scary to think castration would be concidered.Self mutilation?Is there some self hatred? Dark empathy, intamacy is difficult for us can be anyhow,so with limits self fulfillment is good within certain paremeters.Sex can be easy and hard depending on your place in your path. So look at the frequency as a problem you can adjust and prevent dependance. Look at reasons to see if there is a escape factor.I would sugest charting so on paper you look at this from a different perspective. I would also refuse myself for a given period longer breaks between untill you can go at least two days without thus getting a grip on some control.

#346947 - 12/03/10 09:04 AM Re: Mb question [Re: Wardpoet]
dark empathy Offline

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2667
Loc: durham, north england
Hi people.

For me, it exists as a form of control. I can refrain for a while, ----- indeed as my heating has been broken and was only fixed yesterday and it's currently freezing and covered in snow here, I haven't done it for several days sinse I've been ssleeping on my settee which has a beautiful indian throw rug i wouldn't want to risk harming (and isn't partiuclarly big enough anyway).

The castration wasn't really a serious considderation, and certainly not a thing I'd considder doing myself, rather I just explored it as a medical option sinse I dislike my libido so much (for libido substitute s/x drive), and if there was a safe way to be without it I'd gladly take it.

this turned out not to be an option on both health and voice grounds (sinse my singing is very important to me).

In terms of self-medication, I would regard weed smoking alcohol or tobacco as ad, but these are physically harmful.

My parentswere ridiculously streight forward about it, in fact while I remember them explaining to me very clearly and honestly at age ten what was happening and what it meant, I find it very difficult to reconnect with those feelings, ---- mostly thinking of it just as a standard part of growing up, like learning to shave or getting taller. In fact I didn't ven think of it as that important.

This was a mistake, sinse having a streight forward atitude as a teenager when everyone else took it as something to be stupid, imature and disgusting over just marked me as a targit and in fact started the first slide towards my abuse.

Perhaps if I'd been told nothing or made to feel guilty, I could've been an idiot like everyone else and bad things wouldn't have happened!
Reading other's posts I realize I've not been perfectly honest.

there are three states of mine I'm generally in during mb, not two.

These are dead blank getting the job done, thinking of something, ---- or someone pleasant, and one more connected to one particular fantasy (which has nothing to do with my abuse), but which, ---- while not explicite, aggressive or violent, wouldn't be a situation I'd want another person to be in.

I've certainly never sought out material involving this situation, it's purely a mental fantasy, ---- often an abstracted one.

I feel reluctant to discuss it, ---- but at the same time, do not feel guilt when I'm involved with it.

At the same time I can't help feeling I haven't moved orward with this. while certainly etter than when I started, I've done nothing about either my tactile defensiveness of my fear of s/x, and I can't see any way forward with either issue, ---- I've not even sure if any of this is involved, I just don't particularly know where else I can talk about this, sinse I'd be far too uncomfortable to discuss things with another person.

#347488 - 12/08/10 07:18 PM Re: Mb question [Re: dark empathy]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Hi, my fraternal brother.

Well for this old boy who has been masturbating for 60 years, as far as i am concerned, is a healthy thing to do. I was always a shy & lonely boy. I always had a fear of girls/females, due to the emotional, physical, mental & sexual abuse by my "mom".

But, my problem was that while i am doing it, i am fantasizing, doing it with my main male perpetrator. Those forbidden pleasures that he gave to me. If it's a control thing, then i have been in control for 55 years. If it is an escape thing, then it has served me well for 55 years.

You see i had thought that what was happening to me was because
he loved me. "because he told me so." For 55 years.
I had also thought that i loved him too. He was giving me his undivided love & attention that i was craving for. It has taken me 55 years to realise that he did not love me. He was using his power & control over me. I have just taken my power & control back from a dead man.

I have just recently evicted my male perpetrator from my mind, heart & soul.
When, i masturbated since evicting him, it has gotten harder for me to get those pleasurable feelings, and ejaculating.

Now,when i do it, i keep telling myself that this is for my pleasure only. Replacing that fantazing need for my pleasure is a difficult thing. But when i do complete it just for me when ejactulating, i get a higher level of pleasure.

I could care less that most religions consider this a grave sin.
I care about me, a gay guy and my sexuality.

"I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity."
As he is me.

Heal well my brother, dark empathy, heal well.

I hope this helps you.


Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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