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#347477 - 12/08/10 06:06 PM Since he told me he's pulled even farther away
lydia Offline

Registered: 03/18/10
Posts: 6
Some of you may remember me - been on this site a few times over the past year suspecting that my long-time boyfriend had been abused. He finally told me about 2 months ago that he indeed had been. No details and I didn't ask, just offered my love and support. Since telling me, he has pulled even farther away from me/our relationship. And now I've found out that he's been chatting with other women online. He says he still cares for me deeply and wants us to work, but he's going through some intense mental termoil. I would have thought him trusting me enough to tell me about his abuse would have meant we'd grow closer. Does he view me differently now because I know? Could it be that he thinks I look at him differently? I love this man with all my heart and would do anything to help him. I'm trying to give him the space/time he needs to figure things out but its so hard not to call or go to him. Can anyone shed some light on why he appears to have changed how he relates to me now that I know?

#347483 - 12/08/10 06:34 PM Re: Since he told me he's pulled even farther away [Re: lydia]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Hi, Lydia.

I am a survivor and will write as a survivor. As tough as it is to share with someone and it is good he shared with you - revealing this secret can be traumatic and he is withdrawing to keep himself "safe". I know your safe but his inside does NOT know that. I know as angry as his behavior will make you - your anger is valid and he needs to know how is behavior is affecting you - he will respond in very irrational ways. I am not making excuses for him or saying you must accept anything.

He views himself "differently" now that he has told. Hopefully he views himself in a positive manner. It will take practice on his part in telling. It takes 100 times for a task to become a habit.

BE gentle with yourself as he will see you as a trusting person.


aka DJsport

#347484 - 12/08/10 06:40 PM Re: Since he told me he's pulled even farther away [Re: Avery46]
lydia Offline

Registered: 03/18/10
Posts: 6
Thanks Donnie. Having suspected that he was abused, it wasn't a shock to hear him tell me and it had absolutely no negative impact on how I feel about him. In fact, it made me love him more for trusting me enough to tell me. What has been so hurtful is his communication with other women. I'm trying my best to understand it - not being a CSA survivor myself, it's not easy to comprehend, but I have suffered physical abuse from a previous spouse, so I do know what such trauma can do to your thinking/behavior.

He is the most wonderful man I've ever known (besides my own dad and grandfather) and in my eyes, there's nothing he could tell me about what happened to him that would change that. It is my greatest hope and prayer that he will see my devotion to him and that it will help him to know he can trust me and confide in me. He promised me he would seek counseling, but as of yet has not.

Thanks again for your insight.

#347543 - 12/08/10 10:56 PM Re: Since he told me he's pulled even farther away [Re: lydia]
westchesterguy Offline

Registered: 11/14/09
Posts: 421
Loc: Westchester County NY
Originally Posted By: lydia
...Does he view me differently now because I know? Could it be that he thinks I look at him differently? I love this man with all my heart and would do anything to help him....

lydia, i'm a male survivor and 20 years ago i was in a relationship with a guy who was just beginning to have flashbacks of his own rape at 2 and 3 years old. i was with him during that first stage, helped him as much i could. he felt safe with me obviously since i had gone through the recovery process by that time.

but i failed myself, because i approached his situation as something i could fix, help to make happy again, and then he and i would live happily ever after.

i feel for you in this situation. the spectrum of this childhood sexual abuse crime touches lives way beyond the actual victim. and now it touches yours too. if i were to date another guy today who is just going through the recovery process and he pulled away -- no matter what i feel inside -- i have to "let him go."

i'd be there for him, and support him 100%, but i'd also keep a clear head and work towards keeping my own life safe/sane, knowing that right now and for perhaps years to come his recovery process is all that matters.


#347553 - 12/08/10 11:58 PM Re: Since he told me he's pulled even farther away [Re: westchesterguy]
weharry1959 Offline

Registered: 11/13/10
Posts: 71
Loc: N/W Pennsylvania, USA
Lydia - I am a survivor and going through what appears to be happening with you and your BF. I know that I viewed things differently when I told my wife. I first thought that I expected her to leave me and (irrationally) felt that she was "just" to do so. That I surely saw myself as less than a man and for that matter, less than a human, because I couldn't accept me. I still struggle with those thoughts, yet my wife of 22 years, continues to love me.
I don't know you BF, but if there is any room for comparison, he may feel that talking to other women a "safe" person to talk to for two reasons. One, if I talk to a guy, he might thing Im gay or coming on to him and/or Two, if I feel less than a man, telling another man only emasculates me more. (pretty screwed up, huh?) Well, I would strongly encourage him to see counseling from a Licensed Counselor, therapist who have training in this area and truly care about the male ego and it's proper handling of "his" true and deep down feelings and fears. Yeah, he may have thoughts of consensual same sex "fantasies" (for lack of a better word) that he runs from. What I am finding out that I and others have to face that dreaded fear and acknowledge that thoughts aren't behaviors and as I understand it, not uncommon of CSA survivors. The one thing else that I can do is hold you both in my prayers and brotherly support of your boyfriend to seek a CSA Therapist (Male Survivor.Org appears to have them or can make a referral their not in your immediately area), accept that he'll mostly likely be angry and emotional, But like what we as a society has been hearing lately is "don't give up....things will get better!" I know that I personally still question that sage advice, but it is will get better.

Forgiving does not always mean everything goes back to the way it was. There are still natural consequences for what was done.

#348016 - 12/13/10 08:49 PM Re: Since he told me he's pulled even farther away [Re: weharry1959]
SeekingStrength Offline

Registered: 11/18/10
Posts: 16
*HUGS to you, Lydia*

PM when you are online again.

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the strength to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".


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