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#344239 - 11/05/10 06:47 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Cres Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/28/06
Posts: 6
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: WalkingSouth
I won't begin to prescribe or proscribe a course of action for others but for me the SSA became a non issue when I decided to just quit worrying about it. I did that for decades and all I got out of it was shame. Figured I'd try another approach. (see my sig line below)

Do I find myself attracted to guys? Some, but so what? Besides, I've discovers it's the fantasy of the mind that is so appealing to me. I don't find myself jonesin' for my friends and it doesn't mean I have to destroy my family to "try it out" what it's like. At this point in my life I have family and other relationships that I treasure and I prefer to not make a mess of that.


Walking South, did you have to explore your SSA with another man before you came to having peace with it or were you able to reach this state by just letting it go?

_________________________
Cres

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#346490 - 11/29/10 12:53 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: ryan_a]
Nas Offline


Registered: 11/22/10
Posts: 18
Loc: NJ
I am sure that i am attracted to women and have only dated women in the past, but I must admit that I have a real struggle with ssa. I am currently having a strong ssa with a co-worker, I am a man of faith and I have prayed hard and tried to do some mental exercise to try and change my way of thinking but if seems to becoming a trying and difficult thing to change. It is the thing for me that get's in the way of me having a relationship, it also very difficult because I have no one to talk to about this and it cause me to be depressed


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#346497 - 11/29/10 07:00 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Nas]
Nas Offline


Registered: 11/22/10
Posts: 18
Loc: NJ
I also just want to thank all of you for talking about ssa, it is such a help to me to know that I am not alone in this struggle,in all the many years I have only talked to one other person about my struggle with ssa Thanks guys


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#346508 - 11/29/10 08:37 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Nas]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
As i work through my abuse and learn to share shame that keeps me small, I
see my attraction to other males in a clearer light. (note: as a recovering sex addict I acted out sexually and compulsively with men for years before I got honest and found help. I consider my acting out a symptom of csa. Csa initiated me into sexual contact with males and shut me down emotionally-so part of my was always trapped as a nine year old with an absent father, longing for affirmationmand approval of men, and for me a desire to be in control sexually with male partners.

So when I live life with honesty, have healhy male fellowship, admit my issues with brothers in my program and sponsor, I end up with affirmation, approval, and a degree of control in my life. The SSA goes away. When I take care of my body I don't seek masculinity thru sex-i honor my self.

Seeing Others and connecting with them as people-not sexual objects to be used and discarded-helps too.

Namaste

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346512 - 11/29/10 08:42 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
MB,

You da man. You have the answers. I need to think and meditate on this one.

I have failed to deal with my ssa? I am so inadequate in dealing with them.

I admit I have them less and less and NEVER knew the love of a good woman.

I am glad you all write here.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346513 - 11/29/10 08:49 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
This is my actual experience.

Wait til we discuss how our mothers made us fear and loathe women!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346644 - 11/30/10 08:50 AM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
CheerfulJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/10
Posts: 149
Loc: England (at the moment)
SSA down to 2% maybe 1% if not less. Once i saw it for what it was 'sexualised longing for friendship, intimacy, etc', it lost most of its power. Recognising a 'template' boy that all others were compared to, and smashing that idol....it's shrinking even faster. Major issue for years. Still dealing with depression and doormat-ism etc.

lots of love
CJ

PS I still think it's a bloody great miracle that i'm happily married with children!

_________________________
Wolves will live with lambs. Leopards will lie down with goats. Calves, young lions, and year-old lambs will be together, and little children will lead them.

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#346751 - 12/01/10 12:58 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: CheerfulJohn]
gettingalong Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/07
Posts: 42
Thanks for bringing this subject up Cres. I don't know if it's the anti-anxiety meds or working through this lately, but my ssa has decreased in the past couple months. It seems as I'm truly seeking a more intimate relationship with my wife, although difficult some days, the ssa is taking a back seat. I've also been experiencing some moments when I'm NOT passive and just allow others to control me...so there is hope! Lots of it.

Keep on keepin on.

I'm with Cheerful John! It's a miracle I am married with children too.


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#346756 - 12/01/10 01:52 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Mountainous Buck

Wait til we discuss how our mothers made us fear and loathe women!


I am waiting....hehehehehe

I agree with MB about the ssa going away.

Sincerely, I am learning and growing.

I am so enjoying hearing all of you.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#346814 - 12/01/10 10:05 PM Re: Does ssa feelings ever go away ? [Re: Avery46]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1627
Loc: Minnesota
Ok, I'll bite on the mother question.

Early in therapy for sex addiction, my T asked a lot of questions about my family background, sexual messaging growing up, etc. ALOT of questions that irritated me.

At the next session, my wife was present and my T says he thinks I was taught to be "heterophobic"!

Looking back, I can recite a laundry list of incidents where I was shamed out of sexual feelings towards heterosexual sex. Male sexuality was just not welcome around the women in my family, and I adopted those beliefs that "men are dogs", women think "sex is disgusting", making out with a girl was "inappropriate", etc. etc.

All those early beliefs and experiences I had to vomit up out of my deep inside self-those were not MINE. They belonged to others in my family and I needed to make room for my own authentic sexuality without other's imposed beliefs, shame, or hang-ups.

Gradually my body without these ideas and beliefs, and WITHOUT resorting to sex (porn, Ma*(*bation, etc.) - my body began to wake up to a new authentic, physical and integral sexuality.

Only by abstaining for a period of intense self-examination and reflection on my sexual history and origins did this happen.

Funny enough, the csa piece remained suppressed until several years later when my perp died and my father had passed-I think family loyalty and a deep feeling of un-safety kept the csa piece buried until I was strong and free enough to face it.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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