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#346781 - 12/01/10 10:42 PM Poor Reaction
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 599
Loc: USA
Hey guys,

I did something stupid and shameful today. I hate my reaction. Somebody I work with jokingly grabbed my chest from behind to give me a purple nurple. I was not ready and instinctively turned around and socked him right in the nose giving him a bloody nose without even thinking about it. Thank God he took it whole heartedly and started to laugh instead of running to my boss or slugging me back.

I just can't get over my reaction. I'm not the kinda guy who goes around starting fights, I don't know what came over me. What if he did care, I could have been fired. What if it was somebody else, somebody who can't take a hit or even worse somebody who I could have hurt.

I don't know I'm just not a violent person and that little outburst kinda scared me.


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#346782 - 12/01/10 10:53 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Riley]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I'm not sure where you work but in my experience in the trades that incident would get you a good reputation.
I think its good that unconsciously you reacted to defend yourself from an assault. I think if you'd have seen it coming and did nothing, you'd feel worse than you do for giving the guy a bloody nose.
I don't think its worth it that you worry about what might have been. It didn't happen that way. In any case what you don't say is that if someone less good natured had done it they would have been just as guilty as this fella and you just as guiltless.

I say don't worry about it.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#346824 - 12/02/10 06:09 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: kidneythis]
john38 Offline


Registered: 10/21/10
Posts: 90
Loc: Pasadena CA
Hey Riley,

I hear you bro. Sometime it's so easy to give way to an immediate survivor reaction without even thinking. A part of you probably felt violated and unsafe and that's why you responded the way you did. You were triggered and appeared from the way I read it to be having a PTSD response. I just want you to know that it's okay to have boundaries and to tell the guys that you don't want them coming up from behind and grabbing you because you may not be able to control how you act. Some people have no clue that there are survivors in the world that can drop into their old stuff real easily. None the less, we don't have to beat ourselves up for it. It's what we do as survivors. Although we don't want to be at the effect of our hypervigilence triggers all the time, as we continue to do our safety making work with our inner kid, the types of responses like the one you had do diminish. Live and learn, and instead of beating yourself up, you may want to consider comforting yourself and the part that was triggered by the other guy's deed.

Anyways, that's what works for me. Good luck.

John+

_________________________
Just for today I will treat myself with respect, compassion and acceptance.

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#346845 - 12/02/10 02:48 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: john38]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
I have also found that some instinct has kicked in at the wrong time. In the past when a person was putting her hand out to me in an affectionate way i instinctively grabbed it with force and stopped it. Then i felt bad, and felt quite shocked within myself. This has happened a number of times. Our body reacts in this way before our minds even recognise it- what do they call that? I don't remember, but it is true, the action comes before our conscious brain processes it, so i agree with the others, you definitely can't beat yourself up over this. I get it though, i know what you mean when you say you are shocked at yourself for reacting in such a way. It almost impedes on how you think of your own nature, but remember that some of these defence mechanisms are particularly sensitive for us not because of our own fault (or intrinsic nature) but because of how our personal space and bodies were invaded in the past. For that you can't be blamed, and it doesn't make you a bad person, as you have said yourself, "i'm just not a violent person". This doesn't change that.

Lewis


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#346885 - 12/02/10 06:44 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: king tut]
tommyb Offline


Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 917
Loc: American South
__________


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#353120 - 02/08/11 11:09 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: tommyb]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hey it happens do not be too hard

I for one think that is bad to do to someone

u can hurt someone bad doing that

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#353127 - 02/09/11 12:26 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: michael Joseph]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Riley,
Lots of people might react the same way, suvivor or not, no shame in that if you ask me....I think that if you're clear to the people there that you didn't mean it, people won't be afraid of what you might do next...
All the best
steve


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#353134 - 02/09/11 02:20 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Awake at Last Offline


Registered: 12/12/10
Posts: 77
Loc: Chicago Land
Hi Riley,
I agree with everyone who said this kind of hyper-vigilance and reaction to having your boundaries crossed is not something to feel bad about.

It is something many of us know about. It doesn't mean you are going to become violent. You were triggered and responded.

Having gone through this and thinking about it will probably mean it is less likely to happen in the future.

On the bright side you learned something.
Take it easy.
Jim


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#353167 - 02/09/11 11:31 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Awake at Last]
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I thunk u were cool too riley

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#353182 - 02/09/11 03:04 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Riley]
Sobernow Offline


Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma
Riley:

Don't know how to say this really ---- but here goes:

WAY TO GO BUDDY !!!!



Sorry, my T may not approve of my recommendation towards violence --- but wtf.


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#353188 - 02/09/11 05:42 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: king tut]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 2695
Loc: durham, north england
Originally Posted By: king tut
I have also found that some instinct has kicked in at the wrong time. In the past when a person was putting her hand out to me in an affectionate way i instinctively grabbed it with force and stopped it. Then i felt bad, and felt quite shocked within myself.


Wow Lewis, I could've written that word for word myself, you've really hit the nail exactly there.

I actually have this trouble most of the time, because people assume if you have a visual imparement that they not only have the right to touch me unexpectedly, but that they are being helpful.

I'll frequently have someone grab hold of my arm to shepherd me off a train or across a road on a dayly basis.

If a person asks me if I require help, I feel in control and can legitimately say no, but there are those people who don't ask, just assume that sinse I have disfunctional eyeballs I have no right to personal space at all.

On a good day I can simply ignore this, on a bad one I've been known to shove people off with a fair degree of force, where upon I feel guilty, ---- even though i know a person's intentions are primarily directed at a social idea of what a "disabled person" is like, and not to be helpful to me personally, ---- if trying to be helpful to me, people would attribute me with the inteligence to answer a question as to whether I want help or not.

As for physical jokes like the one you describe rily, I can't think of anything more triggering to me, and frankly I might well react the same way.

That was indeed how a lot of my abuse started, unexpected physical jokes which got progressively more serious, and on one occasion at the age of 15 when a teacher tapped me on the shoulder I did turn round and close to sprain her wrist, which earned me a massive yelling at just because of what had happened previously.

People who engage in this sort of humour with no care for the sensativity of the person frankly, are at the least idiots, at the worst directly harmful, sadistic bastards.

While I am also very much against violence, and would never recommend it to anyone, I will say this chap at your work got what he deserved for engaging in that sort of potentially harmful joke with you without any understanding of your own feelings.


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#353200 - 02/09/11 07:27 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: dark empathy]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
I see nothing stupid or shameful about your reaction-it is entirely within the bounds of normal in my book.

Stupid and shameful is what this guy tried to do, so why do you take that on for yourself?

Just my two cents. I am proud for your reaction!

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#353207 - 02/09/11 08:36 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Mountainous Buck]
Riley Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 599
Loc: USA
Thanks for all the support guys, I appreciate it. I posted this a few months ago and have not had any "outbursts" since then. Although nobody has grabbed me at work since then and all my friends already know I dislike being grabbed.


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#353273 - 02/10/11 02:36 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Sobernow]
BDD Offline


Registered: 01/27/11
Posts: 393
Loc: PA, USA
Riley,
Years ago a boss of mine snuck up behind me while I was unlocking the front door. Luckily he ducked, because I was aiming for his eyes. I'm so glad I didn't hurt him. He took it very well and said he would be a fool to ever startle me again. We found other ways to joke around and are still friends to this day.

Don't feel bad. Why should you be ready to be grabbed from behind? I don't think you should be.

_________________________
Bri
Owning It https://owningitlog.wordpress.com

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#353275 - 02/10/11 02:53 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: BDD]
r.m. Offline


Registered: 01/18/11
Posts: 106
Riley,

I can clearly remember the first date with my wife, 10+ years ago before my memories of abuse resurfaced. We went to a "haunted house" put on by the Red Cross. So, we're going through the maze in the pitch dark and one of these guys working as a "zombie" thought he would be a smart one and try to scare the pants off of me, a 6'2" 215lb man. Little did he know of my hyper-vigilance and my sometimes over-willingness to act on it. He came up behind me and I laid him out cold. I was so sorry that I did and didn't realize I was capable of such things. I kept apologizing, but it turns out they're "trained" to not touch people because stuff like this happens. Yeah it does. He donated blood that night...through his nose.

It happens to the best of us, friend.

r.m.


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#353277 - 02/10/11 03:02 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: r.m.]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
I guess you've never seen this video before smile

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VO1PJZCKgNQ

Don't worry, dude - sounds like a normal reaction. Squeezing a nipple is physically painful and is also considered assault and battery. Your buddy laughed it off because he'd be the one disciplined, not you.


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