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#346781 - 12/01/10 10:42 PM Poor Reaction
Riley Offline

Registered: 01/11/09
Posts: 599
Loc: USA
Hey guys,

I did something stupid and shameful today. I hate my reaction. Somebody I work with jokingly grabbed my chest from behind to give me a purple nurple. I was not ready and instinctively turned around and socked him right in the nose giving him a bloody nose without even thinking about it. Thank God he took it whole heartedly and started to laugh instead of running to my boss or slugging me back.

I just can't get over my reaction. I'm not the kinda guy who goes around starting fights, I don't know what came over me. What if he did care, I could have been fired. What if it was somebody else, somebody who can't take a hit or even worse somebody who I could have hurt.

I don't know I'm just not a violent person and that little outburst kinda scared me.

#346782 - 12/01/10 10:53 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Riley]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
I'm not sure where you work but in my experience in the trades that incident would get you a good reputation.
I think its good that unconsciously you reacted to defend yourself from an assault. I think if you'd have seen it coming and did nothing, you'd feel worse than you do for giving the guy a bloody nose.
I don't think its worth it that you worry about what might have been. It didn't happen that way. In any case what you don't say is that if someone less good natured had done it they would have been just as guilty as this fella and you just as guiltless.

I say don't worry about it.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#346824 - 12/02/10 06:09 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: kidneythis]
john38 Offline

Registered: 10/21/10
Posts: 90
Loc: Pasadena CA
Hey Riley,

I hear you bro. Sometime it's so easy to give way to an immediate survivor reaction without even thinking. A part of you probably felt violated and unsafe and that's why you responded the way you did. You were triggered and appeared from the way I read it to be having a PTSD response. I just want you to know that it's okay to have boundaries and to tell the guys that you don't want them coming up from behind and grabbing you because you may not be able to control how you act. Some people have no clue that there are survivors in the world that can drop into their old stuff real easily. None the less, we don't have to beat ourselves up for it. It's what we do as survivors. Although we don't want to be at the effect of our hypervigilence triggers all the time, as we continue to do our safety making work with our inner kid, the types of responses like the one you had do diminish. Live and learn, and instead of beating yourself up, you may want to consider comforting yourself and the part that was triggered by the other guy's deed.

Anyways, that's what works for me. Good luck.


Just for today I will treat myself with respect, compassion and acceptance.

#346845 - 12/02/10 02:48 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: john38]
king tut Offline

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2488
Loc: UK
I have also found that some instinct has kicked in at the wrong time. In the past when a person was putting her hand out to me in an affectionate way i instinctively grabbed it with force and stopped it. Then i felt bad, and felt quite shocked within myself. This has happened a number of times. Our body reacts in this way before our minds even recognise it- what do they call that? I don't remember, but it is true, the action comes before our conscious brain processes it, so i agree with the others, you definitely can't beat yourself up over this. I get it though, i know what you mean when you say you are shocked at yourself for reacting in such a way. It almost impedes on how you think of your own nature, but remember that some of these defence mechanisms are particularly sensitive for us not because of our own fault (or intrinsic nature) but because of how our personal space and bodies were invaded in the past. For that you can't be blamed, and it doesn't make you a bad person, as you have said yourself, "i'm just not a violent person". This doesn't change that.



#346885 - 12/02/10 06:44 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: king tut]
tommyb Offline

Registered: 11/29/10
Posts: 903
Loc: American South

#353120 - 02/08/11 11:09 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: tommyb]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
hey it happens do not be too hard

I for one think that is bad to do to someone

u can hurt someone bad doing that

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#353127 - 02/09/11 12:26 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: michael Joseph]
RecoveryReady1 Offline

Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
Lots of people might react the same way, suvivor or not, no shame in that if you ask me....I think that if you're clear to the people there that you didn't mean it, people won't be afraid of what you might do next...
All the best

#353134 - 02/09/11 02:20 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: RecoveryReady1]
Awake at Last Offline

Registered: 12/12/10
Posts: 77
Loc: Chicago Land
Hi Riley,
I agree with everyone who said this kind of hyper-vigilance and reaction to having your boundaries crossed is not something to feel bad about.

It is something many of us know about. It doesn't mean you are going to become violent. You were triggered and responded.

Having gone through this and thinking about it will probably mean it is less likely to happen in the future.

On the bright side you learned something.
Take it easy.

#353167 - 02/09/11 11:31 AM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Awake at Last]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I thunk u were cool too riley

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#353182 - 02/09/11 03:04 PM Re: Poor Reaction [Re: Riley]
Sobernow Offline

Registered: 05/17/10
Posts: 256
Loc: Oklahoma

Don't know how to say this really ---- but here goes:


Sorry, my T may not approve of my recommendation towards violence --- but wtf.

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