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#345305 - 11/15/10 03:58 PM SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head?
somanyquestions Offline


Registered: 11/08/10
Posts: 9
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
How do you now if you're really gay, straight or bi and if it's SSA from abuse or if you were actually born gay and just happened to have been abused as a kid, thus causing so much sexual confusion?

I remember thinking, "Wow, this is what life is about" many times being with women sexually. When I am with women now I worry though that if they knew of my childhood and adult SSA they would freak out so I have no lasting male/female sexual relationships.

Being with men seems to be about getting them to service me, get me off. The power over them (NOT forcing them to do anything but in the fact that it is my decision letting them blow me.) I do like to tell them how to do it and am very verbal in this regard. I am in control of the situation, it is my decision. I'm thinking this ssa is a result of not being in control as a kid.

The only way I'm really interested in getting a guy off is if I go in my head that I'm a young boy again and it's our secret and I won't tell anyone and neither will he. I want to be a good boy for him.

After ejaculation I just am not into men, don't want a relationship with one, don't think it's right for me. I'm not into male intercourse even as a 'top'.

I have no issue with gay people, but don't see that as my lifestyle, either in a loving male/male relationship or single and out and about.

But now I'm trapped as I've had sex with men and women, I've never married and I'm 43.

Any other guys understand this? In this mental chaos?

Ideas, suggestions, stories greatly appreciated. How do you married men deal with SSA based on what you think is from CSA?


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#345331 - 11/15/10 07:47 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: somanyquestions]
Ever-fixed Mark Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/02/10
Posts: 732
Loc: United States
I was grappling with my CSA and my attraction to men at the same time. I did the best I could to tease the two apart to try and understand them.

Prior to my abuse at 12 years old, I have memories of connections with boys my own age that I really liked. I knew I liked them but I didn't understand that it was any different to what other boys felt. Looking back now I can recognize those feelings as a gentle and non-sexual attraction to them.

I slept with my girlfriend but it was clear that after the glow of losing my virginity faded I wasn't that interested in sex and it felt like something was missing. I fantasized about guys and after a dream filled with obvious symbolism I realized that I was gay.

This was proven to me when I had my first instance of "the thunderbolt". That's when you meet someone for the first time and they are so cute and attractive that your brain turns to mush and you become a gibbering idiot. This has happened to me only a few times.

For me, I looked at how I felt with men and women and considered who I fantasized about and why.

-efm

_________________________

Everybody here's got a story to tell
Everybody's been through their own hell
There's nothing too special about getting hurt
Getting over it, that takes the work

- "Duck and Cover" by Glen Phillips

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#345387 - 11/16/10 07:52 AM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: Ever-fixed Mark]
diamondheart Offline
Member

Registered: 02/25/01
Posts: 163
Loc: Michigan
I can understand how it could all be confusing. Many guys question their own sexuality without having CSA! So I can see why CSA would add to that confusion.

I am not sure if you watched Oprah's episode on CSA for males? I got this from Oprah's Website and thought it might help you:

When boys are abused by men, Dr. Howard Fradkin says they may experience sexual pleasure and enjoy the attention, but that doesn't mean these boys are homosexual. "Sexual orientation is determined early on in life, probably by age 4 or 5, and most abuse happens after that," he says. "It's not that the sexual abuse causes sexual orientation. It's that people get confused about it because they don't know what to feel about that connection they felt."

Have you ever considered therapy? It might help you sort it all out.

Hope this helps. Hang in there.


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#345400 - 11/16/10 09:39 AM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: diamondheart]
Mountainous Buck Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/15/09
Posts: 1631
Loc: Minnesota
Hey so many-
Welcome to MS-there's a ton to read here that if you r like me, you can relate strongly to- I acted out sexually for a long time-in much the same way you describe. I feared intimacy more than anything even tho I was attracted to women I just wouldn't let mysf be vulnerable and emotional-

By doing a lot of rigorous inventory of myself I have move towards ambetter life with health nurturing sexuality that is loyal beautiful and freeing. Much of my growth occurred in a twelve step program for sexual compulsion-that's how far I went in pursuit of relief-constantly acting out sexually.

The principles of abstaining from harmful isolating sexual behaviors and opening up in a community of other recovering men helped me work thru the shame, start to discover the true me buried deep down, and to embrace my own truth no matter what.

To learn more-click on my name fr my profile and list of posts going back eleven months. Today has ben 8 1/2 years since I last acted out sexually in desperation for relief power control and yes vengeance towards other males-it's painful to admit, but that s part of my story-the harm I did to other men who were seking connection acceptance and love.

_________________________
We have to take responsibility for what we're not responsible for.

�It doesn't matter where you've come from,
It matters where you go" Frank Turner

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#346571 - 11/29/10 05:21 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: somanyquestions]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
SMQ,

I read your post here when you first posted it on 11/15. I did NOT want to admit for me that I am in the same situation as you as far as having sexual experiences with men.

I have been in a relationship with a man for 8 years as well.

BUT, I am struggling within myself with the question what do I want sexually.

We are NOT alone and are here together.

Great post btw

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

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#347120 - 12/05/10 02:57 AM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: Avery46]
lgdan84 Offline


Registered: 07/11/10
Posts: 29
Loc: California
SMQ,
I feel exactly your situation. i was abused by my babysitters son around the age 6-8 (cant remember the exact age). It makes me angry inside, and built up hatred. i have feelings of SSA, but have never acted out on them and have no desire to be in a relationship with another man. although it is very hard for me to become emotional and passionate with women. this also is very frustrating for me. i dont understand why i cant do this if i am attracted to women, "so i must be gay", but im not if i dont want any sexual relations with one" wtf is going on?. i am 26 and there are several women i am attracted to but i feel that i cant give them the emotional support and compassion they deserve, so i don't pursue any of them (reasons why i have never been in a serious relationship). i dont trust people, i dont believe their word, i have no emotional support, i have no feelings.

I have been to a therapist, only once, it is too expensive for me to continue going.

I get the feeling that people around me are starting to think im gay because i never try to go out and meet people, or like talking about sex, or when a girl is into me i dont act out on the opportunity. i dont want to explain to them what my feelings are and all the chaos thats going on in my head.

"I have no issue with gay people, but don't see that as my lifestyle, either in a loving male/male relationship or single and out and about." i too feel this way

I just dont feel "normal" like something in me is missing. for the past 7 months i have been trying to figure it all out, and its mentally draining on me. this has led me to isolate myself from friends, i dont go out anymore, and its all very depressing.

Youre not alone

Dan


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#352578 - 02/01/11 10:19 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: somanyquestions]
sake134 Offline


Registered: 11/12/10
Posts: 13
Loc: NJ. Essex
Hi,
new here and never posted anything before! smirk

I have been confused a lot and ran many miles before I could or attemped to stand still and think about what I am and whom I am....I never knew and sometimes even today..their are doubts. I am still running and spent many years working it out in therapy (10) years and still didn't got a crystal clear picture of whom or what I was sexually. maybe it was the wrong therapist but needed that mother figure to feel wholesome and she captured me until I had enough and broke the chain.
I never gave up and found another therapist whom I felt comfortable with and she diagnosed me with DID. which made sense to me and feel much more in control after I acknowledge it.
there was abuse in my family, brothers and sisters alike, it never stoped, the environment was such that we all needed to survive in a cold and neglected family and just for me it became to much and what "DID" is known for helped saved my life in many ways. my whole life I ran away, to different countries and never felt deeply connected to anyone. I learned to live with my significant other and my wife today, she knows how bad it can be. She should have thrown me out of the house a long time ago and she didn't. many times I feel I don't deserve my steph-childeren or my wife, because I feel not truly a deep/attached/sincere connection with them and it feel like a show."I am the husband with no feelings of connecting and fail over and over.All I want is still run into the younger attractive guys and sex is always on my mind.24 hours a day, it never leaves me alone..I wake up with it and I go to bed with it...what a drag! They are all grown now and I never ever touched them sexually "thank God". I loved them as much I could do and did the best I knew how to love... I still miss a part of my life...how to connect to my significant other and my wife as wholesome I wish I could.
My entire story will come soon from the beginning as a young child till current.
I am not sure if I actually did answer any questions, but understand "somanyquestions" randomly I will get to the fine print of my life ..
thanks!


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#365832 - 07/12/11 01:10 AM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: sake134]
overcomer4life Offline


Registered: 02/25/09
Posts: 198
LOVE THIS!!!!!!!! So many lessons taught (and definitely learned)!


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#365844 - 07/12/11 07:18 AM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: somanyquestions]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 282
Loc: New York City
I'm 45 and never married and have had similar issues. Had sex with men after my abuse at age 13 until my mid 20's but still had confused sexual feelings for men. I too wasn't interested in a man after the sex - I think it was about both of us using each other.

I didn't control in the way you did but the entire acting out experience from beginning to end with me wanting to leave immediately after was about controlling a situation that was incredibly confusing to my young brain. I was molested by a stranger and it felt good (ultimately leading me to very bad situations) and that good feeling really did a number on me. After that, I felt like if a guy was attracted to me, I had some power. Just him being attracted was enough for me to feel powerful - the sex was just a necessary evil. All I wanted was to be noticed and once sex got involved, it was all screwed up.

I get the whole reenacting of the good boy/man fantasy in your head. I think its our young boy brains trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense. To be sexually abused is to be treated like an object in a totally secret way that is used against us or it was used against me, at least.

I am in the same mental chaos. I have limited experience with women and I am now getting angry (finally!) about my missed out, confused life. I'd rather be angry now because I am starting to move forward instead of standing still. Its not easy. It means being honest with myself first and then with others.

_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#366038 - 07/15/11 06:52 PM Re: SSA, sexuality, what is going on in my head? [Re: diamondheart]
thefutureorbust Offline


Registered: 04/24/11
Posts: 171
Loc: NC
Originally Posted By: diamondheart
I can understand how it could all be confusing. Many guys question their own sexuality without having CSA! So I can see why CSA would add to that confusion.

I am not sure if you watched Oprah's episode on CSA for males? I got this from Oprah's Website and thought it might help you:

When boys are abused by men, Dr. Howard Fradkin says they may experience sexual pleasure and enjoy the attention, but that doesn't mean these boys are homosexual. "Sexual orientation is determined early on in life, probably by age 4 or 5, THERS IS NOTHING CONCLUSIVE TO PROVE THIS. OUR SEXUALITY IS ON A CONTINIOUM WHERE ALMOST ALL OF US HAVE THE CAPACITY TO BE INVOLVED SEXUALLY, EMOTIONALLY OR INTELECTUALLY WITH EITHER SEX AT SOME POINT IN OUR LIVES..OUR GENETICS AND ENVIORMENT DURING CHILDHOOD MAY SHAPE US IN ONE DIRECTION OR ANOTHER BUT FOR ANYONE TO MAKE A BOLD "SET IN STONE" STATEMENT ABOUT SEXUALITY IS ACTING IRESPONSIBILE. THERE IS A MAN ON THIS VERY MESSAGE BOARD WHO SPENT 22 YEARS OF HIS LIFE A GAY MAN..LIVED WITH MEN, FELL IN LOVE ETC BUT MADE A CONNECTION TO HIS ABUSE AND HIS LIFESTYLE. EVEN THOUGH HE WAS ACTING "OUT OF LOVE" IT WAS ALL TIED TO HIS ABUSE AS HE REALIZED HE WAS SEEKING OUT THAT MALE LOVE AND ATTENTION THAT WAS MISSING FROM HIS LIFE POST ABUSE . HES NOW MARRIED WITH CHILDREN AND IS ONLY SEXUAL WITH HIS WIFE. NO HE DIDNT GO THROUGH "REPARTIVE THERAPHY" HE MADE THE CONNECTION AND MADE A CHOICE. SEXUALITY EVOLVES AND CHANGES BUT IS NOT FIXED AT 5 YEARS OLD. and most abuse happens after that," he says. "It's not that the sexual abuse causes sexual orientation. It's that people get confused about it because they don't know what to feel about that connection they felt."

Have you ever considered therapy? It might help you sort it all out.

Hope this helps. Hang in there.


_________________________
"What does not kill me makes me stronger"

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