You are not studid or a loser. Every word you write here shows you are a strong, brave, proud man who is working very hard to overcome some terrible things.
And last night another terrible thing happened. You say that you did it but really THEY did this to you again.
It is THEIR bad, stupid, loser ideas that you acted on. Not your ideas.
But why does this happen? Why do you let them still convince you to punish yourself ?
Here are some ideas to think about.
The last few days, you have written some very important posts here. They are strong posts, very powerful and very emotional.
You wrote about your friend who is in the abusive relationship. How it reminds you and triggers you. How bad you feel that you can not help her, and now you must tell her that you cannot listen anymore, cannot be there for her.
This is very stressful for you, and is maybe the most immediate problem that is making you feel bad.
You also wrote about sex. That was very stressful for you too. And you were nervous about any women reading it, so it was even more difficult for you. But you were brave and strong again, and you wrote what was on your mind and in your heart.
Good for you for doing that Leosha. But again, it brings up very bad feelings and bad memories for you. More bad feelings added on top of the ones about your friend you cannot help.
And a third thing you wrote recently. A most excellent letter to your mother. A wonderful letter, full of love and strength and pride. Words from a strong man, telling the truth, and asking for what he needs.
But even this letter, as wonderful as it is, is more stress. I bet you wonder if you should send it. And you worry about what the answers will be. You worry even IF there will be an answer, or you will feel like you have no mother.
I think all of these things together pushed you over the edge last night. You were feeling so bad, so helpless and useless, and scared too.
The voices from your past took over and you knew again you had to be punished. So you did this thing again.
But see, it wasn't you doing it. It was THEIR stupid loser ideas that you believed again for a little while.
You believed them because maybe you are working too hard on too many things all at once. And you have been sick, and not sleeping and not eating, so you are physically weak too.
Leosha. One thing at a time, little brother.
You must get healthy first to be strong in your mind to deal with this things. That is the main thing.
The letter is good, and a good idea, but you can send that anytime. It doesn't have to be now, or next week. That can wait.
Everything about sex is very important. And maybe this is the thing you should be working on with your therapist. It is a good goal. You deserve a happy life which includes love and sex.
It will take time so you must have patience. It will get better. There are steps and exercises you can do to learn to enjoy your own body and sex. You can do that Leosha, but you have to focus on that, or let it go for a while. Believe me, there is time, and it will be better.
It's sad that we have to LEARN these things when we are older, and fear them, when everyone else just seems to have it come naturally, but I think that we end up appreciating and understanding Love and Sex better than someone who doesn't have to struggle for it.
As for your friend, you must separate from her. Maybe not completely, but you can back off a little. Maybe only see her or talk to her once a week. Find a balance and limit your contact with her. Maybe when you are stronger and feeling better you can really help her.
It is very common for survivors to be helpers. They do anything for other people so they don't have to help or think about themselves. There is a saying, maybe in Russia too, "Misery loves Company".
People who are hurt and feeling bad like to be around other people like that, even if the hurts are different. But sometimes, one of the people changes and being around the other one just makes them feel bad, especially if they cannot help, or the other person won't listen.
You have to take care of YOU FIRST, Leosha.
Please. All these things you are working so hard on. Slow down a little. Get healthy. Stay healthy. Then you will be strong to deal with the next thing and then the next.
Each one is hard, and makes you feel bad and stupid again, AND YOU ARE NOT BAD OR STUPID.
YOU ARE NOT BAD OR STUPID.
Don't let those stupid voices and echoes tell you you need to be punished. You do nothing wrong except maybe try too hard, try to do too much all at once.
Please read the article at this link http://www.malesurvivor.org/Professionals/Articles/singer2.htm
If the lanuguage is hard for you, then send a PM to Ken Singer, who wrote it. I know him. He's a good man and he will help you understand it better.
I know you are a long way from home, and no family here, but don't ever forget there are many Brothers and Uncles here who care about you and are thinking of you eveyday.
Good things are coming Alexei, very good things. Sometimes they come all at once, all by themselves, but sometimes we need to work on them slowly, one thing at a time.