Newest Members
WaJoKo, eartherncuppatea, jakesweden, JugglingDave, Dan981
13842 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
DanielB (43), forth (57), KazuKun (40), Marinan (35), overcomer4life (46), wonderifandwhen (59)
Who's Online
3 registered (betrayed boy, 2 invisible), 37 Guests and 3 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,842 Registered Members
75 Forums
72,038 Topics
503,418 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#346150 - 11/24/10 11:40 AM Pissed off for not being happy [triggers]
Survivinguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 318
Loc: Colorado
A loving wife and two wonderful kids.
A stable and satisfying job that sufficiently provides for my family.
Four or five close friends that know about my childhood and understand the best they can.
A faith that works for me.
Relatively good health for forty.
A nice home in a safe neighborhood.
Roughly twelve years of therapy off and on.
Medications to help with anxiety, depression and sleep.

Why the f*ck can't I be happy, content, appreciative, present or the slightest bit joyful on a consistent basis? Thankful even?

Body tremors, body memories, newly recovered memories, anger, sadness, depression, hopelessness.

How the fuck can I feel hopeless when I have so much to be thankful for!?!? Why can't I be happy or just fucking content!! Why do I have to keep having more memories?

I get it - I was abused a long fucking time by several people in ugly, brutal ways. I was molested, photographed, raped, sold for sex and physically tortured by my dad for ten years. I was raped by two other men in a child sex ring. I was molested, "shared" and raped by my brother for six or seven years. And it all ended when I was about sixteen. Twenty-four fucking years ago - when is it time to move the FUCK on?

I'm tired of this shit.

I don't do drugs, I don't drink myself drunk, I quit cutting 18 months ago, I still torment myself with chatting online roleplaying as a "willing" victim on occasion, I have conquered my rage, seeing photos of myself as a child breaks my hurt and triggers the hell out of me and the thought of going back to the city of my childhood nearly criples me.

Why do I still feel so powerless when I have so much under control?

I feel angry, weak, stupid and engrossed in self-pity.

fuck

I want to be healthy and happy. I want to be a survivor but I feel like such a fucking victim.

_________________________
Survivinguy

============================================
I have to survive and I hope to thrive.

Alumni Dahlonega WoR May 2010
Alumni Sequoia WoR March 2012

Top
#346152 - 11/24/10 11:49 AM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: Survivinguy]
brother2none Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/30/09
Posts: 272
Loc: undisclosed
I don't have the answers for me either but I want to say I understand how you feel and it makes me feel less alone and crazy when I read your post, that what I'm feeling is from the abuse and yes I am struggling to be content and happy. I hear the hopelessness in your words. I know.

_________________________
Link to PA Grand Jury Report on Clergy Abuse (Redacted) issued Aug 14, 2018. Link: http://media-downloads.pacourts.us/InterimRedactedReportandResponses.pdf?cb=22148

Top
#346153 - 11/24/10 12:24 PM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: brother2none]
Ischyros Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/10
Posts: 78
Loc: Los Angeles, CA
Hey Survivinguy,

Thanks for these rigorously honest and very brave words.

Although the details of our abuse histories differ, I can so relate to feeling painfully stranded somewhere between complete, unrecovered victimhood and deep, lasting healing. You have come so far, worked so hard in your recovery, and achieved so much. It's an incredible testimony to your courage, tenacity and integrity. You see the fruit of all of that hard work in your life - faith, family, career. And yet you (I should say "we") feel the constant undertow of grief, fear, sorrow, craziness. It's just always there. Some days I look around at the good things in my life and acknowledge the blessings recovery has brought me - and that makes me feel worse! I think, "(*@#^!!! What is my damn problem? Why am I not more fixed? Why if this and this and THIS is good in my life do I still feel so friggin crazy? I've led a life of mediocrity and now I have a mediocre recovery, too?"

But of course that's just crazy thinking. It's crazy because at those moments we are seeing ourselves in a distorted mirror. In those moments we're seeing ourselves not as we are, but through the eyes and actions of our perps and abusers. We are seeing ourselves not as we are, but as our abusers saw and treated us. And buying into that utterly false image of ourselves which our perps taught us, in their viciousness and self-absorption, made (and makes) us crazy.

Perps see us as tools, as means to their ends of their own psychosexual gratification. The fact that we're human is just secondary to them. They have nothing else to offer us.

Now you have the chance to see yourself through the eyes and actions of brothers who know and honor and love you. There are people in your life who see in you all of the courage and tenacity and success and compassion and talent and recovery you can't see in yourself at the moment. And this brother, who does love you, sees all of that in you, and more.

We do recover, my friend!

_________________________
Proud survivor and WoR alumnus - Sequoia, April 2010

I want to live in the world
Not inside my head
I want to live in the world
I want to stand and be counted
With the hopeful and the willing
With the open and the strong...

--Jackson Browne, "Alive In the World"

Top
#346154 - 11/24/10 01:09 PM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: Ischyros]
nltsaved Offline


Registered: 08/26/08
Posts: 943
Loc: Kc,Mo
the enemy is real

_________________________
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-uYCAfpxrY
TRIGGER WARNING
Video of me telling my story
you are not alone never were.

Why I hate Religion but love Jesus
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1IAhDGYlpqY

Top
#346163 - 11/24/10 02:07 PM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: Survivinguy]
SamV Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5973
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
WoR Brother,

Yes, we have it all, and we have nothing inside.

Why not? There is a saying, "evict the demon, and invite the Devil."

All the shame and guilt is gone, the fear is anger and resentment, but that too is leaving.

In the beginning of recovery, one needs to research, learn and apply. Why is the same not true for post recovery?

Who taught us to live full, rich, content, joyful lives? Are we qualified? Who is?

They are out there.

Maybe the answer is closer than it looks.

Dahlonega WoRrior, rest, then, continue to track your hunt.

Sam

_________________________
MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

Top
#346252 - 11/25/10 02:44 PM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: Survivinguy]
Avery46 Offline


Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Survivinguy
A loving wife and two wonderful kids.
A stable and satisfying job that sufficiently provides for my family.
Four or five close friends that know about my childhood and understand the best they can.
A faith that works for me.
Relatively good health for forty.
A nice home in a safe neighborhood.
Roughly twelve years of therapy off and on.
Medications to help with anxiety, depression and sleep.


SG,

I say the following with all of the kindness in my heart.

I read your post yesterday and this morning. Both times I thought wow - I have no words of support. I realized a few moments ago that I was thinking about your list above. It seems you base your life on the "things" in your list. I was doing the same.

I have NO family. I am single. I have friends. I have NO faith that "works" for me. I live a very small apartment in an ok neighborhood. I have questionable health - had heart attack 4 years ago - I am in my mid-40's. If I was to base my life on the criteria you mention above I should be dead.

Now to be blunt but with all of the kindness from my heart -
I think your using your situation to validate being more hurt. The hurt you feel is valid in itself. Your perp(s) validated their sick behavior on YOUR situation.

It is ok to feel the hurt your feeling.

Your a good man.

Hope your having as best a day as possible.

Donnie

_________________________
aka DJsport

Top
#346254 - 11/25/10 02:56 PM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: Survivinguy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Survivinguy,

I'm sorry you had such a rough time. Sometimes if you are doing the right stuff, as you are, you just have to keep going until the light breaks through.

Those traumatic memories are stored in our brains in areas not immediately accessible to our conscious mind. I had to have some other techniques like EMDR and light hypnotherapy in order to work with that pain.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


Top
#346262 - 11/25/10 07:02 PM Re: Pissed off for not being happy [triggers] [Re: pufferfish]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
I think maybe be a bit more gentle with yourself brother. Like you said its only 18 months since you stopped cutting and with all the resat of the stuff you listed you really do need to give yourself credit and be patient. It isn't going to just happen, its part of a process. by the time you see it has happened it will have been going on for a while.

My technique is to enjoy it when I feel good and to try to do something new or to learn something new. When I feel bad and think I shouldn't I try to remind myself that its going to end and I will feel good again. Then I try to do something new or constructive and try to let myself be. I cannot control how I feel only how it makes me react when I notice it.

_________________________
As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

Top

Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND at the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.