these words really resonate me. I am still processing Earl's "coming back from war" analogy... it is a very good one.
i worry about whether or not I am feeling too much or too little, and then I worry that I am not expressing the right amount of emotion. Sometimes I have a flood of these feelings and I don't even know where they are coming from, and I have to temper that flood and keep the tears from flowing, and then there are times when I can't feel anything at all for anyone. My sister cries over the littlest things... not getting the day off she wanted, not getting enough sleep, some potential boyfriend not calling her back. It's not worth getting all broken up about it, but I find myself saying that to myself when I start to process all that has gone on in the past year. What would crying do, anyway?
I am still trying to figure out why I barely reacted at all while my wife was pregnant with our son. I wasnt' there for her. I have no respect for men that do things like walk out on their wife & kids, I hate self-absorbtion and I think men who don't take responsibility for their children are idiots, but I was that idiot for those 9 months. I couldn't be bothered to care about that little life. I was that useless deadbeat I hated ,and I know it killed my wife to feel like she was going through that pregnancy alone with very little support from me. I remember the way she cried when she showed me paint colors for the nursery and I didn't care which shade of blue she wanted. what is the difference between "cornflower" and "forget me not"? i dont' freaking know. it's not like my name is on the mortgage or i even had any say in buying the freaking house, now you want me to pick out a paint color? How about putting my name on the mortgage? How about not buying a HOUSE and moving all my stuff without even asking me? I screamed at her and made her cry, and I am an asshole for that because she did what she had to do.
i am only just starting to realize that there is life after abuse. there are dirty diapers and car payments and pediatrician's appointments and piano lessons and home renovations, and those things matter.
Edited by CruxFidelis (11/26/10 03:00 PM)
ďIf a man wishes to be sure of the road he treads on, he must close his eyes and walk in the dark.Ē
- Saint John of the Cross