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#345878 - 11/21/10 04:21 AM The need to confront
kaine Offline

Registered: 10/29/09
Posts: 20
Hello everyone. First of all, I'd like to thank all those who makes this board the safe space it is. You do more good than you know.

First, the background. My partner was abused as a teenager. He's now 24. The first time he told me was two weeks into our relationship. We've been together now for three years.

On occassion he'd suddenly become distant, or introverted. I eventually found out that his abuser still sent him messages, either by text or email. So, he changed his number, email address and such things. It stopped, for over a year now.

A few days ago, my partner was going through his emails (he has several different accounts linked to Thunderbird) and a message popped up from his abuser. Later that night we were making love and he couldn't sustain an erection. I told him it was fine, and he shouldn't feel under any pressure. That was when he told me about the email.

Though very calm with my partner, inwardly I was and still am raging inside. My partner showed me the email, and I assured him that it was right for him to tell me. It was totally innocuous on the face of it. But of course that sense of violation was there.

My partner does not wish to do anything about it, reckoning it probably won't happen again. He wants to ignore it. I can't help but feel that if I go along with that I'm failing to protect him. Simultaneously, if I confront his abuser, which he'd never agree to me doing, I would be deceiving him.

All advice, or just kind words are welcome and appreciated. I'm sure we've all, at times, felt powerless to help the ones we love.


#345922 - 11/21/10 03:41 PM Re: The need to confront [Re: kaine]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
Check out "Disclosure and Confrontation".

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse


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