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#34548 - 04/02/05 04:16 AM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...

I do not know your age, but I am an adult of 51yo, my abuse was at age 10yo.

It is so hard to get through this stuff, when it is fresh in your mind.

I went through all the embarrassing thoughts at school, feeling the odd one out, maybe the only one who was abused in the school.

I did not know, just how a normal kid should react to life, I felt like telling the whole world, just what the hurt felt like, but I felt imprisoned in my own mind, sometimes, I just felt like screaming out to others, just why I was so different.

It is a pity, that we are silenced through such an embarrassing thing that happens to us, something that we dare not discuss, and something that sets us apart from others, but do not distance yourself and feel so lonely, as this is so easy to do.

I never had any help as a kid, and it screwed me up, but I think you have what it takes to get through it.

I thought wrongly, that I was dirty, diseased and different from the other kids, it took so long to get away from that idea, or should I say conditioned response to SA.

I hope you can understand this,

take care,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#34549 - 04/02/05 05:18 AM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
Dude Offline

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 126
Loc: Fort Smith, AR
I understand where u comming from. I think it all depends on how far we actually are in dealing with it. Like 4 me, i 28 years old. But i no act like it a lot. Although i'm considered a adult, i no think i am. I still cry 4 no reason, i scared 2 b around people but then i scared 2 b alone, i hurt myself 2 deal with the pain n when things get 2 hard 4 me 2 deal with i run away inside n let someone else take over. i still bottle things up n no let them out n other things i not ready 2 talk about.
The one thing i learn is take what is useful 2 u today n save the rest for later. I do that a lot. People give me a lot of advice. Some of it helps me now, n some of it won't. I guess it would b nice if there were a lot of people ur age 2 talk 2. I sorry

#34550 - 04/02/05 05:22 AM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
Bobby Offline

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Dear Glaukos,

I don't want to burst your bubble, but there is no such thing as a grown up. There are just older and younger people. I know this because I'm an older person now and have in my past been a younger one. I speak from experience. All of my life I have been waiting for that magic time when I would be suddenly grown up. I thought that one day I would feel differently...that I would look at life differently...that I would have reached this wonderful thing called "maturity". Didn't happen. My mother died when she was 91 and it didn't happen for her either.

You are basically going to be the same person all of your life, Glaukos. It's the wrinkles that will make you look "mature". I am 60 and I still cry for no reason, am often scared of what's coming, and feel totally alone much of the time...abuse will sometimes do that to you no matter what age you are. I say lots of stupid things and enjoy it when my friends do the same. We see nothing wrong with that. I also have had times when I have considered hurting myself to disguise the mental pain, but I don't like to talk about that and I'm sure you don't either. It's not a good option no matter what your age.

So you see, Glaukos, the fact that there is something very different about "grown ups" is all in somebody's mind. It's a misconception that has been believed by the young throughout time and you have to wait until you're old and gray like me to finally see it for what it is. There is, however, some value in our having lived longer. We have made lots and lots of mistakes...many of them very damaging and painful...and more than anything we don't want you to have to make the same ones. We can save you a lot of time and a lot of hurt. We didn't want to listen to the "grown ups" when we were young either, but, boy could we have saved ourselves a lot of time and trouble if we had.

So, don't think of us as especially old or "grown-up", Glaukos. We really aren't all that different from you (well, my bones hurt quite a bit). We've just had lots of experiences that you haven't had time to have yet, and we'd feel a whole lot better about our mistakes if we thought someone could benefit from them.

And, by the way, Glaukos, we're all healing. We're talking together and acknowledging one another, and accepting one another and trusting one another, and most of all truly caring about one another. That's what healing is all about, and it can happen at any age. I'm not particularly mature, but I am a geezer and I have been around for awhile, and I'd be more than happy to talk to you at any time. Bobby

I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.

#34551 - 04/02/05 06:45 AM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
Nathan LaChine Offline

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5407
Loc: Washington State

My friend it is differnt with the age gap. I have found that when I came here I was only 19 and now am 21. I found it hard to understand the older guys here. I know what you mean about the understanding where you are right now. Alot of the guys where abused 10, 20, 30 years ago for you it is still only a couple of years old. Abuse is still abuse and we can all help each other heal. I hope to see you in the chat with the rest of us younger guys. We all kinda chat almost every night in their.

lots of love, Nathan

#34552 - 04/02/05 11:42 PM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
glaukos - I agree with the guys that dealing with the abuse that is so fresh in your recall is a very difficult experience. The symptoms you shared in your post are among about 25 identifiable ways males respond to that trauma:
"crying for no reason, fears of seemingly minute things, "I'm the only one", cutting [or feeling numb, lack of feeling], inability to trust, need to control, etc. It's good you can share what you're experiencing with others here. However, realize many of the guys who didn't deal with it as teens have experienced those symptoms for decades. It has taken its toll. The concept that males can be victims is only about 15 - 20 years old. Before that time, if you were male and sexually abused, it was never reported, you were disbelieved, you felt so much shame/guilt/fear/ you kept your mouth shut, etc. This site is only coming into its element due to long years of education in this area. I am hopeful that young guys will be saved these years of struggle and suffering and can get help, support and relief NOW!! not later! Keep posting and realize you are not alone...there is a way to can change/you-we can change!


If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

#34553 - 04/03/05 02:32 AM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
reality2k4 Offline

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6845
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
glaukos, I think that Howard summed up a lot in what he said.

I was a little boy when this happened, it never went away because I was too embarrassed to talk about it, and the big thing is, that I did not have a place like this to come to.

I felt that I had no control over my situation, and utterly lost and alone in a world so strange to me.

Maybe I am an adult now, but I still visit my childhood to pick up the pieces of all the hurt that I had to go through, all the feelings of guilt shame and humiliation, to name but a few.

I was a bright kid, but my schoolwork, although good, was never realised at exams, so I now have not got anywhere near where I should have got in jobs or relationships.

I always remember having to keep control on my thoughts, constantly, and the mental hurt, can turn to causing yourself pain, to relieve it, but try to resist that.

So, I, and a lot of others had no way to address these fears, so we have had unique experiences of dealing with it, until we come here, and find the answers that we have spent a lifetime trying to find.

It sure feels better, to not have been alone on this journey, it hurts to know others have been there, but it is good to share our feelings, because for one thing, nobody knows you, and another, is that maybe somebody can comfort the hurt when you really need it.

When this happened to me, I felt like a worthless piece of dog sh*t, and it was a magnet for other abusers to follow me, but it only happened once, because I learned how to deal with them.

The path to healing, is not to see how we older ones are still dealing with it, but to see the many answers, to the future problems that can be avoided with knowledge, and help with your own healing now.

We are always here, and we really do care.

Living through my childhood equated to a sea of despair, for one reason only, that I had nobody to listen, and nobody to share.

I have learned one thing on my path through life, and that is, nothing is impossible to conquer, your mind is as powerful as any other in this world, and you have the tools to make it.

I wish you well, on your journey,


Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

#34554 - 04/04/05 08:30 PM Re: is it different if yr not a grownup
ForeverFighting Offline

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1253
Loc: New Mexico, USA
I still cry for no reason. All the "healing" talk and stuff is just our way of trying to figure out WHY we're crying. Maybe if I could figure out why I'm crying, I could stop crying?

Sometimes I wish I were where you are. I get sick of dealing with all this garbage in a grownup sort of way. I'd love to just say whatever I want, tell my parents what I'd like to say without feeling like I have to do everything the "right way". And this place is as close as it gets for me to be able to talk to other guys about "all the embarassing stuff".

You being here is refreshing. Whatever you do, don't try to talk like the grownups. Sometimes we spend so much time in our heads that we forget what's in our hearts. Back when I was your age, if I could have talked to somebody like you're talking, I probably wouldn't be as messed up as I am now. I'm so glad you're here.

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, nor will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17


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