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#345496 - 11/17/10 04:43 AM Why do I read posts in F&F
SamV Offline

Registered: 12/13/09
Posts: 5971
Loc: Sunnny, South East USA
This thought was recently brought up, and it is a good question.
The answer is simply, because I have family and friends.

I am married, with two teenagers. When I look through the wounded eyes of a child sexual abuse survivor, I see the triggers that I over react to when I see my son on the Internet, or laughing and playing with neighborhood children. I feel the hyper vigilance of a man duty bound with prejudice to make sure every possible, and some impossible, safe guards are put in place for their protection.
I am cautiously aware of being too dependent on my wife, as I was abused by a female.
I have inappropriately shared with many of my "friends", causing uncomfortable moments, or loss of said friends, as I was also abused by a male.

Any wandering from rigid standards causes panic, fear, and confusion!

So, where do I get to hear from supporters, friends and family, some abused and non abused, speak from their perspective about how they diffuse situations they know to be reactions of the abuse, or if they do not know, then I can see in their writings how they come to understand, cope, cooperate and even.., let go.

Who will tell me, in objective, or at least in non investment, what I can ascertain in F&F? I have chatted with one or two supporters at length here, and through those precious supporters, I have been able to clarify the conflict.

Who indeed, will support my family?

The simple answer is.., I will, with your help.


MaleSurvivor Moderator Emeritus 2012 - 2014

#345511 - 11/17/10 10:39 AM Re: Why do I read posts in F&F [Re: SamV]
Lavinia Offline

Registered: 12/02/09
Posts: 61
Thanks for your post, Sam. Although I sometimes get frustrated when a male survivor misinterprets a post or part of a post by a supporter, I do try to realize that we are all under a tremendous amount of stress and that even among non-abused people, communication issues can arise. In my own clouded thinking, which I admit sometimes borders on paranoia, I imagine some survivors reading the F&F threads just waiting for a supporter to say something "wrong" so they can flame that person. I seriously hope that is not the case, but I've witnessed some instances where it seemed to be true. Misplaced anger is a dangerous thing, as I'm sure most (if not all) of us here on MS are well aware.

I just wanted to clarify that when I brought up the question of "why read the F&F section?" I was only referring to those survivors who are particularly vulnerable and sensitive to others' remarks. No one is perfect, but having said that, just as much as I become frustrated when a survivor misinterprets something, I often cringe at the questions some well-meaning but very clueless supporters ask in this section. I don't mean that anyone is stupid or insensitive, just that anyone new to anything - including and probably especially recovery issues - is going to be clueless and ask a lot of questions that anyone with many years of experience will easily understand. Even people years into recovery have relapses and need help getting back on track sometimes.

I'm speaking in general terms mostly, but on a personal note, I am a survivor as well as a supporter. My partner and I have been together for almost nine years, yet issues around intimacy and communication still arise, especially when we are both kind of self-absorbed in our own healing processes. It's been a very rough road for us both, and clear and effective communication is absolutely essential in any healthy relationship but appears to be even more crucial when both people are abuse survivors. When I post here, you guys only hear one side of the story. I pretend that I'm the "rock" in this relationship, so to speak, but if I sat down and attempted to calculate how often I rely on Zack versus his relying on me, I'd probably come very close to 50-50. I'm merely very stubborn and won't admit it. ;-)

I guess the best solution to the F&F issues is for everyone to try to understand that we're all probably stressed out and tired of dealing with recovery issues. Let's face it, people - this crap is hard work!!! We all come here to support each other and ask questions and sometimes things get misinterpreted no matter what section you post in or who you are. We must try to be sensitive to others' different recovery issues, backgrounds, cultural and religious beliefs, etc. and also realize that often, people post when they are the MOST stressed out. They may be suffering from lack of sleep, they may not have had breakfast yet or enough coffee (usually that's my situation!), or they may have just had an argument with a friend or other loved one, had a tough therapy session, or suffered a flashback. The bottom line is, we usually don't know what's going on outside of the computer.

All of that aside, all of us on MaleSurvivor need to know our own limits and vulnerabilities. For example, if a post is marked with a trigger warning and a survivor new to recovery or just having a tough day reads it and gets extremely triggered, is it the fault of the original poster? On the same hand, a survivor who reads the F&F section needs to realize that many support people have no idea what to do if their loved one discloses that he was sexually abused. They are dealing with a ton of painful emotions too. Even supporters like me, who are also survivors, don't always understand what our loved ones are going through because recovery is unique for everyone.

Thanks for reading this, and again I'm sorry if I ever come across as mean-spirited or nasty. I certainly don't intend to hurt anyone when I post here.

#345512 - 11/17/10 11:08 AM Re: Why do I read posts in F&F [Re: Lavinia]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
Wow Sam. You put into mwords my thoughts as a husband and father and CSA survivor. Thanks! Keith

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.


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