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#344426 - 11/07/10 09:42 PM Why is it more acceptable to cry than anger?
DarkHadou Offline

Registered: 10/13/10
Posts: 117
Saw some of Oprah Show 200 men, not what I'm into. I'm not into watching grown men cry and feel sad. They suppose to but it's boring and depressing for me to watch it more than a minute. Instead they should think more about revenge and anger, it's better, it's stronger than crying. I heard the lame excuse too many times from others "That's what the abuser wants", so you think the abuser doesn't want you to cry, feel sad, feel pain?

Recovery is no longer hoping to change the past-- is what a victim told Oprah. Well, I look at the past, only a very few times I thought about changing the abuse part, but I think about the past a lot because even though the child sex abuse was going on, I also lived another life, a happier life when it wasn't going on. Now, I have depression, 26 yrs old, social anxiety, isolation, no friends, other problems and I have to say that if I had to choose from being here now or going back then, I would rather be sexually abused cause at least I had a life back, I felt more alive back then.

Edited by DarkHadou (11/07/10 09:48 PM)

#344438 - 11/08/10 12:06 AM Re: Why is it more acceptable to cry than anger? [Re: DarkHadou]
kidneythis Offline

Registered: 11/09/09
Posts: 1558
Tell me Dark, does this sound familiar; You're a very angry person... Why are you always so angry? and so on.

I never saw it or even recognized it. I knew I would seeth with impotent anger when something that I didn't like happened but it never came across to me until very recently that I was always seething. It was so much a part of me it didn't recognize it as anything abnormal. Anger was my natural state of being.

Anyway my point is nothing like the one you mentioned people have told you. "that's what the abuser wants" WTF does that mean?!

I found that my constant anger took away my life by limiting my ability to learn to grow. As for crying I stopped being able to before I was 8 years old. I think it may have been as early as 6 years old that I stopped. I was unable to, I often tried but I couldn't.

The power of anger is a false power. Power, real power, is something that comes from doing the right things. You know something is false power because it leads to destruction of self or others. Getting justice is not destruction of another. I say that because many try to parse it out as being so.

I think your interest is like mine, you want justice to be done. I think as you grow and mature you will start to see the necessity of crying again. I say see again, because we know it intrinsically as children.

That other happier life, it was part of the abused life, it was part of your life. It all happened, just because you were able to dissociate from the pain of the abuse so that you could enjoy the "good times" doesn't mean that you had survived it unscathed. I think that is what the remark "now I have depression, social anxiety, isolation,no friends, other problems..." was supposed to mean. That you had made it out so why now?
What these symptoms mean is that you are no longer dissociating the abuse from the rest of your life. These are the symptoms you put off all that time by dissociating. You have to deal with them or they will slowly destroy you. It is a natural self defense mechanism nearly all children have for trauma. This is why so many adults still suffer from the effects of abuse. It only comes out as the dissociation stops. By then they have forgotten they were doing it.

Your life wasn't better back then, its just that you were still able to dissociate the abuse from the rest of your life. These feelings are what you were running from when you dissociated back then.

As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

#344445 - 11/08/10 02:04 AM Re: Why is it more acceptable to cry than anger? [Re: kidneythis]
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA

What you are really talking about, whether you know it or not, is the stages of grief. Grief for the lost childhood. Even if it seems that it was better during the abuse than it is now.

These are some of the stages of grief and it is not always in order:

Denial: You are partially still in this in that you think in someways it would be better if what hurt you was still going on because it "was better then".

Anger: This is part of where you are now. And it is so appropriate to rage against what happened to you. To want revenge.

Depression: Sadness and pain. Again, part of where you are. More so in anger though.

Acceptance: This is what we acknowledge when we know we can't change what happened. Not the same as saying it was OK. It wasn't. It is at this stage we can choose to forgive the abuser, not for him/her, but for our own peace.

These stages can mix and flow. But they all have or will have happened as we recovery.

Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to. It is neither right nor wrong, it just is. And remember that others have their own mix of these stages.

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord


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