Hi, my fraternal brother, Cres.
Well, my "mom' was the first one to sexually, emotionally, physically & mentally abuse me. The sexual part started at 5 yrs old. he other stuff, right after i came out of that hole between her legs.
I never had a father, but when my main perpetrator Ralph came into my life at 8 years old. i had adopted him as the parent(s) that i never had. He gave me pleasure, i liked it, etc. I was his for about 6 years. I was sexually abused by some strangers, who worked for the Boston subway system. I went willingly, i knew what they wanted me for.
I was mostly in a male dominated world as a boy, i never had any attraction nor anything to do with girls/females.
I, was in an orphanage/Home for 4 years, 10-14 years old. All Religious brothers, plus about 50 other boys like me. 100% male.
I was in the Civil Air Patrol, for 3 years, all boys & men, i was between 14-16 years old.
I went into the Air Force at 17 again 99.00% males.
i have never received those vital skills of emotions & social, as that young boy.
I was attracted to males both sexually & non sexually. I had a homosexual affair at 18 years old & in the Air Force.
I was attracted to a boy (non sexually) while stationed in Germany. He was a boy similar to what i was. Minus the sexual abuse. He and i did things together. He was 11 years old.His mother had picked up on me, as i was the only person that ever paid much attention to him. Well before long she and the boy came to live with me. well his mom was giving me plenty of sex. I got her pregnant & did what i was supposed to do. We had a son together. And we got married.
I was married for 36 years when all those sexual abuse memories came out. She went to 2 therapy sessions with me in Germany. I got an ear full as she told the therapist, Peter had no affection towards me. When i almost died from cancer did Pete ever come and console me? NO. When i was in pain did he ever come over and help console me? NO, He hardly ever came over to me and give me a hug or kiss, Guilty. He hardly ever told me he loved me. Guilty.
But doctor when it came to his boys 2 sons, he always gave them hugs & kisses. He always told them that he loved them.
When they hurt he did too, when they cried he did too. And his grandsons 10 & 11, well they were inseparable
So, doctor, he was a lousy husband, but a great father & grandfather.
When i had terrable emotional and mood swings when all this came to the surface, she told me that we can't keep living like this. I agreed.She had blurted out to me "So you want to leave me and go marry a man. A funny feeling went over me, as i never had given her any reason to ever say that.
But, in hindsight, just maybe she had seen something in me than i never did."
And on the 3 of March of '09, i just walked out the apartment door, no good bye, no hug, no kiss and no tears. No emotions none-zero.
I will be the first to admit that she gave me 100% of her self. I gave her none-zero. I was never meant to have been married in the first place.
I have had a few homosexual affairs since that date. And as i told my therapists that she never gave me those sexual emotional & sexual pleasures as had Ralph & those strangers.
So, when i am into an affair, my emotions & my sexuality are as one with me as there is where it all comes together.
I don't know if any of this is of any help. But follow where your emotions, sexuality, mind & body come together. As for me there is where i belong.
Wish you well in your struggle.
Heal well, my brother, heal well.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.