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#34419 - 01/11/03 03:58 PM out of place
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
The words dont want to come out, hey want say whats happened. you all seem (no offence ment) old. I'm sorry didnt mean to sound rude, but reading the posts you all seem to be between 35-50+ with so much experiance, so mush self hate, and understanding. You are all so stong. I dont know if i could do that. I'm only 19, still so young. still so unserure. All i want is to make a differents - some how? But yet, I cant see my self after the age fo 35/40! I see my self getting board, you see i need to find some perpus in this life, am i just here so "he" could have his way? Now what? Where do i go? what do i do? I'm at uni, but why?? I dont know what i want to be, i dont know? I'm messed up, scared even. Just want a little conternuity in my life, I am a forsest fire, I am a stormy ocean, I am a bird wiv a broken wing, caught in a virus circle a loop that never ends. So many question, so little time. out of interst is anyone here my age?? How comes i find it so hard to open up? I dont understand. I just dont!

If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!


#34420 - 01/11/03 07:35 PM Re: out of place
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Well Little-E, you sure have a wonderful way with words and expressions. Many would love to be able to say the words you did in describing yourself.

There are a lot of guys in their twenties, and several still in their teens that come here. Sometimes, they do not mention their age, but they are here. Young men use the chat room as well.

Little E, what makes you diffent from we, who are older, is that you are able to admit that you were sexually betrayed and violated, you can talk about it, and you want to work on it NOW. Some of us buried our memories for years and that is why we are just now working on them.

Some os us did not bury, could not bury, our memories, but we chose to keep them secret for a variety of reasons.

Please try to feel that you are our brother, and for some of us, our much younger brother. But you are safe and you can say anything you need to when you feel you are ready to do that.

This is a great time in the life of a man, his late teens and early twenties. You do not have to have a clear vision of what you want to do, or even of who you are. I tell young folks to keep their minds, eyes and hearts open. Drink in all the expperieence and knowledge they can. Make all the relationships they can and as your young years move on you will begin to develop an idea of how you want to live your life, with whom, and how you plan to make a living and contribute to society.

Little-E, be patient with yourself, and be free to be who you are at this very day, and when you come here write anything you want, ask any questions, make any statement. We, your brothers, will respond as best we can and believe me, we will learn form you just as you hopefully can learn for us.

Does any of that make any sense to you?

Peace brother,


If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

#34421 - 01/11/03 08:10 PM Re: out of place
RJD Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
I have seen men as young as 15 years old begin their journey to recovery.
I remember being envious that they were going to reclaim their lives at such an
early time than I could have. Your struggle, your questions, your pure guts in
posting here tell me that your personal struggle has begun. If there was a place
to post a discussion on this topic when I was 15, I believe my life could have been
very different. The topic of abuse did not exist when I was 15. If you were beaten,
you must have done something to deserve it. If you were molested, you must have seduced, especially if you were a male and no matter how old you were.

It seems to be a matter of life experiences for my generation, if you didnít end it too
soon. When I worked with men who were violent in their relationships, it was the
men who were past 35 that were ready to do some serious work on their profound
issues. Often they had gone through three marriages and were just beginning to
understand, after overwhelming clues, that they had a problem. Middle age seems
to have more reflective questions that point us in the directions of our histories and
our family of origin issues. The younger men didnít seem to have a problem. They
were not conscious of how the past can control our behavior in the present. After all
they were men now and the past is of no consequence, it is ďwater under the bridge.Ē

If abuse wasnít a problem for generations past, then what was there to address.
Abuse is on the table now and you have the benefit of those courageous souls that
have gone before you who have struggled, and are still struggling past the denial of
others. This struggle is the one you have joined.
I am so old and still so insecure. I donít know if you or anyone else wants to
hear what i have to say. But now Iíve said it. And now you have had the courage
so speak out, and you have already made a difference in someoneís life.

Early on in my marriage I drew a image of a fanciful bird of paradise flying
over a tumultuous and stormy sea. I told my wife that the bird was her and the sea
was me. I said I was afraid that the bird would fly too close to the sea and
become entrapped by a cresting wave. We do seem to have both braved the

#34422 - 01/11/03 08:15 PM Re: out of place
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
YOU SHOULD BE SO PROUD OF YOURSELF FOR FACING THE PROBLEM AT SUCH A YOUNG AGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!......i envy you SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!.........brave, strong, understanding.........NO WAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......most of us just were in denial or procrastinated dealing with this stuff until we were absolutely forced to deal with it because it tarnished everything in out lifes....i've met some young guys here, a couple of them i've been communicating with for almost 2 years on a weekly guy when i first began talking to him was so convinced he was straight.....i think i helped him by not passing judgement on him, he needed encouragment.....i am so happy for him because he has accepted he is gay and has had an ongoing relationship with a guy.....he has been there for me many days when i was so close to just swallowing a bottle of pills to end the my mind, i knew he cared about me, even if nobody else did......GUESS WHAT I"M TRYING TO SAY IS AGE IS IRRELEVANT......just because we are older does not mean we all are there are many young guys that are members not get me wrong, it seems sometimes that there are some guys here that have their act totally together.....but then you might read a painful posting by that same person that makes you realize how hurt and vulnerable they still are.......i know i sure do not feel any wiser than anybody here.....i just feel so stupid for not trying to deal with my problem until i was forced to do so....


WELCOME.......i'm so sorry you have to be here........


#34423 - 01/11/03 09:52 PM Re: out of place
andrew-almost52 Offline

Registered: 10/31/02
Posts: 243
Loc: canada
Hey Little-E,

You are 19. You are strong. You are creative. You are doing something about the pain you are feeling. And god bless ya, you are young and have time .... loads of it. Also, please keep things in perspective. Some of the things you said and the way you described yourself are not atypical of almost all 19 year olds. I remember 19 as an exciting but very scary time....half child half man. Accepted by the adult world, but not completely. Responsible and self sufficient but not. A time of contradictions. Give yourself time Little-E, you've got lots of it. You're on the right track by coming here. Hopefully you also have a therapist you like, and a mentor of some sort at the university. Go out and embrace the world Little-E ... it's waiting for you, don't be afraid to grab it and ride it for all its worth. Fall in love, travel, make mistakes, spend too much money, fall in love again, take courses that are fun, work hard and play hard. Remember, being a SA survivor is only a small part of you and a small part of your history, and it doesn't need to be a significant part of your future. Peace, Andrew

#34424 - 01/11/03 09:59 PM Re: out of place
Wuamei Offline

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Little E, those are good words from Bob, RJD & Michael.

I may be 46 & way older than you chronologically, but emotionally I'm younger than you becuz I took so long remembering & starting my recovery, which was just about 18 months ago.

Seriously my friend, I've just, over the Christmas holidays, released my own inner child. I never had a childhood & I'm just starting to live it.

That may also be true for you. But at least you're starting younger and I'm glad for you. You are beginning early to overcome the horror of CSA.
This takes a lot of courage, but it will probably
save you from a lot of problems later, or help you thru them better at least.

Take care Little E


"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

#34425 - 01/11/03 11:54 PM Re: out of place
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Little E
Dont wait for your mid life crisis to deal with this shit !!!

You have so much better chance of conquering your demons now, you have youth on your side and we are living in a time us old guys can only look at with regret that the openess and help that's available wasn't there for us.

Make your recovery a part of your life, and live the other part to the full.

Do it for us old un's as well !


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#34426 - 01/12/03 12:31 AM Re: out of place
Chey-Wy Offline

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 245
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Little E

I am another one of the "old farts". But as the others have said when we were your age S A was not talked about. My mother still thinks that because I am gay I must have done something to deserve being raped.

I was first molested by the neighbor girls when I was 4 or 5. I don't remember much about my childhood ... just that I was always unhappy. That I never had any friends. I am sure that my perps saw that. I was raped by a family friend when I was 26 and then again my the minister at our church when I told him about the first rape. He saw that I was vulnerable. Then, Three years ago I had an employer that was stalking me. Without going into a lot of the details my boss made my life a living nightmare. He was sending me anonomous letters of the sex acts he wanted to perform with me ( one on the letters had a lot in common with Monica Lewinski's dress) This boss did grab me inapropriately on two occasions. I had an attorney ... but he advised me to pursue my perp through the department of labor since he was my boss.

All I can say is that you need to go to the police immediately .... if you haven't already. One of my perps is dead. The "boss perp" declared bankruptcy and moved. I know he is doing the same thing to someone else in Phoenix. The other perp lives within two blocks of a school.

You may not realize it now ... but someday you will. Getting your perp off the street will make you feel better. I am now taking action against all three of my perps. Knowing they will not be able to harm another person is so important to me.

The dead perp was the minister at the church. While he is dead, the church has covered up his actions for the last 10 years. I have been trying to get the church to take action for the last 10 years. I don't know who your perp was ... but don't let him silence you.

Back to you. I did nothing about my S A for 20 years. I have been "stuck" for 20 years. My S A has affected my entire life. I look back at my life before the S A and look at my life now. At the time of my S A I had just paid cash for a new car. It was Loaded. Power everything. I had just purchased some rental property in a partnership with my parents.

Now, I drive a 8 year old pickup with 120,000 miles. I rent a small apartment. Every relationship I have ever had has only lasted for a few months.

All I can say is don't let the S A ruin your life. If you aren't in therappy ... get into therapy. Become a voice. When my S A happened .... rape was not talked about. My mother is still embarased about it. But, it did happen to me ....... and I will not be silenced again.

From "Lion King" "The Circle of Life" with Lyrics

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion] (Repeat)

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [As lion and a leopard come to this open place]

#34427 - 01/12/03 11:20 AM Re: out of place
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
These are important words from Andrew
Remember, being a SA survivor is only a small part of you and a small part of your history, and it doesn't need to be a significant part of your future. Peace, Andrew
Now that you are dealing with this SA at the age of 19 it will not effect your life as much as it has all us old farts. Like everyone said we didn,t have this place when we where your age and NO ONE Talked about SA back in the darkages.
What Chey_WY says about dealing with you Perp is also very important. I don't know who your Perp was but it will be much harder to deal with someone from your family then a PERP from the outside world.
I cant see my self after the age fo 35/40! I see my self getting board, you see i need to find some perpus in this life, am i just here so "he" could have his way?
NO NO NO You are not here just so "he" could have his way? Give yourself some time to find your direction in life .Also if you get board in your 30/40 go back to school. I have found myself back in Tec Colleges 3 times, in my mid 20"S ( Video Production) 30"s (Photographic Tec) and in my mid 40's (Electrionic Prepress). Who knew 30 years ago that there would be a job called WEBMASTER, What great new jobs will there be in 15-20 years.

All i want is to make a differents - some how?
The biggest contribution to change we can make on a daily bases is to talk with others from the out side world about the evil of SA. While this is super hard to do for most of us it has such a huge impact on those we talk to. Now they have a face to think about when they hear those words VICTIM OF SEXUAL ABUSE.

Little-E You are now a leader among those of you age who have suffered from Sexual Abuse. You have began your healing and now you can help others to end their silence.Reach out to them. I know there are a lot more young guys here they just aren't talken.
Well this old fart has to go I turn 53 tomorrow 1/13/03, time to get some sleep Muldoon

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#34428 - 01/12/03 03:50 PM Re: out of place
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
thanks guys. And i didnt mean for u lot to think you where old farts, truly i dont think that! A lot of you's made alot of sence. I guess it is true. Thanks guys. You've all talked about Trearpis, I cant do that, not yet, my be down the line somemore. But not yet. And Happy Birthday "MULDOON" hope you have a gr8 day!

If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!


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