Our belief in who we are shapes us as human beings. This is a proven fact. I have "looked" at many areas in my life as positive healthy beliefs except for the CSA and SA.
As I process the "memories", I am seeing a huge "error" in my thinking.
During the CSA as a child AND the SA as an adult I stopped thinking rationally or healthfully. I was told "I was special so what was being done to me was to be kept a secret". There was several statements made to me that were similiar in there chaos - "I am doing this so you know I love you", "Doesn't this show you how much I love you and your dad does NOT love you", and "this will make us be one forever". These statements have many errors in them. First it was spoken by an adult to a child. A child does NOT have the cognitive or reasoning abilities that a child has. An adult saying this to a child does NOT have the ability to understand the horribleness of their actions on the child. Even from an adult to another adult, these statments are made in error. There is an imbalance of power in the sexual abuse. IT is about power not sex or the intimacy that comes from being sexual with another.
I did NOT feel special so being told I was special made my mind "split" from my body in two ways - not only did my mind leave my body in order to survive the pain but my mind had to make sense of the statement. What I would do with the statement as I my mind returned to my body was "crave" the intensity of the moment in order to feel special. Today or more yesterdays, I would create this intensity because I was not feeling special. This event of being sexually abused caused my body to have a "high" so to speak.
I learned to hate the statements "your special", "your loved", and "your fun". I learned or felt being close to another would hurt like hell. I felt being with someone for even just a moment would cause me to leave my body especially of they touched me.
I truly believed my dad did not care. This was an error in thinking and YES my own thinking. I believed only my perps loved me. I believed the only way to be loved was being abused sexually - my body believed this. Having fun was being sexual and to be sexual meant great pain and the absense of any rationality. The worst part of what I experienced was the silence.
Who did I think I was - "Special". I am "special" with all of the joys that LIFE has to offer. I am "special" because my dad did love me. I am "special" for being me.
NO questions, no conditions, no deeds need to be done to be special.
I can be me - the kind, loving, giving, merciful, and fun man I was created to be.