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#343291 - 10/27/10 06:27 PM I hate Shane
Silly Offline

Registered: 04/21/10
Posts: 140
Loc: Virginia
I hate my skin
The memories it feels are embers of shame burning just beneath the surface waiting for a puff of breeze to reignite
I hate my legs
Scrawny hinged sticks shrink wrapped in muscle memory that were to frozen to run
I hate my arms
Gangly and withered…useless and unable to defend
I hate my fingers
Disjointed and cracked appendages with no strength to grasp
I hate my eyes
The crimes they saw committed against me tattoo my retinas and haunt me every time I close them.
I hate my nose
Passages so alluring and intoxicating yet pungent and stagnant
I hate my hair
Fine whisps of blonde entangled in flesh hooks of bad intent and malice
I hate my soul
The container that held my spark …now a gutter spattered barren empty shell
I hate the air I breathe
It releases the seed of long spoiled grass that poisons my mind
I hate my heart
The thing that carried love and hope…reduced to a scarred pulsating atrocity
I hate my blood
A flowing red torrent of anger threatening to drown me
I hate Shane
An unraveling child made of black scribbled string…whispers, secrets, and lies


The Round Table, Men's Sexual Abuse Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#343292 - 10/27/10 06:43 PM Re: I hate Shane [Re: Silly]
Castle Offline

Registered: 10/03/09
Posts: 758
I like shane...I hate his past...his future is ahead of him.


#343297 - 10/27/10 07:29 PM Re: I hate Shane [Re: Silly]
petercorbett Offline

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2509
Shane, my brother.

Really powerful words. The pain is tremendous.

Yes, my brother, your words would fit the SECRET Shanes & the secret Pete's & all of our secret little or adolescent boys whom are now men. Here in this web site.

But, i will like the the now & future Shane's, Pete's & our brothers here. As we find our way to becoming true survivors.

As, ever my brother Shane, you have my compassion, understanding & love.
Along with HOPE, Hope for you. Hope for me. & Hope for our brothers here.

Thanks for bearing your soul here.

" I will take that lost boys hand, and i will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity." As He is Me.

Heal well, my brother, Shane heal well.


#343316 - 10/27/10 11:20 PM Re: I hate Shane [Re: petercorbett]
kb8715 Offline

Registered: 07/16/10
Posts: 811
One of my favorite movies is "Shane". He's the gunfighter in the white hat who fights for what's right on behalf of the under dog. That's also how I think of my friend Shane here.

"You can get far in life by pushing except through a door marked PULL...." Profile quote in my son's senior year HS Yearbook.

#343360 - 10/28/10 04:31 AM Re: I hate Shane [Re: kb8715]
Derdlecar Offline

Registered: 11/08/05
Posts: 1316
Loc: Ogden Utah, USA
Shane, I hate all that crap about me too! I hate it so bad and it never goes away. It's always right there in my face making me feel like a worthless piece of s**t. But you know what my friend, all my hatred for myself really belongs to Jimmy and Tom. They are the a**hoes who stole innocence and gave me shame and self hatred in its place.

Somewhere deep down inside is the little boy I was before all the s**t was dumped on me. At times he is only a faint memory of something that might have been, but he is still there and I love him. I will not let go of his memory, I must not, I cannot because he is who I really am.

I hate what they did to me. I hate what they tried to make me become. They tried to make me become like themselves and they damn near succeeded. But the little boy and his memory was stronger than all their ugly evilness. And I thank God that they never really stole the little man's innocence, they just covered it over with their crap so I didn't even know it was there.

Love ya (in a safe way)

If a man would get his life on track, he must first go back to the place where it was derailed.

#343362 - 10/28/10 04:48 AM Re: I hate Shane [Re: Derdlecar]
pufferfish Offline

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Shane = Silly

We have gotten to know your soul and your heart here.

Your soul and your heart are very much alive.

You have a wonderful soul and a wonderful heart.

If you look within and see all the poison, it will be hateful.

Learn to see the wonderful Shane and Silly we have come to know here.


pufferfish whistle

#343369 - 10/28/10 06:06 AM Re: I hate Shane [Re: pufferfish]
Anomalous Offline

Registered: 03/07/10
Posts: 2143
Hi Shane,

The things you endured are indeed horrific.

But they neither define you, nor diminish you.

I look at the line you wrote about hating your heart -- the thing that carried love and hope reduced to a pulsing atrocity.

I know that is not true. Your caring and concern for others and the fact that you have given of yourself tirelessly, and endlessly, to save another from this hell, is proof that the caring and concern your heart once carried is alive and well.

What has changed is your ability, for the moment, to acknowledge and accept those qualities about yourself.

You are not the negative, ugly de>
Acceptance on someone else's terms is worse than rejection.

#343387 - 10/28/10 12:16 PM Re: I hate Shane [Re: Anomalous]
Marley Offline

Registered: 10/06/10
Posts: 54

You and I do not know each other well but I will say that the person you wrote about in this poem is not the person you are today.

It may seem that way, but a few days ago when I was deperate for a friendly hello, you immediately reached out to me without knowing about me or my issues. That says a lot about you.

The other men who posted here seem to know you well and are all in agreement that you are a caring person with a good heart.

Listen to them and not to the lies you were made to believe.


#343398 - 10/28/10 02:31 PM Re: I hate Shane [Re: Marley]
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
well many hate themselves

I did too and some parts of me still

it is a battle and when I met shane

I also liked shane

but it is part of abuse men

and shane did a great job of expressing that


Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#343402 - 10/28/10 03:43 PM Re: I hate Shane [Re: michael Joseph]
Avery46 Offline

Registered: 09/23/10
Posts: 1243
Loc: USA

My heart goes out to you. I saw your poem shortly after you posted it and my heart sunk.

I like Shane. Nothing more - nothing less. I know for myself being liked from within is tough so understand where your coming from.

I like your poem hoping your shedding the "hate".


aka DJsport


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