In communicating with a friend here, he gently mentioned that perhaps I needed to find new ways in which to cope with stress. If it was not for this statement I would have never thought about this. Thanks Daryl.
Defense mechanisms developed in childhood to survive the un-survivable. I did not realize that I carried all of that with me into adult hood. Still managing stressful situations with either anger directed at the wrong people, or simply turning off, shutting down and running away from a situation instead of dealing with it.
Turning small problems into mountains and making completely irrational decisions.
They are hard habits to break. When faced with a stressful situation, without even knowing it I automatically resort back to expecting the worst possible outcome and I throw up that wall before anyone can hurt me.
But that wall keeps out the good stuff too.
Like the love and support given to me unconditionally by my partner, like the chance to build a new relationship with a sibling, the chance to build a stronger relationship with other family members. Like the opportunity to meet and become friends with new people and the opportunity to heal.
It has been far too easy to hide behind that wall and make excuses for my actions and in-actions. It is easy to blame the negative aspects of who I am today on my past.
Why do I hold onto it so tight? All the bad, why does anyone?
Anyway, I am sure this is not a new concept but to me it is about new and positive things to think about. Oh and more money for my psych.
Thank you, thank you.