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#342851 - 10/23/10 01:17 PM New, looking for help.
DeadEnd Offline

Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 10
I found this forum a few days ago and have been reading the posts. I wanted to post but in a way felt like it would be a betrayal of my husband. I only found out this week of his csa. He says no one knows and he only told me because I kept finding things on the computer. I will tell you my story, I say mine because his csa story is his to tell, not mine. But the hurt and pain he has caused me is mine.

We have been together 7 years. When we were living together I was looking at the history on the computer and found gay sites, the thing that bothered me most was he had an ad on an online dating site for gay people. I confronted him, at first he was like, how did you find that? He then told me it was a sick fantasy thing he had, he wasn't gay and he would stop.

After we were married I foung pics of him on the computer, he had left by accident, I looked at the history and found that he had been posting on craigslist, looking for sex with men. I was really mad this time, I asked if he were gay, he said no, again he said it was a sick fantasy thing and he would stop.

We went to MC and I made him tell the T about this, I knew the T thought he was gay by the things he said, H refused to go back.

A few weeks later I found another ad on craigslist, I became obsessed, I found emails, very disgusting to me, the things he said to these men, wanting to meet them for sex, what he wanted them to do to him and him to them. I found that he had called them by looking at the cell bill. Again I confronted him and he said the same it was a sick fantasy and he would stop.

This was a year ago, I never stopped looking and didn't find anything until this week. I saw an ad on cl with a #, I looked at my cell bill and that # was there, I asked him, of course he denied it, said it was a mistake even though it was there more than once. I searched cl for more #'s and there were more he had called. I asked him and he said I have nothing to say.

He told me he wanted to tell me something, but before he even said it I asked him if he was abused, he said yes, how did you know, I told him I had always known, it was just something I felt. He then told me of his csa. He said that no one knows.

He said that he has never had sex with a man, it is only the fantasy, the talking online, calling them, masterbating, etc. Can I believe this? Is he telling the truth? The emails I found were very graphic.

During our M, he has been so cold to me. Sometimes he is the greatest most loving man, but others, he is, I'll just say it, very emotionally and verbally abusive. I have often felt there is something wrong with me.

He has been so disrespectful of me at times, almost like he hates me. He stares at other women and I don't mean he looks, he stares, it hurts me so badly. He flirts with them in front of me to the point other people notice. I feel like garbage at these times.

Can anyone help me?

#342854 - 10/23/10 02:50 PM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: DeadEnd]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I really don't know exactly what to say except this is probably the best place you can be. I have learned so much about CSA. Please also remember, though, that you are allowed to take care of yourself. This site will help you learn how to do that while still being compassionate toward him. PM me any time.

#342855 - 10/23/10 03:00 PM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: DeadEnd]
Wardpoet Offline

Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 43
Loc: Maryland
I can't speak for anyone other than me. Been maried since 97 yet I am a distant person who is trying to learn how to love and be close to someone. Spent a long time confused,angry,sad, and self destructive. Very conflicted withdrawn and hypersensitive. A good read for me was Denial by Jessica Stern. Better for me is trusting some men which is a new thing for me. I have a lot of issues like trusting anyone is scary and I am more comfortable being withdrawn. Trying to become better. The answers you need are in your husband and I'm not sure if he knows yet what is right for him. Going to therapy would help you sort out your turmoil and have a plan that would give you some of the control you need. We only control ourselves and even ten can be limited. God bless

#342889 - 10/23/10 09:53 PM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: Wardpoet]
DeadEnd Offline

Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 10
Hope4him and Wardpoet,

Thank you both for replying to my post.

#342890 - 10/23/10 10:25 PM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: DeadEnd]
Tinman Offline

Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I am going to say this and I want you to hear it clearly.

That you husband was a victim of CSA is horrible. But it in NO WAY justifies you having to bear abuse because of it.

I doubt he is gay. His CSA probably compels him to certain forms of acting out. I could be wrong about his being gay, but I have a gut feeling I am not.

You need to insist he do two things:

1. Get help
2. Stop abusing you

If he will not do both, then for your own sake, take care of yourself. You can't fix him. And it is not fair for you to have to be a victim for what happened to him.

This is hard for me because as a CSA victim myself, it is hard to take a firm line against another victim. But I am not just concerned for him, I am concerned about you.

Our being victims in the past does not give us a free pass to hurt others.

"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

#342926 - 10/24/10 12:35 PM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: Tinman]
DeadEnd Offline

Registered: 10/22/10
Posts: 10

Thank you and I do hear you. I have been hurt badly in my life also and I do know it is no excuse to hurt others.

He has said he will get help this time, I think because he finally after all these years told someone, (me) about his csa.

#343326 - 10/28/10 12:07 AM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: DeadEnd]
wnt2bsupportive Offline

Registered: 09/02/09
Posts: 15
DeadEnd my story is very similar to yours. Unfortunately mine did not have a great ending. If you read some of my post I am sure that you will relate to some of them. CL, phone bills and e mails are all too familiar to me. I was on the hunt for a year. And I would time after time find what I was looking for. I started feeling guilty like I was the one making it happen b/c I was looking but the truth is he would have done the things he did regardless.

I love my ex very much but he has yet to take all of the steps necessary to get help. I hope that you will find this site to be helpful. I have talked to many survivors here and I now have a better understanding of the "why" and "how".

I had to walk away from my relationship before I let it destroy me. The fights and the lies were too much to bear any longer. Please take care of yourself and don't let him walk all over you. You deserve to be ok as well.

If you want/need to talk PM or e mail me anytime.

#343339 - 10/28/10 01:55 AM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: wnt2bsupportive]
DougL Offline

Registered: 09/11/10
Posts: 11
Loc: Bradford, PA USA
he definitely needs to get help. He has probably never come to terms with what happened to him. I know it took me a long time. I was doing the same thing on my computer. tell him you will leave unless he gets help. If you really love him you will stand by and support him. If he does not get the help then you have no choice but to leave.

#343346 - 10/28/10 02:58 AM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: DougL]
SunnyGirl Offline

Registered: 07/14/10
Posts: 79
Originally Posted By: DougL
If you really love him you will stand by and support him. If he does not get the help then you have no choice but to leave.

I just want to remind you, as a fellow supporter, that there is no right or wrong answer to your situation. It isn't nearly as simple as DougL makes it out to be. His intentions were probably good, but I know as a supporter, I often feel very frustrated when people tell me what to do. Survivors may not realize it, but often as supporters, we feel a loss of control, too. And to have someone tell you that you should behave like X but if Y happens there is only one answer, to be blunt, that's just not helpful, particularly because you have emotions involved here. Just like with each survivor's recovery, each supporter's situation is unique. It all depends on your own situation, your own tolerance and what works for you.

You need to take the time to figure that out on your own. Whether that's completely on your own or through the guidance of a therapist who specializes in this area and really "gets it" -- that's up to you. But don't feel like there's one pat answer to what you should or should not be doing. It's hard enough to be a supporter without feeling like you're doing it "wrong."

I would just advise you to take time for you, set boundaries when necessary and to remember that you're not helping him if you start trying to control him. Someone exerting improper control over him is what got him into this situation and based on my experience, you won't be successful in trying to help him by taking control away from him.


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us." - H. Keller

"Change & growth take place when a person has risked himself & dares to become involved w/ experimenting w/ his own life." - H. Otto

#343354 - 10/28/10 04:06 AM Re: New, looking for help. [Re: SunnyGirl]
hopeandtry Offline

Registered: 07/29/10
Posts: 476
I agree with SunnyGirl. While there may be a time to say "Get help or I'm leaving," this is not always the right answer (unless of course, someone could be hurt physically). I'm not saying you should stay if he doesn't get help, either. You have to ask yourself if there are other alternatives that may be better. If not, then by all means leave if he will not seek help. He has just told you about his abuse, and while the things he did to hurt you were horrible, forcing him to get help RIGHT AWAY may not be the best answer. If he seems open to the idea of therapy but not quite ready, then that is a different story than him saying "I'm going to continue this behavior regardless of how you feel." My point being, there are many degrees of readiness to get help. Your situation is going to be different from everyone else's. I will say, however, that HE HAS NO RIGHT to abuse you...not physically, sexually, or emotionally. You can be compassionate while setting boundaries. I highly recommend attending a codependency group like CODA or even AlAnon. Feel free to PM me.

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