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#340823 - 09/26/10 04:43 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: FormerTexan]
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 405
Loc: Europe
The other day I had trouble functioning in bed, and rather than starting a new thread, I thought I could search for a relevant one to join in on. This thread resonates with me in some ways.

With my Mom, although there were one or two flashbacks of touching, I would say in was covert incest ("incest" is a really hard word for me), but the other day my wife and I were having sex and as she was touching me, somehow I felt it was like Mom touching me ALL OVER. I even heard Mom's voice say "My handsome man." I suddenly realized that I had lost my erection while having sex with my wife. I felt awful. I feel like I'm letting her down, and I also feel totally humiliated. It is also confusing, because another source of shame for me is that I can get aroused thinking of some things with my mother, so why does that suddenly have the opposite effect when that would be the last thing I need. It seems totally unfair that I will get an erection when thinking about Mom--when I would really rather not. And then when going limp would be the last thing I want, THAT is the effect it has on me.

I can't talk to my wife about it, because when I first started facing SA issues she told me I must be wrong about my mother. It is also tough that when I told her I wanted to go a support group, she said, "Just don't come home one day and tell me your gay." That hurt a lot. I've had questions, but I know I'm not gay. I decided then, though, that I would not talk to my wife about the SA. She hasn't complained. Once or twice she tried to listen, but she was pretty much repulsed by talk of anything abuse-related. So I lost my erection in bed, and I can't talk to her about it.

I feel like I can hear my older brother, who also did things to me and once told me I was gay, laughing at me.

Now, I'm scared of the next time we'll have sex. I'm afraid it won't work again, and I am afraid taht this fear will make it even more difficult.

I'm also feeling pretty asexual overall. I know I'm not gay, am not turned on by men. I have weird and explicit fantasies about my brother, but it is not about being attracted towards men in general.

On the women front, though, I feel practically disinterested. I can see pictures and films of beautiful women and have no reaction whatsoever. It is almost like I am bored. Part of me wonders if I am just getting old. At 40, am I just losing it?

Part of me though, wonders if I'm just less of a man. That's a hard one, because so many times in so many ways the question comes up. I've never felt like I was fully a man, and now this last incident seems like one more confirmation of that. (I'm wondering if "impotent" will become the new difficult word for me)

Edited by learning2remember (09/26/10 05:00 AM)
"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#341132 - 09/30/10 02:59 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: mogigo]
Neverquit Offline

Registered: 09/27/10
Posts: 147
Loc: Ohio
Hey Mogigo, thanks for posting that. I was molested by my mother and relate to probably 90% of what you said. I also disassociate and freeze when I get hit on by women. I'm extremely passive, used to have rape fantasies, thought of being the woman, lots of sexual confusion, get nauseated if I don't disassociate from "starting the sexual process" with a woman. I honestly believe the only difference between experiences is that I have yet to be with a woman.

Man, this thread is tough, I can't write any more.


There is always hope

#342922 - 10/24/10 05:49 AM Re: SA by a woman [Re: Neverquit]
mogigo Offline

Registered: 04/25/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Hey Never, It's almost a minority in a minority eh. I know it's tough bro. But this is the right place.

I guess while I was on here full time, I really didn't get to delve into my stuff too deep, but I sure did feel like I belonged here.

Ya know, I'm happy now. I got past the "life sucks" stuff, but I still talk to my partner about my issues. Those issues are real, and I have to say, that I'm not sure if they will ever be resolved. The fact that I can say to my partner that "hey, wait. This affects me". That's worth, what, what is that worth?.

It's worth me never ever having to look at suicide as ever being an option. It's worth Life.

Stay strong


#343132 - 10/26/10 02:30 PM Re: SA by a woman [Re: mogigo]
Dogs&Gods Offline

Registered: 03/22/10
Posts: 49
Loc: The Mighty Mitten
I have many of the same issue, I believe that my SSA stems from my mother keeping me to herself only.

I wonder if the attraction to male porn stems from the uncomfort from seeing my own mother in states of undress.

Like turned off my attraction to women in a sense.

Remember Dog is God spelled backwards: The dogs in my life were the first ones to hear my pain and lick away my tears.

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